My new blog, if my life had a soundtrack, is up and running...
http://ifmylifehadasoundtrack.blogspot.com/
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time heals all wounds. Fin.
I fear this is the end, my friends.
I used to think I had all the answers, or that I'd be able to find them by squeezing situations to death in which to extract some meaning. Today, though, I decided that I am definitely just young and dumb like every other 20 something walking the planet. I'm crawling my way through life and hoping that this shit will one day get easier, or at the very least make more sense.
When I read back from my first post through today, I can clearly see that I've come a long way. But I don't know if I can credit it to self exploration or the thorough analysis of any specific situation. What actually brought me all this way was time. I now know that time is the only true healer, the only real teacher. Self exploration is good only for writing inspirational quotes, so that while you're waiting for time to complete its due dilligence, you don't slit your wrists.
Aside from this non-sensational epiphany, I'm ending this because I'm over my ex. I thought that I'd get over her when I met someone new, or when I finally got the smallest opportunity to stomp on her heart like she did mine in the end. But what actually happened is that I woke up one morning, not very long ago actually, and decided that I was tired of devoting so many days to missing her. Even with all else that I tried previously to get beyond her, the only thing that actually worked was time. Once I decided to take my time back, I got my heart back, too.
Even when I write about other things, it somehow all loops back to her. She is why this blog was created, after all. Time to move on.
But I've come up with a great idea for a new blog that I plan to start almost immediately- a blog that will still cover my life in all of its...strangeness. But from a different, more positive place. Once I start it, I'll post the address here so you'll know where to find me.
Thank you to all who have read my blog, especially those who have been here since day one; you were truly my support system. Your comments and emails kept me going and reminded me that although I love to be depressed, I'm not nearly tortured enough to be the only person going through this.
I wish you all the best.
I used to think I had all the answers, or that I'd be able to find them by squeezing situations to death in which to extract some meaning. Today, though, I decided that I am definitely just young and dumb like every other 20 something walking the planet. I'm crawling my way through life and hoping that this shit will one day get easier, or at the very least make more sense.
When I read back from my first post through today, I can clearly see that I've come a long way. But I don't know if I can credit it to self exploration or the thorough analysis of any specific situation. What actually brought me all this way was time. I now know that time is the only true healer, the only real teacher. Self exploration is good only for writing inspirational quotes, so that while you're waiting for time to complete its due dilligence, you don't slit your wrists.
Aside from this non-sensational epiphany, I'm ending this because I'm over my ex. I thought that I'd get over her when I met someone new, or when I finally got the smallest opportunity to stomp on her heart like she did mine in the end. But what actually happened is that I woke up one morning, not very long ago actually, and decided that I was tired of devoting so many days to missing her. Even with all else that I tried previously to get beyond her, the only thing that actually worked was time. Once I decided to take my time back, I got my heart back, too.
Even when I write about other things, it somehow all loops back to her. She is why this blog was created, after all. Time to move on.
But I've come up with a great idea for a new blog that I plan to start almost immediately- a blog that will still cover my life in all of its...strangeness. But from a different, more positive place. Once I start it, I'll post the address here so you'll know where to find me.
Thank you to all who have read my blog, especially those who have been here since day one; you were truly my support system. Your comments and emails kept me going and reminded me that although I love to be depressed, I'm not nearly tortured enough to be the only person going through this.
I wish you all the best.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Him.
This is the first time I've tried to put this in words, so I don't know how this will end...but I feel that it's time to say it aloud.
I cried this morning on my way to work. At first I tried to blame it on how open I've been lately...how honest I've been to those who matter to me, putting aside what may come to make sure that I never have to live with regret. But in truth, I cried for myself. I try not to play the victim, but this is perhaps the first time that I understand the full magnitude of what happened to me.
During the winter before my 13th birthday, my mother purchased a house, and the three of us (my mom, my sister and myself) started a life there. A few months after moving, just as summer began, I had my first boyfriend. He lived around the corner from me, and he was the only kid in the neighborhood that I knew of who was the same age as I. Without my mother knowing of course, he came over almost daily and we held hands while watching movies, or talked about important 13 year old issues. And every night, we talked on the phone until one of us fell asleep. A few weeks into our "relationship", he gathered the courage to kiss me. After that first kiss, we were inseperable; we kissed while watching movies and decided to give up discussing the important 13 year old issues in exchange for kissing. I wanted to seem cool, so I didn't tell him that he was the first person I had ever kissed. In retrospect I think it's safe to assume that he'd never kissed anyone either, because there was a great deal of tooth clashing and accidental biting taking place that we both pretended not to notice. My first boyfriend had an older brother who I sometimes noticed walking around the neighborhood, and his older brother had a friend who often accompanied him. They were both 19 or 20, so we never hung out together; we essentially existed in different but parallel worlds.
One day near the end of summer vacation, my boyfriend stopped coming over. I honestly cannot remember if I was heartbroken, and I don't really remember how long it took me to call his house and inquire about what happened to him. But when I finally did, one of his parents told me that he had been sent to a juvenile detention center. So there went my first boyfriend. Not long after we stopped hanging out, his older brother's friend started showing up at my house when I got home from school. Without my mother knowing of course, he invited himself in, and I didn't know how to protest or even if I should protest...so I didn't. After his first one or two visits, he started talking about having sex with me. So one day, during the fall after my 13th birthday and in the twin sized bed that I'd had since I grew out of a crib, he took my virginity. At least 3 times a week, from the middle of my 6th grade year until early 7th, he came over whenever my mother wasn't home, had sex with me, then pulled up his pants and left. Per his request, I never talked to anyone about it, until one day when I spent the night at one of my friend's houses. He had come over the day before and I was in pain as I always was afterward, so I talked my friend's mother, who was a doctor, because I wanted to know if the pain was normal. She was completely alarmed and urged me to tell my mother. I remembered only a year before when my older sister told my mom that she'd had sex with her boyfriend. My mother's reaction was to beat her with a wooden hanger until my sister was literally covered in cuts and the hanger was reduced to splinters and shards of wood. That being considered, I decided that telling my mother was definitely not a possibilty. Instead, I told one of my teachers. She immediately arranged a conference with the principal, my friend's mother (since I'd told her as well), and my mother.
This event was the start of a great many shitty events that took place during my childhood. My mother didn't beat me, but she was very mad at me. She told me regularly that she couldn't trust me anymore because I'd had sex with that man. She wouldn't let me go outside anymore, and she eventually withdrew me from the private school that I'd been attending which was perhaps the only semblance of a childhood that I had left. Years later she would tell me that she put me in city school because the curriculum at the private school seemed too hard, but I know that she did it because she was embarassed. Possibly the only thing that my mother did correctly was to take legal action. He was sentenced to 7 years in jail and is of course a registered sex offender now. Because my mother blamed me, and because my rape experience was nothing like my 1st cousin's- that same year she was beat within an inch of her life, raped and sodomized, and left in a dumpster to die- I spent years blaming myself for what happened. It wasn't until I turned 19 when I looked back and realized that I'd never want to have sex with a 13 year old, that I began to see that what he did was wrong.
You may be wondering what the point of this story is. Well, as you know, I've been living at home for a little over a month now. This monday was beautiful, sunny and warm, and I spent the day with my friend because it was her birthday. In the evening, we went to a 7-11 near my mom's house because I was dying for a slurpee. As soon as I pulled up to the 7-11, the man who I've been trying to forget for the last decade parked right next to me. I looked at him, frozen. He looked at me too, and I have honestly never seen so much anger in a person's eyes. Needless to say, I didn't get my slurpee, and my wonderful day came to an abrupt stop. I find myself wondering why he was so angry... Does he honestly not understand why what he did was completely wrong? Does he not understand that he destroyed my childhood and robbed me of my innocence for his own selfish wants? In court, he told the judge that I'd lied about my age. I was far too naive to do such a thing.
I may not have been beaten or sodomized, but I was still completely violated. Seeing him this week has rehashed so many memories...and I guess now's the time for me to deal with it. But where do I begin?
And can I really live here happily knowing that he lives only 9 houses away?
I cried this morning on my way to work. At first I tried to blame it on how open I've been lately...how honest I've been to those who matter to me, putting aside what may come to make sure that I never have to live with regret. But in truth, I cried for myself. I try not to play the victim, but this is perhaps the first time that I understand the full magnitude of what happened to me.
During the winter before my 13th birthday, my mother purchased a house, and the three of us (my mom, my sister and myself) started a life there. A few months after moving, just as summer began, I had my first boyfriend. He lived around the corner from me, and he was the only kid in the neighborhood that I knew of who was the same age as I. Without my mother knowing of course, he came over almost daily and we held hands while watching movies, or talked about important 13 year old issues. And every night, we talked on the phone until one of us fell asleep. A few weeks into our "relationship", he gathered the courage to kiss me. After that first kiss, we were inseperable; we kissed while watching movies and decided to give up discussing the important 13 year old issues in exchange for kissing. I wanted to seem cool, so I didn't tell him that he was the first person I had ever kissed. In retrospect I think it's safe to assume that he'd never kissed anyone either, because there was a great deal of tooth clashing and accidental biting taking place that we both pretended not to notice. My first boyfriend had an older brother who I sometimes noticed walking around the neighborhood, and his older brother had a friend who often accompanied him. They were both 19 or 20, so we never hung out together; we essentially existed in different but parallel worlds.
One day near the end of summer vacation, my boyfriend stopped coming over. I honestly cannot remember if I was heartbroken, and I don't really remember how long it took me to call his house and inquire about what happened to him. But when I finally did, one of his parents told me that he had been sent to a juvenile detention center. So there went my first boyfriend. Not long after we stopped hanging out, his older brother's friend started showing up at my house when I got home from school. Without my mother knowing of course, he invited himself in, and I didn't know how to protest or even if I should protest...so I didn't. After his first one or two visits, he started talking about having sex with me. So one day, during the fall after my 13th birthday and in the twin sized bed that I'd had since I grew out of a crib, he took my virginity. At least 3 times a week, from the middle of my 6th grade year until early 7th, he came over whenever my mother wasn't home, had sex with me, then pulled up his pants and left. Per his request, I never talked to anyone about it, until one day when I spent the night at one of my friend's houses. He had come over the day before and I was in pain as I always was afterward, so I talked my friend's mother, who was a doctor, because I wanted to know if the pain was normal. She was completely alarmed and urged me to tell my mother. I remembered only a year before when my older sister told my mom that she'd had sex with her boyfriend. My mother's reaction was to beat her with a wooden hanger until my sister was literally covered in cuts and the hanger was reduced to splinters and shards of wood. That being considered, I decided that telling my mother was definitely not a possibilty. Instead, I told one of my teachers. She immediately arranged a conference with the principal, my friend's mother (since I'd told her as well), and my mother.
This event was the start of a great many shitty events that took place during my childhood. My mother didn't beat me, but she was very mad at me. She told me regularly that she couldn't trust me anymore because I'd had sex with that man. She wouldn't let me go outside anymore, and she eventually withdrew me from the private school that I'd been attending which was perhaps the only semblance of a childhood that I had left. Years later she would tell me that she put me in city school because the curriculum at the private school seemed too hard, but I know that she did it because she was embarassed. Possibly the only thing that my mother did correctly was to take legal action. He was sentenced to 7 years in jail and is of course a registered sex offender now. Because my mother blamed me, and because my rape experience was nothing like my 1st cousin's- that same year she was beat within an inch of her life, raped and sodomized, and left in a dumpster to die- I spent years blaming myself for what happened. It wasn't until I turned 19 when I looked back and realized that I'd never want to have sex with a 13 year old, that I began to see that what he did was wrong.
You may be wondering what the point of this story is. Well, as you know, I've been living at home for a little over a month now. This monday was beautiful, sunny and warm, and I spent the day with my friend because it was her birthday. In the evening, we went to a 7-11 near my mom's house because I was dying for a slurpee. As soon as I pulled up to the 7-11, the man who I've been trying to forget for the last decade parked right next to me. I looked at him, frozen. He looked at me too, and I have honestly never seen so much anger in a person's eyes. Needless to say, I didn't get my slurpee, and my wonderful day came to an abrupt stop. I find myself wondering why he was so angry... Does he honestly not understand why what he did was completely wrong? Does he not understand that he destroyed my childhood and robbed me of my innocence for his own selfish wants? In court, he told the judge that I'd lied about my age. I was far too naive to do such a thing.
I may not have been beaten or sodomized, but I was still completely violated. Seeing him this week has rehashed so many memories...and I guess now's the time for me to deal with it. But where do I begin?
And can I really live here happily knowing that he lives only 9 houses away?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Life as I know it.
It seems as if it has been forever since last I wrote, and I'd like to point out that this is not for lack of want! Every day I try to sneak some time to write at work, but I rarely take longer than a 10 minute lunch break, and I have yet to find free time while at work. But today is my friend's birthday and I'm taking her out, so while she gets ready, I have a little time to write.
Work.
I started at my new location a little over a month ago. Although I interviewed to work here permanently, I didn't see the odds going in my favor as for actually getting the job. But at the end of my first day, the property manager offered me the position. So here I am, working at a location that I've dreamed of for years prior. And yes, I work through many a lunchbreak and often leave late, but these things honestly don't bother me because I'm doing what I love, I'm doing what I have a passion for, and I'm happy!
In taking the position, I actually got a little more than I'd bargained for... The company in which I work would seem very straight laced to anyone passing by, and from an insider's standpoint, it is both extremely straight laced and extremely straight, two things that I know nothing about. But a day and a half after I started working here, I began to realize that one of my co workers might be...like me. And so in typical Brittney-Elizabeth fashion, I started a conversation with him in which I was a little too forthcoming. I told him about my break up, and how I'd just moved back to my mother's house, and how it was going to be hell for my dating life. He listened politely, then turned back to what he was doing, and I wondered if he was trying to decide whether or not I was a bag of chips short of a picnic. I spent the rest of the day wondering how I could have pegged him wrong, and thinking about how silly I was to give so much information to a total stranger. But that afternoon as we walked to a nearby bar for happy hour, he started to open up to me, too. Now, a month later, we party together regularly, talk about our lives- dating and otherwise, and he doesn't even flinch when I tell him that I have to poop! ...which is honestly an every day occurrence- I'm obsessed with pooping, always have been. And now, although it hasn't been very long at all, I can honestly say that I've made a great new friend.
Dating.
Still not talking about my date life. Sorry! But I will say that I'm still single, and I'm having a great time being single; I've made tons of new friends, I have a pretty active social life, and just last week as I was out with some friends, I stood in shock after realizing that I didn't go to the club with the secret hope of meeting Princess Charming as I so often did before...I honestly went to have a great time with my friends.
Home.
Aaaand living with my mother isn't so bad at all. It became quite obvious after a day or two that she has missed having her children so close to her. She calls me every day to ask if I'd like to come have breakfast with her, she's allowed me to be on her car insurance policy (I almost had a heart attack over this one!)- saving me an additional $150 a month, and overall, she's been really easy going. I have had company, even overnight company, and she hasn't said anything. ...although in truth, she may not know. Also in truth, I'm not going to volunteer the information. I held off on starting real estate classes because it became obvious that I wouldn't have a static schedule at work, and at least until I prove myself there, I don't want to ask for a lot of special requests. But part of my job is establishing as many connections as possible, oftentimes with realtors, so I've met a lot of great realtors who I keep in contact with and who give me lots of great advice about the industry, and when I do make the switch I won't go in totally blind.
Yikes- she's ready to go! But I have much more to talk about, so I promise to be back soon : )
Work.
I started at my new location a little over a month ago. Although I interviewed to work here permanently, I didn't see the odds going in my favor as for actually getting the job. But at the end of my first day, the property manager offered me the position. So here I am, working at a location that I've dreamed of for years prior. And yes, I work through many a lunchbreak and often leave late, but these things honestly don't bother me because I'm doing what I love, I'm doing what I have a passion for, and I'm happy!
In taking the position, I actually got a little more than I'd bargained for... The company in which I work would seem very straight laced to anyone passing by, and from an insider's standpoint, it is both extremely straight laced and extremely straight, two things that I know nothing about. But a day and a half after I started working here, I began to realize that one of my co workers might be...like me. And so in typical Brittney-Elizabeth fashion, I started a conversation with him in which I was a little too forthcoming. I told him about my break up, and how I'd just moved back to my mother's house, and how it was going to be hell for my dating life. He listened politely, then turned back to what he was doing, and I wondered if he was trying to decide whether or not I was a bag of chips short of a picnic. I spent the rest of the day wondering how I could have pegged him wrong, and thinking about how silly I was to give so much information to a total stranger. But that afternoon as we walked to a nearby bar for happy hour, he started to open up to me, too. Now, a month later, we party together regularly, talk about our lives- dating and otherwise, and he doesn't even flinch when I tell him that I have to poop! ...which is honestly an every day occurrence- I'm obsessed with pooping, always have been. And now, although it hasn't been very long at all, I can honestly say that I've made a great new friend.
Dating.
Still not talking about my date life. Sorry! But I will say that I'm still single, and I'm having a great time being single; I've made tons of new friends, I have a pretty active social life, and just last week as I was out with some friends, I stood in shock after realizing that I didn't go to the club with the secret hope of meeting Princess Charming as I so often did before...I honestly went to have a great time with my friends.
Home.
Aaaand living with my mother isn't so bad at all. It became quite obvious after a day or two that she has missed having her children so close to her. She calls me every day to ask if I'd like to come have breakfast with her, she's allowed me to be on her car insurance policy (I almost had a heart attack over this one!)- saving me an additional $150 a month, and overall, she's been really easy going. I have had company, even overnight company, and she hasn't said anything. ...although in truth, she may not know. Also in truth, I'm not going to volunteer the information. I held off on starting real estate classes because it became obvious that I wouldn't have a static schedule at work, and at least until I prove myself there, I don't want to ask for a lot of special requests. But part of my job is establishing as many connections as possible, oftentimes with realtors, so I've met a lot of great realtors who I keep in contact with and who give me lots of great advice about the industry, and when I do make the switch I won't go in totally blind.
Yikes- she's ready to go! But I have much more to talk about, so I promise to be back soon : )
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...
Sometimes when I don't catch myself, I revel in the most delicious fantasy... I take a stairway to the very top of a tall building and walk out onto the roof. The evening kisses my face, a subtle breeze blows, and far below I hear the sounds of that I can see for miles in any direction. To the south, I see lights from buildings twinkle as their reflections dance across the water. North I watch as traffic stops and starts, and for a moment I become fixated with the frantic flashing of the lights atop police cars as they speed off into the distance. I see this and I think, what a beautiful sight...what a perfect last sight... Then smiling, I stretch out my arms and fall forward. Lights are just blurs now, fleeting moments in time. I know it'll be over in seconds but I waste no time with regret. In my head I worry not of the consequences, what my family will think, how my friends might react, whether I'll go to heaven, hell...no- this moment is for me. And so as I dive ever downward, I think of my favorite song.
(Random journal entry written yesterday)
(Random journal entry written yesterday)
It has been too long!
So I'm at work right now, and with only 30 minutes left, I have at least 7 hours worth of work to do. That being said, I cannot tarry; just wanted to drop in in case anyone is wondering where I've been.
I have in no way lost the desire to blog- in fact, the contrary is true. Now that I'm settling into a life where nearly everything has changed, I've wanted nothing more than to blog about it. Problem is:
1. I sold my computer desk and haven't picked up my new, smaller one yet. And until I do, my computer sits decapitated, in different locations in my studio apartment.
2. When at work, I honestly do not have time to sneak in a blog or two. And speaking of work- there is so much that I want to say! But it's gonna have to wait.
And above all of the physical changes that have taken place, I've been going through the most extreme phase of self discovery since I found out about masturbation, and I cannot wait to let it out. So I am definitely still with you, but it may take a little longer to get back on track. But please Support System- I hope that you'll stay with me because I am certainly still here : )
I have in no way lost the desire to blog- in fact, the contrary is true. Now that I'm settling into a life where nearly everything has changed, I've wanted nothing more than to blog about it. Problem is:
1. I sold my computer desk and haven't picked up my new, smaller one yet. And until I do, my computer sits decapitated, in different locations in my studio apartment.
2. When at work, I honestly do not have time to sneak in a blog or two. And speaking of work- there is so much that I want to say! But it's gonna have to wait.
And above all of the physical changes that have taken place, I've been going through the most extreme phase of self discovery since I found out about masturbation, and I cannot wait to let it out. So I am definitely still with you, but it may take a little longer to get back on track. But please Support System- I hope that you'll stay with me because I am certainly still here : )
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Oliver.
So the move is finally done! All of the fears and reservations that I had have been resolved, and I'm totally glad that I made this move. More on that later. One of the biggest things that I was worried about though was my kitten. I didn't think Oliver would be happy because the space is pretty small- maybe 400-450 square feet.
Yesterday morning I woke up and felt pretty achy from the move the day before. I looked to my left and right and didn't see Oliver (he usually sleeps on my pillow or under the covers with me). Then I looked at the foot of the bed and saw him there, not moving. I'd never seem him sleep in that position before, so I got a little nervous. I called his name, but he didn't answer. So I put my hand on his stomach and shook him, but he didn't move. I called his name one more time, even louder, and when he didn't move, my nervous breakdown began. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom, then I sat down and started to cry. My mother told me last night that she'd placed rat poison around while the apartment was vacant, to ward off any critters. She said that she thought she'd removed it all, but that I should keep an eye out for it so that Oliver doesn't eat it. I thought about all of the places I didn't look, all of the things I didn't do...and I buried my head in my hands and started to sob. Moments later, I felt something soft rub against my leg- my dang cat! I looked down at him and he looked up at me as if to say, "What's your problem?" I suppose he was a little tired from the move, too. Now that we're semi settled in, I see that he loves it! There are lots of closets and crevices for him to explore, and there are stairs, which he has never experienced before. But the one thing that isn't here? Rat poison.
Yesterday morning I woke up and felt pretty achy from the move the day before. I looked to my left and right and didn't see Oliver (he usually sleeps on my pillow or under the covers with me). Then I looked at the foot of the bed and saw him there, not moving. I'd never seem him sleep in that position before, so I got a little nervous. I called his name, but he didn't answer. So I put my hand on his stomach and shook him, but he didn't move. I called his name one more time, even louder, and when he didn't move, my nervous breakdown began. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom, then I sat down and started to cry. My mother told me last night that she'd placed rat poison around while the apartment was vacant, to ward off any critters. She said that she thought she'd removed it all, but that I should keep an eye out for it so that Oliver doesn't eat it. I thought about all of the places I didn't look, all of the things I didn't do...and I buried my head in my hands and started to sob. Moments later, I felt something soft rub against my leg- my dang cat! I looked down at him and he looked up at me as if to say, "What's your problem?" I suppose he was a little tired from the move, too. Now that we're semi settled in, I see that he loves it! There are lots of closets and crevices for him to explore, and there are stairs, which he has never experienced before. But the one thing that isn't here? Rat poison.
So many reasons to be thankful...
So today is the 2nd full day of living at home. And I suppose I should stop saying it that way- yes, my mother and I have the same address, but I'm actually living in an apartment above her house. It's pretty small, and I really wasn't looking forward to this move...but now that I'm here I feel that this was a great decision. I was in love with my old apartment, but it never truly felt like home. I paid $1,000/month to live there because I was an employee. But the actual rent was $1,685, plus $100 for parking, which I was getting for free. A month after I moved in a new company took over, and although they hired me, they moved me to a different property to work. Their policy does not allow employees to have a discount unless they live where they work, so there was a very good chance that my rent would have skyrocketed later this year. That worry was always in the back of my mind and I never felt totally comfortable. What's funny is that I didn't realize how much it affected me until my first night here. I laid in bed, looked around, and felt for the first time in quite some time that I was truly home, and that I would be safe here.
The actual move was nothing short of whack! I didn't prepare as I should have, and it took many many hours. I felt abandoned by many of my friends who acted as if they were suddenly so busy and therefore couldn't lend a hand. But then I took a moment to think about it- rather than be mad at those who wouldn't/didn't help, I should be thankful for those who did. My sister- she's a saint. With a toddler and a newborn in tow, she worked tirelessly with me for two days to pack, move, and clean. Her babies, who are normally in bed at 8, didn't go to sleep until some time after midnight, but she never got irritated or made me feel as if I was inconveniencing her. And Mrs. Christmas- she's my sister's boyfriend's mom. First of all, she's in her late 50's, and she has no ties or relation to me whatsoever. Even still, she came over and got things under control. She helped me lug heavy boxes up and down stairs, she encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and she hung in there with me, just as my sister did, through the entire move. To me, she's second to a complete stranger, but she still donated her time without complaint. What an Angel...I'm still trying to figure out how I will thank them for their unbelievable kindness. And lastly, Adriel. She couldn't help me physically- and even if she could have I don't know that I would have let her. When I moved in to this apartment, I barely lifted a finger. She packed everything in my old apartment and moved me in while I was at work (or avoiding it). She did this without complaint although she also had to work, and also move out of her own apartment. In retrospect, I see that I was a total bitch at times when we were together, but I digress... She offered to send someone to help me, and even followed up to see how things went. This might seem like a small thing, but no one else did this and I really needed it. In addition to these three people, I'm thankful for Mr. Oliver. This move freaked him out as much as I, and I feel that we went through it together and our relationship has grown from it : ) I love that cat...
I'm thankful for the great weather that we had during the move. And I'm thankful for the last drive away from my old apartment, when I was listening to this very song. I felt a growing sense of peace as block after block separated me from my old apartment. At that moment I realized that a new chapter is beginning.
For some reason, I went back to the girl who I was dating as mentioned in a previous blog. But three days ago, I decided that it was time to quit while I was ahead. I see now that she is abusive, and that if I'd continued to talk to her, things would have undoubtedly become physical. During our short stint, there were days when I absolutely loved her,but there were many days when I didn't know who the hell she was. She became mad often over small and often non existent offenses. And when she became angry, she told me that I was cheap, that even though I'm gay I'm actually fucking a bunch of different men- including one of my best friends, Carlos. He's gay. She told me that I'm always talking about people's faults and praising myself. She told me that I'm a stupid bitch and a fucking loser. She accused me of flirting with everyone- people I passed on the street, waiters at restaurants...once I was looking for a bag of M&Ms at a convenience store and a guy pointed them out for me. I said "thank you". I had to hear for three hours about how I'd been flirting with him. She helped me move for a few hours, then got mad because she looked through my phone and found that I'd emailed a girl from Craigslist. My friend sent her post to me and said she thought I should write her. So I did. Although we were not exclusive (something that she loved to point out to me regularly) I wrote this girl on Craiglist after I'd decided not to talk to her anymore, and when we started dating again 2 weeks or so later, I never again communicated with the Craigslist girl. Still, she told me that I was extremely pathetic for responding to a Craigslist ad, she told me that I was desperate, that I was a liar and worthless and that I think I'm so attractive when I'm not and that I should go back to therapy and that I should be grateful for her because she was the only one who gave a shit about me because no one else would help me move. She told me that I'm worthless to other people because all I ever do is fuck everyone. But you know...I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that all that I've been through has made me strong enough to let certain things roll off my back. I've also learned to recognize when someone is volatile, abusive. And I know when enough is enough, and I have had enough. I honestly pray that she eventually seeks that help that she needs...and I'll leave it at that. But to all who are reading this blog- if you feel that the person you're seeing is very possessive, angry, mean, condescending, or otherwise unsettling, please do not ignore it. There is nothing at all that you can do for a person who is abusive, and if you stick around, it will only get worse. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to let it go...
Yesterday, I bought a ring- it's white gold with diamonds and an aquamarine stone in the center- my birth stone. I decided that this will be my promise ring. With this ring, I promise myself that I will never settle for things that I don't deserve, that I'll always put my best foot forward, and that I'll love myself enough to let those things go which serve no purpose in my life.
So, I know this is an abrupt end, but it's noon on an absolutely gorgeous day! I'm going to get out of here...but I hope that everyone has a fabulous weekend : )
The actual move was nothing short of whack! I didn't prepare as I should have, and it took many many hours. I felt abandoned by many of my friends who acted as if they were suddenly so busy and therefore couldn't lend a hand. But then I took a moment to think about it- rather than be mad at those who wouldn't/didn't help, I should be thankful for those who did. My sister- she's a saint. With a toddler and a newborn in tow, she worked tirelessly with me for two days to pack, move, and clean. Her babies, who are normally in bed at 8, didn't go to sleep until some time after midnight, but she never got irritated or made me feel as if I was inconveniencing her. And Mrs. Christmas- she's my sister's boyfriend's mom. First of all, she's in her late 50's, and she has no ties or relation to me whatsoever. Even still, she came over and got things under control. She helped me lug heavy boxes up and down stairs, she encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and she hung in there with me, just as my sister did, through the entire move. To me, she's second to a complete stranger, but she still donated her time without complaint. What an Angel...I'm still trying to figure out how I will thank them for their unbelievable kindness. And lastly, Adriel. She couldn't help me physically- and even if she could have I don't know that I would have let her. When I moved in to this apartment, I barely lifted a finger. She packed everything in my old apartment and moved me in while I was at work (or avoiding it). She did this without complaint although she also had to work, and also move out of her own apartment. In retrospect, I see that I was a total bitch at times when we were together, but I digress... She offered to send someone to help me, and even followed up to see how things went. This might seem like a small thing, but no one else did this and I really needed it. In addition to these three people, I'm thankful for Mr. Oliver. This move freaked him out as much as I, and I feel that we went through it together and our relationship has grown from it : ) I love that cat...
I'm thankful for the great weather that we had during the move. And I'm thankful for the last drive away from my old apartment, when I was listening to this very song. I felt a growing sense of peace as block after block separated me from my old apartment. At that moment I realized that a new chapter is beginning.
For some reason, I went back to the girl who I was dating as mentioned in a previous blog. But three days ago, I decided that it was time to quit while I was ahead. I see now that she is abusive, and that if I'd continued to talk to her, things would have undoubtedly become physical. During our short stint, there were days when I absolutely loved her,but there were many days when I didn't know who the hell she was. She became mad often over small and often non existent offenses. And when she became angry, she told me that I was cheap, that even though I'm gay I'm actually fucking a bunch of different men- including one of my best friends, Carlos. He's gay. She told me that I'm always talking about people's faults and praising myself. She told me that I'm a stupid bitch and a fucking loser. She accused me of flirting with everyone- people I passed on the street, waiters at restaurants...once I was looking for a bag of M&Ms at a convenience store and a guy pointed them out for me. I said "thank you". I had to hear for three hours about how I'd been flirting with him. She helped me move for a few hours, then got mad because she looked through my phone and found that I'd emailed a girl from Craigslist. My friend sent her post to me and said she thought I should write her. So I did. Although we were not exclusive (something that she loved to point out to me regularly) I wrote this girl on Craiglist after I'd decided not to talk to her anymore, and when we started dating again 2 weeks or so later, I never again communicated with the Craigslist girl. Still, she told me that I was extremely pathetic for responding to a Craigslist ad, she told me that I was desperate, that I was a liar and worthless and that I think I'm so attractive when I'm not and that I should go back to therapy and that I should be grateful for her because she was the only one who gave a shit about me because no one else would help me move. She told me that I'm worthless to other people because all I ever do is fuck everyone. But you know...I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that all that I've been through has made me strong enough to let certain things roll off my back. I've also learned to recognize when someone is volatile, abusive. And I know when enough is enough, and I have had enough. I honestly pray that she eventually seeks that help that she needs...and I'll leave it at that. But to all who are reading this blog- if you feel that the person you're seeing is very possessive, angry, mean, condescending, or otherwise unsettling, please do not ignore it. There is nothing at all that you can do for a person who is abusive, and if you stick around, it will only get worse. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to let it go...
Yesterday, I bought a ring- it's white gold with diamonds and an aquamarine stone in the center- my birth stone. I decided that this will be my promise ring. With this ring, I promise myself that I will never settle for things that I don't deserve, that I'll always put my best foot forward, and that I'll love myself enough to let those things go which serve no purpose in my life.
So, I know this is an abrupt end, but it's noon on an absolutely gorgeous day! I'm going to get out of here...but I hope that everyone has a fabulous weekend : )
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I'm back with scars to show...
People often say that things get much worse before they get better. I have so much to be thankful for, but so much is about to change in my life and above all I feel so...lonely? It's not that I'm longing for a relationship (although I wouldn't turn one down either), it's just that I've never gone through these many changes at one time and had no one to talk to about it. My apartment looks so sad and empty...I'm going to be giving up my view in less than a week, and maybe my favorite chair, too. No big deal, I guess. But my family has opted out of helping me with this move. I sent them an email asking if anyone could spare a car, a box, or just a hand in helping me pack, and they all said 'no' in so many words. My mother, who doesn't hide her disdain for my sexual preference, said several times that I need a man to help me, that I need man power, that I should find a man blah blah blah. Funny, when they need help or want me to do something or go with them, I'm always there. And when I spend too much money to have dinner parties for them, they come without hesitation. I rarely ask my family for help, and this is why. So I'm a little dissapointed I guess, but not terribly mad. It's what I expected.
On top of the fact that I have to leave my apartment by April 30th, I start a new job on May 1st. Same company, same title (mostly), but at a new location. I remember when the Zenith was built...I wanted to live there so badly but knew I'd never be able to afford it. Then when my ex and I halfheartedly looked for places, she wanted to go there, too. And now here I am, working there. I certainly didn't see that one coming. I'm going to be there temporarily, but they're hiring for the position that I'll be working, so I could apply if I want to. I don't know if I want to though...
Because I'll also be starting Real Estate classes in two weeks. It only takes a few months to get a liscense, and I already have a home once I am liscensed. It's funny how things work... I took a job at a Real Estate office last summer after praying long and hard about it. The job was totally unrelated to anything that I want to do in life, and I only made $300 a week which was by no means enough to support all of my bills, but after a lot of prayer I felt that I was meant to take the job and so I did. I only stayed for two months before getting a much better job, and I often wondered...what was my purpose for having worked there? Now as I prepare for my liscense, it all makes sense. Any agent knows that when you have a liscense, you have to be affiliated with a real estate office. They usually charge you thousands of dollars for this, because you get a desk and computer usage, materials, business cards and other fun. But when I talked to my old boss, he told me that he would not charge a fee, and that I could most definitely work there when I am liscensed. He told me that he would help me with my first few deals, that he wouldn't charge as high a fee as other offices do, and that if I couldn't afford the other necessary start up costs, he would let me borrow his materials until I could. I remember during my interview telling him that the reason I was taking that job last summer was because I felt that that was where God wanted me at the time. I thought that it would sound crazy, but he totally understood. Now I understand, too.
On top of all this, I've decided that Baltimore needs a nice, classy lesbian..activity. Every well rounded lesbian I know usually travels to DC if they want to party with a classy gay crowd. So I'm going to try my hand at hosting a weekly happy hour. Supposedly I'll be partering with my best friend, but her plate is full these days because she and her girlfriend just moved in together, she has a full time job and she's a full time student, she has a small business as I do, and she's a full time mom. So as much as I'd love for us to partner on this one, I assume I'll be doing it alone. More on this as right now I'm still looking for a location.
With so many changes afoot (including some that I won't bore you with mentioning), I sometimes wish I had someone to go through this with. But I'm also pretty proud of how successful I've been at doing things alone. I'm handling this move alone- I've moved several times but I've never had to figure it all out by myself... I'm learning to make decisions alone, and I guess I'll learn to find success alone. So...we shall see where the road takes me from here. I hope everyone else is doing well- especially those of you who were also struggling through a break up. We'll be okay in the end- not to worry : )
On top of the fact that I have to leave my apartment by April 30th, I start a new job on May 1st. Same company, same title (mostly), but at a new location. I remember when the Zenith was built...I wanted to live there so badly but knew I'd never be able to afford it. Then when my ex and I halfheartedly looked for places, she wanted to go there, too. And now here I am, working there. I certainly didn't see that one coming. I'm going to be there temporarily, but they're hiring for the position that I'll be working, so I could apply if I want to. I don't know if I want to though...
Because I'll also be starting Real Estate classes in two weeks. It only takes a few months to get a liscense, and I already have a home once I am liscensed. It's funny how things work... I took a job at a Real Estate office last summer after praying long and hard about it. The job was totally unrelated to anything that I want to do in life, and I only made $300 a week which was by no means enough to support all of my bills, but after a lot of prayer I felt that I was meant to take the job and so I did. I only stayed for two months before getting a much better job, and I often wondered...what was my purpose for having worked there? Now as I prepare for my liscense, it all makes sense. Any agent knows that when you have a liscense, you have to be affiliated with a real estate office. They usually charge you thousands of dollars for this, because you get a desk and computer usage, materials, business cards and other fun. But when I talked to my old boss, he told me that he would not charge a fee, and that I could most definitely work there when I am liscensed. He told me that he would help me with my first few deals, that he wouldn't charge as high a fee as other offices do, and that if I couldn't afford the other necessary start up costs, he would let me borrow his materials until I could. I remember during my interview telling him that the reason I was taking that job last summer was because I felt that that was where God wanted me at the time. I thought that it would sound crazy, but he totally understood. Now I understand, too.
On top of all this, I've decided that Baltimore needs a nice, classy lesbian..activity. Every well rounded lesbian I know usually travels to DC if they want to party with a classy gay crowd. So I'm going to try my hand at hosting a weekly happy hour. Supposedly I'll be partering with my best friend, but her plate is full these days because she and her girlfriend just moved in together, she has a full time job and she's a full time student, she has a small business as I do, and she's a full time mom. So as much as I'd love for us to partner on this one, I assume I'll be doing it alone. More on this as right now I'm still looking for a location.
With so many changes afoot (including some that I won't bore you with mentioning), I sometimes wish I had someone to go through this with. But I'm also pretty proud of how successful I've been at doing things alone. I'm handling this move alone- I've moved several times but I've never had to figure it all out by myself... I'm learning to make decisions alone, and I guess I'll learn to find success alone. So...we shall see where the road takes me from here. I hope everyone else is doing well- especially those of you who were also struggling through a break up. We'll be okay in the end- not to worry : )
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Like masturbating when you live with your parents...
So, since I started dating one person exclusively...then stopped dating that one person because I got tired of hearing about how horribly slutty and immature I was : /
...My life has been so...great! I've finally come to terms with being single. It is not a death sentence; in fact, it's quite the contrary. Singledom is a rarity in the lives of lesbians, and since I consider myself a pretty good catch, I'm sure it won't last forever. But for now, I've been doing an absolutely fabulous job of entertaining myself, and I am so excited about how much I've learned about me.
But I digress...you may be wondering- why the title? Well it's because I'm moving out in about a week, so I had my cable/internet services disconnected. I don't miss the cable, I barely spend time indoors these days. But I do miss my damn internet. And since I do not have it, I've resorted to sneaking in a letter here, a sentence there, and an exlamation point over in the corner...when no one is around. I mean, it has literally taken me 2 days to publish the blog that you're currently reading.
So I don't want you to think that I've dropped off the radar because I in fact have much to discuss. But...it'll have to wait until the 'rents are out of town.
Talk to you soon : )
...My life has been so...great! I've finally come to terms with being single. It is not a death sentence; in fact, it's quite the contrary. Singledom is a rarity in the lives of lesbians, and since I consider myself a pretty good catch, I'm sure it won't last forever. But for now, I've been doing an absolutely fabulous job of entertaining myself, and I am so excited about how much I've learned about me.
But I digress...you may be wondering- why the title? Well it's because I'm moving out in about a week, so I had my cable/internet services disconnected. I don't miss the cable, I barely spend time indoors these days. But I do miss my damn internet. And since I do not have it, I've resorted to sneaking in a letter here, a sentence there, and an exlamation point over in the corner...when no one is around. I mean, it has literally taken me 2 days to publish the blog that you're currently reading.
So I don't want you to think that I've dropped off the radar because I in fact have much to discuss. But...it'll have to wait until the 'rents are out of town.
Talk to you soon : )
Hello out there bloggers and bloggees...
"I could tell you my adventures— beginning from this morning," said Alice a little timidly: "but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." Lewis Carroll
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
And so I took off on my bicycle...
Sometimes I just want to get up from my desk in the middle of the day, give my boss a very special finger that I reserve for those I love most, take off my suit jacket, jump in my car and head for the hills. My spirit has been feeling so stifled lately, perhaps because I can't enjoy this beautiful weather that we've been having since I'm always at work. I often ask myself...What the fuck is stopping me from doing what I dream of? I have no kids, I'm single, and I have disliked Baltimore since the day the plane dropped me here. I'd love to return to Europe and travel for a while, or go to the West Coast where I've always wanted to end up.
Anywhere but here.
I know I'm not alone on this one...but is anyone actually brave enough to pick up and go? And if not, then why? And if not now, then when?
Hmmm... An idea is brewing...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Okay, that is it.
I'm trying very hard to move forward, and shit- maybe even date someone new. But every time I meet someone they find my blog, read it, and immediately build a 17 foot wall to keep me out. Funny, since my thoughts are often fleeting and what I'm feeling when I write is probably not what I'm feeling the next day (is that so different than any other person?), but my uncensored honesty has turned some off. In a way, I can understand this since I wouldn't want to know every inner most thought of the person I'm dating. Most recently, I encountered the "you're not over your ex" story. Yes, I know that I said I miss her not a week ago. But I feel that I am indeed over her. I have moments when I miss what we had, but that is mostly because those that I'm dating now don't ever seem...right. When I date someone who feels wrong, I start to remember the deep connection that we had, because it felt right. I personally don't believe that this means that I am not over her- A good relationship should always consist of two (or more?) deeply connected people. And since I now know what it should feel like, it makes me sad, and perhaps a tad nostalgic, when I see that I won't experience that with whatever person I'm dating. Since my outward expression of my inner thoughts tends to be off putting, I think that I'll stop talking about my dating life for a while. I'm not going to stop blogging, but maybe I'll focus on other things. This is a prelim list, but so far I have several topics to choose from, like:
1. The fact that I am moving back to my mother's house. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it is true. I want to buy a house next year, and if I move back to my mother's house, I'll immediately save nearly $14,000 in the next 12 months. Not too shabby. And it's not so bad- it's a completely separate apartment with a separate entrance, so even though it's the size of half of a match box, it'll still be my own private space. My mother doesn't totally approve of my lifestyle, so that should make for some fun filled days. I only truly feel sorry for Oliver because of the lack of space, but I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll start taking him for walks! He'll like that.
2. My new love of the great outdoors. I went hiking on a mountain in Virginia two weeks ago, and since then I've been hooked! Okay, I should be honest- I nearly died several times, I cried once, and I stopped often to stare at the mound of rocks that I had to climb while yelling obscenities to God and whoever else may have been listening. It also began raining, which totally annihilated my 'do. But I didn't quit, and that's what matters. So now I've begun walking, hiking, climbing, and generally enjoying the outdoors as often as possible. So, this should mean many many pictures to come : )
3. Back to school, maybe? More on that later...
4. I don't know...my whole fucking life I guess!
So hopefully you guys will stick in there and keep reading. I may not always make sense, I might even contradict myself every now and then, but I can promise you one thing- it should be interesting!
1. The fact that I am moving back to my mother's house. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it is true. I want to buy a house next year, and if I move back to my mother's house, I'll immediately save nearly $14,000 in the next 12 months. Not too shabby. And it's not so bad- it's a completely separate apartment with a separate entrance, so even though it's the size of half of a match box, it'll still be my own private space. My mother doesn't totally approve of my lifestyle, so that should make for some fun filled days. I only truly feel sorry for Oliver because of the lack of space, but I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll start taking him for walks! He'll like that.
2. My new love of the great outdoors. I went hiking on a mountain in Virginia two weeks ago, and since then I've been hooked! Okay, I should be honest- I nearly died several times, I cried once, and I stopped often to stare at the mound of rocks that I had to climb while yelling obscenities to God and whoever else may have been listening. It also began raining, which totally annihilated my 'do. But I didn't quit, and that's what matters. So now I've begun walking, hiking, climbing, and generally enjoying the outdoors as often as possible. So, this should mean many many pictures to come : )
3. Back to school, maybe? More on that later...
4. I don't know...my whole fucking life I guess!
So hopefully you guys will stick in there and keep reading. I may not always make sense, I might even contradict myself every now and then, but I can promise you one thing- it should be interesting!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Hmm.
Well, if I can't be honest with myself, then who in the hell can I be honest with? So here goes...
I miss her. Will this ever go away?
I have a lot of feelings about how our relationship ended, and I'm still angry, very fucking angry, with how I was treated in the end. And I don't know what this feeling means, but I do know that it's honest. So...that's it.
I miss her. Will this ever go away?
I have a lot of feelings about how our relationship ended, and I'm still angry, very fucking angry, with how I was treated in the end. And I don't know what this feeling means, but I do know that it's honest. So...that's it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
These are a few of my favorite things.
Okay, so every blogger does this at some point...Why should I be the exception?
Today didn't turn out as I had hoped. Come to think of it, yesterday ended whackly also. But before I go getting depressed and hating life, I think about those things which make me happy. Little things, these...but I could never be totally down as long as I'm close to them.
So here they are...
-My cat, because he never wants to be far away from me...
...which is why he sleeps on the pillows next to me at night:
...and in my lap as I use the computer:
...and on the couch as I watch Saturday morning cartoons:
Before you ask- NO he is not narcoleptic; he just likes to get his beauty sleep. Moving on...
-This uber-awesome chair. I got it from a secondhand store for $5. It's ratty and out dated, but it is the most comfortable chair I will ever have and I'm never getting rid of it.
-sleeping, eating, crying, fucking, or just generally hanging out in the chair. Ha, sounds a little like the intro song for the L word.
-My favorite shoes. Yes I am aware that my feet are ashy- that completes the look. I wear these everywhere with everything, and I could care less that they don't match the rest of my outfit. Call them slippers and I'll slap you- these are sturdy, grade A shoes, dammit!
-And lastly, for now at least...the view from my apartment (especially when it rains). Even when I'm stressed beyond measure, looking at the cityscape from my window makes me feel like there's something way bigger out there. I never put my blinds down- it would be a sin to hide that beautiful view. The only time I hate it is at 7:30am when the sun itself taps on my window, then charges in without waiting for the okay, and lights the side of my face on fire. It could be 16 degrees outside, but if the day is fine, you better believe that the sun will come after my ass.
Fin.
Today didn't turn out as I had hoped. Come to think of it, yesterday ended whackly also. But before I go getting depressed and hating life, I think about those things which make me happy. Little things, these...but I could never be totally down as long as I'm close to them.
So here they are...
-My cat, because he never wants to be far away from me...
...which is why he sleeps on the pillows next to me at night:
...and in my lap as I use the computer:
...and on the couch as I watch Saturday morning cartoons:
Before you ask- NO he is not narcoleptic; he just likes to get his beauty sleep. Moving on...
-This uber-awesome chair. I got it from a secondhand store for $5. It's ratty and out dated, but it is the most comfortable chair I will ever have and I'm never getting rid of it.
-sleeping, eating, crying, fucking, or just generally hanging out in the chair. Ha, sounds a little like the intro song for the L word.
-My favorite shoes. Yes I am aware that my feet are ashy- that completes the look. I wear these everywhere with everything, and I could care less that they don't match the rest of my outfit. Call them slippers and I'll slap you- these are sturdy, grade A shoes, dammit!
-And lastly, for now at least...the view from my apartment (especially when it rains). Even when I'm stressed beyond measure, looking at the cityscape from my window makes me feel like there's something way bigger out there. I never put my blinds down- it would be a sin to hide that beautiful view. The only time I hate it is at 7:30am when the sun itself taps on my window, then charges in without waiting for the okay, and lights the side of my face on fire. It could be 16 degrees outside, but if the day is fine, you better believe that the sun will come after my ass.
Fin.
Don't be mistaken- This one's for you.
Looks as though I'm staying in tonight although I had planned for the last two weeks to go out, even going as far as to take a day off of work tomorrow. Why, might you ask? Because I had some unexpected budget issues, and because I organized all of my friends to go out tonight...and one by one, all but one cancelled or went MIA. It's supposed to be for my birthday- does anyfuckingone remember that?
Actually yes- exactly one.
For a month, a friend of mine ran me in circles as she gave little hints about what she was getting me for my birthday. She kept asking me what colors I like, what size I wear, she even asked me if I like playboy. By the end of it, I feared that she planned to get me a pair of neon green hotpants with a big ass bunny on the left buttcheek. So when I ripped off the wrapping paper to find a tennis shoe box, I was relieved! ...then really worried. I thought to myself, "I hardly wear tennis shoes...what will I do with these?" Now let me point out- I normally don't get gifts, so I told her repeatedly that I wasn't expecting anything, and even though I was worried that her gift would directly reflect how little she knows about me, I decided not to be mad about her buying shoes because it's better than what everyone else I know got me. Combined. Over the last decade. I held my breath as I opened the shoe box, and inside was a bunch of decorative black tissue paper (I told her that one of my favorite colors is black). I sighed in relief as I realized that there were no 10th generation shock absorbant especially gangsta multi colored tennis shoes inside- because I don't really like those. I removed the mess of tissue from the box, and do you know what was in it? Do you know what the hell was in it?
An ipod- also black, naturally.
Now you must understand- everyone else in the world has had an ipod since 5th grade- but not me, buddy. I used to put it on my Christmas list year after fucking year, and when I excitedly opened my boxes on the big day, all I got was knitted sweaters, socks and underwear. ...And a voice recorder once. That was a decent gift. And I watched in sorrow when after Christmas break, all my stupid stuck up friends showed up for school with their fucking gidgets and their damned gadgets, and I showed up sporting a frumpy ass pink multi sweater with an oversized pony slapped on the front of it. Though it was difficult, I was strong, and I learned how to thrive in the 21st century using 3rd world devices that my neice will one day look at in the same way I do 8 tracks.
By the early 2000's, I had acquired an impressive CD collection that I cherished, even though my friends laughed and said, "silly Brittney- no one has CDs anymore!" But one horrible day, I went to get in my car and realized that someone had beaten me to the punch; and when they did, they kindly took everything out of it, including but not limited to my revered CD collection. The girl I was dating at the time had accidently left my car unlocked the night before, so when we realized that someone had stolen my shit, she gave me her ipod as a way to say she was sorry. Not a month later we broke up and she left. Strange thing is, she left all of her clothes behind and never came back for them...but she took the damn ipod.
Flash forward a year and a half to my most recent ex. My CD player broke in my car. In my very musically inclined world, a drive to work without music is more horrifying than playing leapfrog with unicorns. Maybe because she loved me, but most likely because she was tired of being chewed out all and every day, she borrowed my car one day and when she returned to pick me up, she'd purchased a new CD player, which also had an aux...thingy, and a cord in the glove compartment where I could connect my Ipod and control it through the radio.
But I still had no Ipod.
And she promised to get me one after Christmas. Maybe because she was too broke to buy it, but most likely because she was fucking a girl that she'd met in the club while I was in the bathroom, she dumped me. So now I had this radio that was designed for an Ipod...
...and no damn Ipod.
Since then, as you all know, I've been poor. So I took to downloading music on my cell phone, connecting my phone to the aux...thingy, and enjoying the same 100 songs-because my phone won't allow for many more- every day. Could be worse, though. Oh yeah, it is... I've neglected all of my friends (which could be why they've all stood me up tonight) because I can't listen to music and talk on the phone, and music trumps convo. And I use the navigation system on my cell phone. Do you know how awful it is to be in the middle of a great song, when all of a sudden it's rudely interrupted by a super loud "In 300 feet, turn right on 'your broke ass needs an ipod' Ave"? Very awful indeed.
So in closing, I have to say that I should've given her more credit- this is after all, the very same girl who bought me Oliver and Company, the same girl who always surprises me with things that I've mentioned in conversation. It's also the only fucking girl who had to work a 12 hour shift today, and is still planning to drive 40 minutes out of her way to celebrate my birthday with me although she has to be at work at 9am.
So I'd like to say...although I appreciate all of my friends, if this particular friend is reading this, I hope she knows that I do and will always love her for listening to me, for supporting my crazy ass decisions without judgement, for being a friend to the end, when all of my other friends push me to the side, and lastly- for my Ipod.
Finally!
Actually yes- exactly one.
For a month, a friend of mine ran me in circles as she gave little hints about what she was getting me for my birthday. She kept asking me what colors I like, what size I wear, she even asked me if I like playboy. By the end of it, I feared that she planned to get me a pair of neon green hotpants with a big ass bunny on the left buttcheek. So when I ripped off the wrapping paper to find a tennis shoe box, I was relieved! ...then really worried. I thought to myself, "I hardly wear tennis shoes...what will I do with these?" Now let me point out- I normally don't get gifts, so I told her repeatedly that I wasn't expecting anything, and even though I was worried that her gift would directly reflect how little she knows about me, I decided not to be mad about her buying shoes because it's better than what everyone else I know got me. Combined. Over the last decade. I held my breath as I opened the shoe box, and inside was a bunch of decorative black tissue paper (I told her that one of my favorite colors is black). I sighed in relief as I realized that there were no 10th generation shock absorbant especially gangsta multi colored tennis shoes inside- because I don't really like those. I removed the mess of tissue from the box, and do you know what was in it? Do you know what the hell was in it?
An ipod- also black, naturally.
Now you must understand- everyone else in the world has had an ipod since 5th grade- but not me, buddy. I used to put it on my Christmas list year after fucking year, and when I excitedly opened my boxes on the big day, all I got was knitted sweaters, socks and underwear. ...And a voice recorder once. That was a decent gift. And I watched in sorrow when after Christmas break, all my stupid stuck up friends showed up for school with their fucking gidgets and their damned gadgets, and I showed up sporting a frumpy ass pink multi sweater with an oversized pony slapped on the front of it. Though it was difficult, I was strong, and I learned how to thrive in the 21st century using 3rd world devices that my neice will one day look at in the same way I do 8 tracks.
By the early 2000's, I had acquired an impressive CD collection that I cherished, even though my friends laughed and said, "silly Brittney- no one has CDs anymore!" But one horrible day, I went to get in my car and realized that someone had beaten me to the punch; and when they did, they kindly took everything out of it, including but not limited to my revered CD collection. The girl I was dating at the time had accidently left my car unlocked the night before, so when we realized that someone had stolen my shit, she gave me her ipod as a way to say she was sorry. Not a month later we broke up and she left. Strange thing is, she left all of her clothes behind and never came back for them...but she took the damn ipod.
Flash forward a year and a half to my most recent ex. My CD player broke in my car. In my very musically inclined world, a drive to work without music is more horrifying than playing leapfrog with unicorns. Maybe because she loved me, but most likely because she was tired of being chewed out all and every day, she borrowed my car one day and when she returned to pick me up, she'd purchased a new CD player, which also had an aux...thingy, and a cord in the glove compartment where I could connect my Ipod and control it through the radio.
But I still had no Ipod.
And she promised to get me one after Christmas. Maybe because she was too broke to buy it, but most likely because she was fucking a girl that she'd met in the club while I was in the bathroom, she dumped me. So now I had this radio that was designed for an Ipod...
...and no damn Ipod.
Since then, as you all know, I've been poor. So I took to downloading music on my cell phone, connecting my phone to the aux...thingy, and enjoying the same 100 songs-because my phone won't allow for many more- every day. Could be worse, though. Oh yeah, it is... I've neglected all of my friends (which could be why they've all stood me up tonight) because I can't listen to music and talk on the phone, and music trumps convo. And I use the navigation system on my cell phone. Do you know how awful it is to be in the middle of a great song, when all of a sudden it's rudely interrupted by a super loud "In 300 feet, turn right on 'your broke ass needs an ipod' Ave"? Very awful indeed.
So in closing, I have to say that I should've given her more credit- this is after all, the very same girl who bought me Oliver and Company, the same girl who always surprises me with things that I've mentioned in conversation. It's also the only fucking girl who had to work a 12 hour shift today, and is still planning to drive 40 minutes out of her way to celebrate my birthday with me although she has to be at work at 9am.
So I'd like to say...although I appreciate all of my friends, if this particular friend is reading this, I hope she knows that I do and will always love her for listening to me, for supporting my crazy ass decisions without judgement, for being a friend to the end, when all of my other friends push me to the side, and lastly- for my Ipod.
Finally!
Monday, March 22, 2010
3-22: I have a story.
So now that I'm trying to get back on track, focus on myself, and only date if I feel that it will honestly go somewhere...for the most part, lol...I've been really digging deep and trying to figure out why I usually date people who are in many ways not what I truly want. Today I was lying in bed and I realized- though I've come a very long way, my self esteem is by no means as high as it should be. And maybe that's because I spent a lot of time dealing with people who treated me as though I wasn't worth much. Now don't get me wrong- this was perhaps as much my fault as theirs...but my intention now is not to focus on blaming someone for this; I simply want to heal and live to my full potential. I have quite a story, and the fact that I'm alive and healthy is blessing enough. Other things, like self esteem, can be gained over time.
When I was in my early to mid teens, I spent a significant amount of time away from home. ...Okay- let me correct that: I spent a significant amount of time away from home because I ran away almost as often as some people change clothes. As a result of all of this running away, I ended up in the acquaintance of some very unsavory characters. There was a time- all before my 16th birthday- when I stripped or worse so that I would have a place to sleep at night. I credit said experience for why I do not like strip clubs. Most people see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become aroused. I see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become consumed with the fact that she is severly broken, and that I'd be wrong to find pleasure in her pain. But I digress...On a certain late spring day, one of my unsavory friends introduced me to a man so that I could have sex with him in exchange for money and a place to sleep that night. So the man picked me up and we drove to a hotel near the Baltimore inner harbor. It was clear that he made it a regular practice to sleep with random women (though I pray to God that the others were at least of age), because he wasted no time with polite formalities; he simply checked in, fucked me, paid and left. After his departure, I hung out in the room watching cartoons (and not because I was young- I still love cartoons, thank you very much!) and actually felt very content; When you're not sure when you'll next have a bed to sleep in, even one night of assurance can bring a great amount of peace.
Then some time after 1AM, I woke up suddenly from the sound of loud talking just outside of my room. And as the door swung open, a naked and surprised me quickly covered myself with a sheet to see who it was. It was the man from earlier and one of his friends. When he left he had given me the hotel key, but I suppose he asked for another at the front desk. Fabulous. He reeked of weed, and he said to me with a little grin on his face, no less, "Look- either you fuck me and my friend or you gotta go so we can call some other bitches".
And so I took the true walk of shame- I tried to keep myself covered as I found my pants, shoes and shirt, and I left the room so that they could call whomever they planned to double team that night, because it sure as hell was not going to be me. I remember taking the steps instead of the elevator to buy myself a little time before being back outside, seeing as how I again had absolutely nowhere to go.
Now I don't feel the need to defend myself- I am not a lesbian because I've been hurt by men. Spend ten minutes reading my blog and you'll see that I've been hurt by women too- perhaps moreso since I actually loved the women who have hurt me. I'm simply sharing this story (and soon others) to make a point. I was literally treated like less than trash by many a person, and I have had to build myself up completely independently. Should I not have a distorted understanding of who I am? I started 15 days of solitude because I thought that writing my story down would help me heal, and it truly did. So I think the time has come to share my full story so that I can finally heal, learn, and move forward.
When I was in my early to mid teens, I spent a significant amount of time away from home. ...Okay- let me correct that: I spent a significant amount of time away from home because I ran away almost as often as some people change clothes. As a result of all of this running away, I ended up in the acquaintance of some very unsavory characters. There was a time- all before my 16th birthday- when I stripped or worse so that I would have a place to sleep at night. I credit said experience for why I do not like strip clubs. Most people see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become aroused. I see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become consumed with the fact that she is severly broken, and that I'd be wrong to find pleasure in her pain. But I digress...On a certain late spring day, one of my unsavory friends introduced me to a man so that I could have sex with him in exchange for money and a place to sleep that night. So the man picked me up and we drove to a hotel near the Baltimore inner harbor. It was clear that he made it a regular practice to sleep with random women (though I pray to God that the others were at least of age), because he wasted no time with polite formalities; he simply checked in, fucked me, paid and left. After his departure, I hung out in the room watching cartoons (and not because I was young- I still love cartoons, thank you very much!) and actually felt very content; When you're not sure when you'll next have a bed to sleep in, even one night of assurance can bring a great amount of peace.
Then some time after 1AM, I woke up suddenly from the sound of loud talking just outside of my room. And as the door swung open, a naked and surprised me quickly covered myself with a sheet to see who it was. It was the man from earlier and one of his friends. When he left he had given me the hotel key, but I suppose he asked for another at the front desk. Fabulous. He reeked of weed, and he said to me with a little grin on his face, no less, "Look- either you fuck me and my friend or you gotta go so we can call some other bitches".
And so I took the true walk of shame- I tried to keep myself covered as I found my pants, shoes and shirt, and I left the room so that they could call whomever they planned to double team that night, because it sure as hell was not going to be me. I remember taking the steps instead of the elevator to buy myself a little time before being back outside, seeing as how I again had absolutely nowhere to go.
Now I don't feel the need to defend myself- I am not a lesbian because I've been hurt by men. Spend ten minutes reading my blog and you'll see that I've been hurt by women too- perhaps moreso since I actually loved the women who have hurt me. I'm simply sharing this story (and soon others) to make a point. I was literally treated like less than trash by many a person, and I have had to build myself up completely independently. Should I not have a distorted understanding of who I am? I started 15 days of solitude because I thought that writing my story down would help me heal, and it truly did. So I think the time has come to share my full story so that I can finally heal, learn, and move forward.
Monday, March 15, 2010
3/15...Today has been ok.
Long and horrible weekends are very good for at least one thing- helping us reevaluate our lives.
...or perhaps I'm just speaking for myself.
My weekend was just nearly completely shitty. I was finally feeling better after last week's health scare - turns out I was a tad overzealous with my newfound veganism; the pain that I experienced was caused by a calcium deficiency since I had stopped eating dairy. I'm still vegan, but I've added a Vitamin D supplement to my diet and I'm feeling fine. Anyway, I was feeling better and I was ready to have a fun weekend. But instead I got an incredible dose of reality.
Friday: Whack.
I cancelled a date because I wanted to spend some time at home. That time alone- the first I've had in quite some time- got me to thinking about dating, as I said I would... I realized that I am not interested in casual sex and good times from several people. I'm not ready to jump the broom, but I...I guess I'd like to know that the person - not people- I'm dating wants more from me, but that we're taking it slowly to make sure things are right. I started to think about someone I'd been seeing a lot of lately. Though we have a lot of fun, it seems as if she's "killing time until the bus comes" rather than getting to know me and being open to something more. Then I started to think about other people I've been seeing. I hate to admit it, but I'm in pretty much the same situation with everyone. Without being sappy or getting ahead of myself, I casually brought the topic up with her. And do you know what she told me? She said that she's always liked me but that she was completely afraid to approach me because she thought she wouldn't be enough for me, but once we got closer and eventually had sex, it gave her a confidence boost and made her want to date more. Honest? yes. Fucked up? very. I felt extremely used and a little hurt. Yes, we're both single, but if I have sex with someone, it means I'm pretty interested. Usually, anyway. Armed with that information, I decided to give her a rest. I'm not mad and I didn't start an argument with her...I just don't like to be perceived as a challenge or a goal. I am, after all, a person. And I have fucking feelings.
Saturday: whack.
Aside from the fact that all of my plans were in one way or another foiled, I ended up hanging out with my ex. I was maybe 19 when we dated, and although she was very attractive (and she's not fat, I should add), she was a little immature and I got tired of dealing with it. We've been friends since then though, and thankfully she has finally grown up for the most part. She spent the majority of Saturday telling me that she doesn't know why we broke up and that we should try again, about how she can see us together... Now don't get me wrong- this was all quite touching, but I have built an unobstructable wall to protect me from all the shit that has been flung at me lately from various angles. I listened to her but didn't let it get to me- they were just words, and I know better than to fall for words alone. Even still, I was completely appauled when Sunday afternoon rolled around and, looking at her phone, she told me that she had to go outside to make a phone call, but that she had to think of an excuse first. I asked her if she had a girlfriend then, only because I hadn't the faintest clue that she would have one seeing as how she'd spent the day and night with me. And do you know what she told me? "I have sort of a 'friend'. But Brittney- I really missed you and wanted to see you." Honest? yes. Fucked up? Very. I do not go out with, or sleep with, people with girlfriends. Even if just speaking from a karmic standpoint, this is a very bad idea. I didn't create a scene or show her that she had just hurt me; I just sort of laughed it off and told her that we couldn't hang out anymore. ...but I would like to know- when did I become a sex object? I would like to reiterate- I have feelings. Real ones. And the increase of women who promise me the world just to get in my bed makes me wonder: Have the vast majority of single people become walking shells?
In all fairness, I have admittedly become a walking shell in terms of dating. And perhaps my "I just want to have sex and good times" attitude has morphed into a cosmic boomerang, turning back on me and reducing me to no more than an unpaid lesbian hooker. Girls are coming at me from every angle, wanting to hang out, laugh, drink, have sex (not all of them of course), and not consider commitment, at least not with me.
And so, like I said, I've reevaluated my life. I'm tired of dating. I'm going to spend more of my free time with family and true friends, and with myself. Today I unplugged my house phone, turned off my cell phone, and for once didn't anxiously wonder who might be trying to reach me. I turned off all the lights and stared out of my window. I live in a high rise, and my view is completely unobstructed, so for a long while I sat and watched the clouds ride through the night sky. This may seem cheesy, but I've never paid enough attention to clouds at night to realize just how beautiful they are. I was becoming consumed with all of the wrong things, things that surely won't make my life better in any way...but the time I spent alone helped me to realize that it's time to go back to the place where I should be- the place where I concentrate on my goals, and try to surround my self with positive people.
You know, I didn't want to write this blog, but the simple act of doing so has humbled me. My life isn't always great, but it helps to be honest about what I'm feeling so that I can face it and get beyond it. That being said, even with the fuckery that ensued this weekend, I'm moving to a better place now, and today has been ok.
...or perhaps I'm just speaking for myself.
My weekend was just nearly completely shitty. I was finally feeling better after last week's health scare - turns out I was a tad overzealous with my newfound veganism; the pain that I experienced was caused by a calcium deficiency since I had stopped eating dairy. I'm still vegan, but I've added a Vitamin D supplement to my diet and I'm feeling fine. Anyway, I was feeling better and I was ready to have a fun weekend. But instead I got an incredible dose of reality.
Friday: Whack.
I cancelled a date because I wanted to spend some time at home. That time alone- the first I've had in quite some time- got me to thinking about dating, as I said I would... I realized that I am not interested in casual sex and good times from several people. I'm not ready to jump the broom, but I...I guess I'd like to know that the person - not people- I'm dating wants more from me, but that we're taking it slowly to make sure things are right. I started to think about someone I'd been seeing a lot of lately. Though we have a lot of fun, it seems as if she's "killing time until the bus comes" rather than getting to know me and being open to something more. Then I started to think about other people I've been seeing. I hate to admit it, but I'm in pretty much the same situation with everyone. Without being sappy or getting ahead of myself, I casually brought the topic up with her. And do you know what she told me? She said that she's always liked me but that she was completely afraid to approach me because she thought she wouldn't be enough for me, but once we got closer and eventually had sex, it gave her a confidence boost and made her want to date more. Honest? yes. Fucked up? very. I felt extremely used and a little hurt. Yes, we're both single, but if I have sex with someone, it means I'm pretty interested. Usually, anyway. Armed with that information, I decided to give her a rest. I'm not mad and I didn't start an argument with her...I just don't like to be perceived as a challenge or a goal. I am, after all, a person. And I have fucking feelings.
Saturday: whack.
Aside from the fact that all of my plans were in one way or another foiled, I ended up hanging out with my ex. I was maybe 19 when we dated, and although she was very attractive (and she's not fat, I should add), she was a little immature and I got tired of dealing with it. We've been friends since then though, and thankfully she has finally grown up for the most part. She spent the majority of Saturday telling me that she doesn't know why we broke up and that we should try again, about how she can see us together... Now don't get me wrong- this was all quite touching, but I have built an unobstructable wall to protect me from all the shit that has been flung at me lately from various angles. I listened to her but didn't let it get to me- they were just words, and I know better than to fall for words alone. Even still, I was completely appauled when Sunday afternoon rolled around and, looking at her phone, she told me that she had to go outside to make a phone call, but that she had to think of an excuse first. I asked her if she had a girlfriend then, only because I hadn't the faintest clue that she would have one seeing as how she'd spent the day and night with me. And do you know what she told me? "I have sort of a 'friend'. But Brittney- I really missed you and wanted to see you." Honest? yes. Fucked up? Very. I do not go out with, or sleep with, people with girlfriends. Even if just speaking from a karmic standpoint, this is a very bad idea. I didn't create a scene or show her that she had just hurt me; I just sort of laughed it off and told her that we couldn't hang out anymore. ...but I would like to know- when did I become a sex object? I would like to reiterate- I have feelings. Real ones. And the increase of women who promise me the world just to get in my bed makes me wonder: Have the vast majority of single people become walking shells?
In all fairness, I have admittedly become a walking shell in terms of dating. And perhaps my "I just want to have sex and good times" attitude has morphed into a cosmic boomerang, turning back on me and reducing me to no more than an unpaid lesbian hooker. Girls are coming at me from every angle, wanting to hang out, laugh, drink, have sex (not all of them of course), and not consider commitment, at least not with me.
And so, like I said, I've reevaluated my life. I'm tired of dating. I'm going to spend more of my free time with family and true friends, and with myself. Today I unplugged my house phone, turned off my cell phone, and for once didn't anxiously wonder who might be trying to reach me. I turned off all the lights and stared out of my window. I live in a high rise, and my view is completely unobstructed, so for a long while I sat and watched the clouds ride through the night sky. This may seem cheesy, but I've never paid enough attention to clouds at night to realize just how beautiful they are. I was becoming consumed with all of the wrong things, things that surely won't make my life better in any way...but the time I spent alone helped me to realize that it's time to go back to the place where I should be- the place where I concentrate on my goals, and try to surround my self with positive people.
You know, I didn't want to write this blog, but the simple act of doing so has humbled me. My life isn't always great, but it helps to be honest about what I'm feeling so that I can face it and get beyond it. That being said, even with the fuckery that ensued this weekend, I'm moving to a better place now, and today has been ok.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Other Side of the Single Life.
So my last blog talked about how I've been living it up here lately, and enjoying all of the wonders that come along with being single. But today I got a small dose of reality...
Yesterday morning I woke up and hung out in bed for a few minutes too long as I do most mornings. Then with only 23 minutes to spare I decided to get up, take a shower and get ready for work. I yawned and stretched and stepped out of bed, and immediately gasped in pain. My calves were in a lot of pain, as if I had pulled the calve muscles in both of my legs simultaneously. Still, I could function and I figured that things would get better as time went by.
After work I told my friend what was going on, and she suggested that I eat a banana or something else high in potassium, as sometimes a potassium deficiency can cause your legs to do this. Bananas and I don't roll in the same crew, so I bought one of those all natural fruit smoothie drinks that are really high in potassium, and prayed that it would do the trick.
This morning I woke up and noticed that my calves were still rather sore. Even still, I climbed out of bed to start my day. This time however, I did more than gasp in pain- I fell down. It has been about 2 hours since I woke up, and I can barely walk. I hate to say this aloud, but I haven't worked out in nearly 3 weeks, so I know it can't be from that. I haven't lifted anything heavy, and before you ask- no, I have not played the bongos with my calves. ...I guess I should also note that I haven't had sex in almost a week...so though it is unfortunate, this isn't a result of trying out new positions.
I don't have a doctor, so I'm calling a bunch of places, most of which aren't open until after 9 (so when I finish writing this I should have a little more success). And when I do find a doctor, I will have to find a way to drive there. I'm not playing the victim or feeling super emotional, but I have to admit that I finally remember at least one thing that I miss about being in a relationship- in times like these, there was always someone there who had my back. Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure that those who I'm dating would care...but I can't help but ask myself: would they care out of obligation, or would they honestly and truly care? Also, no one that I'm dating resides on the mean streets of Bmore as I do, so I wouldn't want to bother anyone with trying to get here. Shit...I honestly miss being deeply cared about. And as I hobble my sad ass to someone's hospital or doctor's office, I'm going to start thinking about my life, my goals, and whether I really want to just hang out and be single, and ultimately be alone because I'm too scared and too selfish to look for something beyond surface level.
Fuck.
Yesterday morning I woke up and hung out in bed for a few minutes too long as I do most mornings. Then with only 23 minutes to spare I decided to get up, take a shower and get ready for work. I yawned and stretched and stepped out of bed, and immediately gasped in pain. My calves were in a lot of pain, as if I had pulled the calve muscles in both of my legs simultaneously. Still, I could function and I figured that things would get better as time went by.
After work I told my friend what was going on, and she suggested that I eat a banana or something else high in potassium, as sometimes a potassium deficiency can cause your legs to do this. Bananas and I don't roll in the same crew, so I bought one of those all natural fruit smoothie drinks that are really high in potassium, and prayed that it would do the trick.
This morning I woke up and noticed that my calves were still rather sore. Even still, I climbed out of bed to start my day. This time however, I did more than gasp in pain- I fell down. It has been about 2 hours since I woke up, and I can barely walk. I hate to say this aloud, but I haven't worked out in nearly 3 weeks, so I know it can't be from that. I haven't lifted anything heavy, and before you ask- no, I have not played the bongos with my calves. ...I guess I should also note that I haven't had sex in almost a week...so though it is unfortunate, this isn't a result of trying out new positions.
I don't have a doctor, so I'm calling a bunch of places, most of which aren't open until after 9 (so when I finish writing this I should have a little more success). And when I do find a doctor, I will have to find a way to drive there. I'm not playing the victim or feeling super emotional, but I have to admit that I finally remember at least one thing that I miss about being in a relationship- in times like these, there was always someone there who had my back. Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure that those who I'm dating would care...but I can't help but ask myself: would they care out of obligation, or would they honestly and truly care? Also, no one that I'm dating resides on the mean streets of Bmore as I do, so I wouldn't want to bother anyone with trying to get here. Shit...I honestly miss being deeply cared about. And as I hobble my sad ass to someone's hospital or doctor's office, I'm going to start thinking about my life, my goals, and whether I really want to just hang out and be single, and ultimately be alone because I'm too scared and too selfish to look for something beyond surface level.
Fuck.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The single life.
Hey all! It has truly been a while since last I wrote, and that is for a reason: I have been, well, living! Aside from work, I've been dating, working on my business, hanging with my friends, chilling with my beautiful neices and the rest of my family, and just generally (and genuinely) enjoying my life. ...Aside from the fact that I'm still pretty broke : / But why dwell on the negative?
I'm writing today because I've had this really strange thing on my mind for a few days and it won't go away... I went to the movies on Friday with my sister, her best friend, and my neices. Before the movie, we browsed some stores in the mall, then headed to a restaurant to get something to eat. On the way there, I saw this girl who I thought was really freaking attractive. Strangely, I'm finding that lately I'm less ashamed at showing people that I'm attracted, and I no longer struggle to find words when speaking to someone who I'm interested in (thank GOD!). So I looked at her pretty confidently, smiled a little, and said "hey". She smiled back...then I watched as her eyes quickly darted down, and she continued walking. "What the fuck just happened??", I wondered. Then I looked down and realized that I was pushing a baby stroller. For just a moment I considered making my sister's friend push instead so people wouldn't assume things. Then I thought about it... This is my neice, this is my family- and they come first. To be totally honest, I don't think I'd date a girl with children (or child), but I'm still not going to push baby Charley to the side in hopes of getting some digits.
Still, I couldn't get the moment out of my mind... That night I went home and actually had a nightmare. I was four months pregnant and starting to show, and I was terrified. Girls looked at me in disgust and kept walking, I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone, and worse- I didn't know who the father was. I remember feeling trapped, scared, alone, ugly... I didn't have any sort of breakthrough after the dream, but I guess I'm sharing it with you guys because I've discovered here lately that I don't think I want children. I'm only 22 (until the end of the month, at least) so I guess I have some time to work through these feelings, but...I just wanted to share that.
Moving on...My dating life has been really nice. My friend and I hung out last weekend and as we were leaving my apartment, concierge called to tell me that I had a package waiting at the front desk. Since I am online order queen, I excitedly headed to the front desk to get the book I've been waiting for (I ordered the four agreements WEEKS ago, but have yet to receive it). When she handed me the package, I thought it seemed a little small, but I shrugged it off and tore it open. What I found inside was not a book at all- it was Oliver and Company, a movie that is commonly known to be one of my favorites. "I didn't order this..." I said. My friend turned to me and said, "No, you didn't". Okay, so it was just a Disney movie, and it probably didn't cost much...but I swear that was so fucking sweet. I saved it until one day this week when she spent the night again, and we watched it together. I might love that one... The girl, I mean.
By the way, after another friend of mine let me borrow and read "Skinny Bitch", I officially made the transition from vegetarian to vegan, baby! And I feel great! So she came over yesterday and we went shopping together, then came back to my apartment and together we made turkey, fresh spinach and buttered noodles- all totally organic, delicious, and vegan. While we ate, we talked- really talked, and I learned a lot about her. I think I might be starting to love her too, lol.
I do have a great connection with both of these girls (aaaand maybe one other), but we are all single and honest with one another, so I'm not "playing" anyone. I should also state that I'm very open to the idea of dating one person again...but if it's going to happen, it's going to happen at snail speed. I need to make sure it's right this time, and that I'm dating someone that I could truly spend a significant part of my life with. And until I'm absolutely sure I'll continue to date and enjoy the pleasures of being single- contrary to popular belief, there are a great many benefits that come with it.
So to recap- babies freak me out, single looks good on me, and things are nice right now. That's about it! See you all soon : )
I'm writing today because I've had this really strange thing on my mind for a few days and it won't go away... I went to the movies on Friday with my sister, her best friend, and my neices. Before the movie, we browsed some stores in the mall, then headed to a restaurant to get something to eat. On the way there, I saw this girl who I thought was really freaking attractive. Strangely, I'm finding that lately I'm less ashamed at showing people that I'm attracted, and I no longer struggle to find words when speaking to someone who I'm interested in (thank GOD!). So I looked at her pretty confidently, smiled a little, and said "hey". She smiled back...then I watched as her eyes quickly darted down, and she continued walking. "What the fuck just happened??", I wondered. Then I looked down and realized that I was pushing a baby stroller. For just a moment I considered making my sister's friend push instead so people wouldn't assume things. Then I thought about it... This is my neice, this is my family- and they come first. To be totally honest, I don't think I'd date a girl with children (or child), but I'm still not going to push baby Charley to the side in hopes of getting some digits.
Still, I couldn't get the moment out of my mind... That night I went home and actually had a nightmare. I was four months pregnant and starting to show, and I was terrified. Girls looked at me in disgust and kept walking, I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone, and worse- I didn't know who the father was. I remember feeling trapped, scared, alone, ugly... I didn't have any sort of breakthrough after the dream, but I guess I'm sharing it with you guys because I've discovered here lately that I don't think I want children. I'm only 22 (until the end of the month, at least) so I guess I have some time to work through these feelings, but...I just wanted to share that.
Moving on...My dating life has been really nice. My friend and I hung out last weekend and as we were leaving my apartment, concierge called to tell me that I had a package waiting at the front desk. Since I am online order queen, I excitedly headed to the front desk to get the book I've been waiting for (I ordered the four agreements WEEKS ago, but have yet to receive it). When she handed me the package, I thought it seemed a little small, but I shrugged it off and tore it open. What I found inside was not a book at all- it was Oliver and Company, a movie that is commonly known to be one of my favorites. "I didn't order this..." I said. My friend turned to me and said, "No, you didn't". Okay, so it was just a Disney movie, and it probably didn't cost much...but I swear that was so fucking sweet. I saved it until one day this week when she spent the night again, and we watched it together. I might love that one... The girl, I mean.
By the way, after another friend of mine let me borrow and read "Skinny Bitch", I officially made the transition from vegetarian to vegan, baby! And I feel great! So she came over yesterday and we went shopping together, then came back to my apartment and together we made turkey, fresh spinach and buttered noodles- all totally organic, delicious, and vegan. While we ate, we talked- really talked, and I learned a lot about her. I think I might be starting to love her too, lol.
I do have a great connection with both of these girls (aaaand maybe one other), but we are all single and honest with one another, so I'm not "playing" anyone. I should also state that I'm very open to the idea of dating one person again...but if it's going to happen, it's going to happen at snail speed. I need to make sure it's right this time, and that I'm dating someone that I could truly spend a significant part of my life with. And until I'm absolutely sure I'll continue to date and enjoy the pleasures of being single- contrary to popular belief, there are a great many benefits that come with it.
So to recap- babies freak me out, single looks good on me, and things are nice right now. That's about it! See you all soon : )
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
2-23...Sex, Hope, and a Baby
Okay, let's try this again...
This last week has been pretty interesting for me in many ways. And as stated, my master plan seems to be changing slightly...but I'll get to that later, possibly much later. Because I'm currently in denial about it. So I'll get on with today's blog.
Sex:
Last weekend I hung out with a friend. Before she arrived I was nervous that things would be awkward or worse, uninteresting. But in the end, we had an absolutely great time. She came over on Friday when I got off of work; we watched movies, drank a new wine that I found (at least new to me), talked for hours, laughed at youtube videos (no date is complete without this!), and yes- we had absolutely great sex. I assumed that when next I had sex, it would be rebound sex. But last weekend proved that sex isn't at all about getting over her; it's about me. ...and whoever the other party is. If there is one.
It is now Tuesday, and I still can't get my weekend with her out of my mind. And not just the sex, mind you; I keep thinking about the connection I felt with her, and how nice it was to fall asleep with her holding me... Now this does not mean that I'm all of a sudden in love. I still appreciate singledom and I feel that there's a lot that I need to do before falling into a relationship again. Aaaand also, I'm a little torn because I've unexpectedly started to develop feelings for someone else, too. But alas; to discuss that would mean coming out of denial, so I'll leave it alone for now. Long story short, I've spent enough nights alone to not feel guilty about spending a few with another.
Hope:
After finding out about my bank account balance, I contacted my bank. I wasn't sure that it would accomplish much of anything, but by the end of the call they cleared enough charges from my account that I was no longer in the negative. My balance is still looking a bit skinny, I won't lie about that. But at least I'm not behind anymore. Last week I started reminiscing...When I was younger- 18 or 19- I lived alone and had a new car, yet I still had enough money to do things with my friends, shop til I dropped, and just generally live an interesting life. I started to ask myself, what the hell happened? Why can I no longer do those things freely? Then I began to remember things as they truly were: by the time I was 20/21, I had accumulated a great deal of debt. One morning I woke up suddenly after hearing a loud noise. I looked out my window to see what was going on, and it wasn't what I saw that terrified me- it was what I didn't see. My car had been repossessed. 5 thousand dollars, and 7 bus rides later I got it back...but a week later as I was watching America's next top model and my television turned off. So did all my lights, and my heat- in the middle of winter, no less. I had to conjure up another 6 thousand dollars to get it back on- and no, I'm not exaggerating. I had gone YEARS without paying a gas and electric bill, because I wanted to party and live it up like fucking P Diddy. So I took a look at my ledger the other day and realized that even though I'm broke as hell, all of my bills are paid and on time. I'm learning responsibility, and it might come at a small price- I won't be able to do all the silly crap I did when I was younger, at least not until I'm better established. But hey, worse things in life have happened. Also, thanks to all who have volunteered to take a flier!!! I did get some interest this week and what's more, I have some great new ideas that I'm trying to put together.
...and a Baby
My niece was born this weekend!! She arrived three weeks early, so no one was expecting her. Her name is Charley, and to her aunt Brittney she's the cutest thing to come into this world since her big sis Rileah was born. I can't say that I had any bright epiphanies when first seeing her, and it wasn't life changing except in the obvious ways...but it was definitely awe inspiring. For a just a while, my financial woes, my dating life, and all other things that have consumed me as of late were pushed to the back burner and replaced with family. In large part due to the snow we've had recently, we haven't all been together in a while... Charley's arrival is also going to mean increased responsibility on my part; I don't want Rileah to get jealous, so I plan to spend a lot more time hanging with my little toddler homie. Anyway, I want to write more but I can always come back later- I gotta get ready for work!
But before I go, I have to say...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY CHARLEY <3
What can I say? The baby likes a little soda...
This last week has been pretty interesting for me in many ways. And as stated, my master plan seems to be changing slightly...but I'll get to that later, possibly much later. Because I'm currently in denial about it. So I'll get on with today's blog.
Sex:
Last weekend I hung out with a friend. Before she arrived I was nervous that things would be awkward or worse, uninteresting. But in the end, we had an absolutely great time. She came over on Friday when I got off of work; we watched movies, drank a new wine that I found (at least new to me), talked for hours, laughed at youtube videos (no date is complete without this!), and yes- we had absolutely great sex. I assumed that when next I had sex, it would be rebound sex. But last weekend proved that sex isn't at all about getting over her; it's about me. ...and whoever the other party is. If there is one.
It is now Tuesday, and I still can't get my weekend with her out of my mind. And not just the sex, mind you; I keep thinking about the connection I felt with her, and how nice it was to fall asleep with her holding me... Now this does not mean that I'm all of a sudden in love. I still appreciate singledom and I feel that there's a lot that I need to do before falling into a relationship again. Aaaand also, I'm a little torn because I've unexpectedly started to develop feelings for someone else, too. But alas; to discuss that would mean coming out of denial, so I'll leave it alone for now. Long story short, I've spent enough nights alone to not feel guilty about spending a few with another.
Hope:
After finding out about my bank account balance, I contacted my bank. I wasn't sure that it would accomplish much of anything, but by the end of the call they cleared enough charges from my account that I was no longer in the negative. My balance is still looking a bit skinny, I won't lie about that. But at least I'm not behind anymore. Last week I started reminiscing...When I was younger- 18 or 19- I lived alone and had a new car, yet I still had enough money to do things with my friends, shop til I dropped, and just generally live an interesting life. I started to ask myself, what the hell happened? Why can I no longer do those things freely? Then I began to remember things as they truly were: by the time I was 20/21, I had accumulated a great deal of debt. One morning I woke up suddenly after hearing a loud noise. I looked out my window to see what was going on, and it wasn't what I saw that terrified me- it was what I didn't see. My car had been repossessed. 5 thousand dollars, and 7 bus rides later I got it back...but a week later as I was watching America's next top model and my television turned off. So did all my lights, and my heat- in the middle of winter, no less. I had to conjure up another 6 thousand dollars to get it back on- and no, I'm not exaggerating. I had gone YEARS without paying a gas and electric bill, because I wanted to party and live it up like fucking P Diddy. So I took a look at my ledger the other day and realized that even though I'm broke as hell, all of my bills are paid and on time. I'm learning responsibility, and it might come at a small price- I won't be able to do all the silly crap I did when I was younger, at least not until I'm better established. But hey, worse things in life have happened. Also, thanks to all who have volunteered to take a flier!!! I did get some interest this week and what's more, I have some great new ideas that I'm trying to put together.
...and a Baby
My niece was born this weekend!! She arrived three weeks early, so no one was expecting her. Her name is Charley, and to her aunt Brittney she's the cutest thing to come into this world since her big sis Rileah was born. I can't say that I had any bright epiphanies when first seeing her, and it wasn't life changing except in the obvious ways...but it was definitely awe inspiring. For a just a while, my financial woes, my dating life, and all other things that have consumed me as of late were pushed to the back burner and replaced with family. In large part due to the snow we've had recently, we haven't all been together in a while... Charley's arrival is also going to mean increased responsibility on my part; I don't want Rileah to get jealous, so I plan to spend a lot more time hanging with my little toddler homie. Anyway, I want to write more but I can always come back later- I gotta get ready for work!
But before I go, I have to say...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY CHARLEY <3
What can I say? The baby likes a little soda...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Feb 23,2010...Damn Oliver.
Ugh! I wrote an entire blog, and my freaking cat decided that it would be fun to attack the keyboard. In doing so he erased it. I tried to go back to the edit screen in hopes that it had saved, but the only thing that had was one half of the first sentence I wrote. Ugh...sometimes, he can be so very frustrating. Like yesterday, when around 7am, I woke up suddenly to the sound of breaking- not broken- glass. I poked my head into the bathroom and found that my cat was knocking my glass candle holders off the window ledge one by one, apparently enthralled with the look and sound of my money being flushed down the toilet. Funny, because a big chunk of glass actually flew into the toilet, a fact that I did not discover until after taking my exalted morning pee.
Anyway, if I start writing again, I'll be late for work...but tune in later. I have updates on my life as of late, and there's lots to discuss.
Have a fabulous day : )
Anyway, if I start writing again, I'll be late for work...but tune in later. I have updates on my life as of late, and there's lots to discuss.
Have a fabulous day : )
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Feb 17: Sex, broke, and reality.
Have you ever been so angry, so irate, so fucking done, that all you can do is shake your head and laugh?
Lately things have been going pretty well in my life; a little too well actually. It's almost as if things are too calm, and though I've appreciated it, I was pretty sure that a storm was on the way. Now that storm has arrived, and I'm trying to take it in stride.
...Let me start from the beginning.
Sex
Two days ago I woke up and realized to my dismay that it has been quite some time since last I had sex. Now quite some time for me might be laughable to you, but I wouldn't know because I rarely have your sex. At any rate, it's been... Yes, it really has...it's been about three weeks since sex and I last met. Maybe a little longer. I had a theory...I didn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't my ex because I figured it would be mediocre at best and just make me depressed. But by yesterday I realized that that theory was complete bullshit- I had great sex before her, so I'm sure there will be great sex after her too...and I really want to have some of that great damn sex! So without reservation, I made plans with someone I've been seeing, and I honestly didn't feel at all bad about it. We've been spending time together and I like her...I could potentially more than like her one of these days. So it seemed...safe.
Broke
When I got home from work today, I felt a little dirty when I realized that I'd been thinking of tomorrow's impending sex the entire way home. After a quick dinner I got online to check my bank account so I could budget out a little money to take with me tomorrow- I'm supposed to be going to a basketball game tomorrow as well. And to my fucking horror, I discovered that the balance in my account is -$186.00. Now I just got paid on Friday, and all of my bills have not yet cleared. So this...haha...this is some fucking awful news. Ten minutes after I got punched in the face by a fistful of poor, I was still sitting in silence, staring at my computer screen. I had been automatically logged out of my account for safety purposes, but the image of my beyond empty account was still all that I could see. Fuck. My. Life.
Reality
Since my break up, I've been concentrating on personal development, loving myself, dating, moving on, living, partying, anding. But I'd forgotten about the things that are important - like finding a way to live a comfortable life, working on my business more than half heartedly, fighting to be more than what society says I'm going to be. In retrospect, I can barely believe that I'd been thinking about sex for two days. Sex! When I should be worried about things that matter so much more. Let's go a step beyond that- I can't believe I'd spent all that time pouting about my ex. Screw my ex! I need to worry about how I'm going to be successful! This living paycheck to paycheck was never my dream, but because I've let circumstance guide me, it has become my reality. I still want to meet people and date...but I might just have to befriend my trusty old bullet until I can make a better life for myself. And Oliver.
So I don't know if I'll be keeping that date for tomorrow. I can see it now...me crying in the middle of sex- not because I'm happy and not because I wish it were with someone else- but because I'm having a vision of my few dollar bills walking out the door with suitcases in their hands.
That being said, I'd like to ask a huge favor of all who read my blog.
If you're up to it, and only if you're up to it- please email me: brwilliams389@hotmail.com. I'll send you an attachment with a flyer for my writing/editing business and ask you to please just post it in one place- be it at school, in your apartment building, somewhere...anywhere! ...where there are people. And if you have a business or service, I'll do the same for you. I need to get back on track here, and if anyone out there can help, I'd be eternally grateful.
Okay, well that's it for now. ...Actually, not quite.
Remember my friend Carlos that I was telling you about in a previous blog? Well he's decided to start his own:
http://los-state-of-mind.blogspot.com
...and she doesn't know I'm doing this, but I just joined another lesbian breakup blog called... lesbian breakup blog, lol. She's still in the early stages of healing so she could really use some support. And aside from that, she has quite a story to tell. So if you're interested: http://lesbianbreakupblog.blogspot.com/
Okay, enough with my shameless promotion. Good night : )
Lately things have been going pretty well in my life; a little too well actually. It's almost as if things are too calm, and though I've appreciated it, I was pretty sure that a storm was on the way. Now that storm has arrived, and I'm trying to take it in stride.
...Let me start from the beginning.
Sex
Two days ago I woke up and realized to my dismay that it has been quite some time since last I had sex. Now quite some time for me might be laughable to you, but I wouldn't know because I rarely have your sex. At any rate, it's been... Yes, it really has...it's been about three weeks since sex and I last met. Maybe a little longer. I had a theory...I didn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't my ex because I figured it would be mediocre at best and just make me depressed. But by yesterday I realized that that theory was complete bullshit- I had great sex before her, so I'm sure there will be great sex after her too...and I really want to have some of that great damn sex! So without reservation, I made plans with someone I've been seeing, and I honestly didn't feel at all bad about it. We've been spending time together and I like her...I could potentially more than like her one of these days. So it seemed...safe.
Broke
When I got home from work today, I felt a little dirty when I realized that I'd been thinking of tomorrow's impending sex the entire way home. After a quick dinner I got online to check my bank account so I could budget out a little money to take with me tomorrow- I'm supposed to be going to a basketball game tomorrow as well. And to my fucking horror, I discovered that the balance in my account is -$186.00. Now I just got paid on Friday, and all of my bills have not yet cleared. So this...haha...this is some fucking awful news. Ten minutes after I got punched in the face by a fistful of poor, I was still sitting in silence, staring at my computer screen. I had been automatically logged out of my account for safety purposes, but the image of my beyond empty account was still all that I could see. Fuck. My. Life.
Reality
Since my break up, I've been concentrating on personal development, loving myself, dating, moving on, living, partying, and
So I don't know if I'll be keeping that date for tomorrow. I can see it now...me crying in the middle of sex- not because I'm happy and not because I wish it were with someone else- but because I'm having a vision of my few dollar bills walking out the door with suitcases in their hands.
That being said, I'd like to ask a huge favor of all who read my blog.
If you're up to it, and only if you're up to it- please email me: brwilliams389@hotmail.com. I'll send you an attachment with a flyer for my writing/editing business and ask you to please just post it in one place- be it at school, in your apartment building, somewhere...anywhere! ...where there are people. And if you have a business or service, I'll do the same for you. I need to get back on track here, and if anyone out there can help, I'd be eternally grateful.
Okay, well that's it for now. ...Actually, not quite.
Remember my friend Carlos that I was telling you about in a previous blog? Well he's decided to start his own:
http://los-state-of-mind.blogspot.com
...and she doesn't know I'm doing this, but I just joined another lesbian breakup blog called... lesbian breakup blog, lol. She's still in the early stages of healing so she could really use some support. And aside from that, she has quite a story to tell. So if you're interested: http://lesbianbreakupblog.blogspot.com/
Okay, enough with my shameless promotion. Good night : )
Sunday, February 14, 2010
2/14 again...Oliver
Since I always talk about him, I thought I should put a face to the name. Yesterday morning Oliver was hanging out on my pillow while I was trying to sleep. Then he stretched his legs down and took up the majority of my pillow space. So I looked up at him as I prepared to push him off of my pillow and go back to sleep. He knew he was wrong, and he also knew that in several seconds, he'd be looking for a new place to sleep. But instead of simply getting up to move, he looked down at me, and verrrry very slowly stretched out his paw...and placed it on my nose. He then looked at me curiously as if thinking, "I wonder what she'll do...". And do you know what I did? I took a picture:
2/14...9:55AM- How many ways can I say Valentine's day?
Happy Vday : )
This day has always been admittedly underwhelming for me because I'm usually single, so I never look forward to today like so many people do. But I'm expecting that today will be slightly better than the norm because:
1. I'm off tomorrow. Yay!
2. My friend spent the weekend with and it's been a lot of fun.
and, 3. I purchased some great lotion yesterday, so after I shower, I expect to smell quite sexy ; )
Okay, speedbump. I just went looking for Oliver because I heard him crying, and I found him running out of his kitty litter box. Then I looked in the box to see if I should clean it, and do you know what I found there? Not poop, not even pee...but a mechanical pencil. Why in the hell does he have a mechanical pencil in his kitty litter box?
...anyway. I think it's quite ironic in the whackest of ways that rather than being in a great relationship on the V, I'm always at the very beginning stage of dating, or not dating at all. Is this a side effect of the current economic crisis? Are people naturally inclined to break up shortly before Valentine's day to avoid spending money on lavish gifts and expensive dates? Because contrary to popular belief, I'm a pretty reasonable date. I don't expect or demand much at all! But who's gonna know that since I keep getting the axe beforehand? It's gotten so that I dread those weeks and months leading to February, because I know that some supreme bullshit is sure to ensue. And then right around 2/14, I always meet someone or somethree and things get interesting for the rest of the year, and then boom! I'm single again by the time V-dog comes into town.
So this year I'm breaking the habit. Rather than concentrate on one person like I'm so naturally inclined to do, I'm going to try my hardest to stay single. I don't intend to be like a pimp or anything (if you knew me, this would be especially funny. I'm far too timid to be such a thing)...but I fully intend to max out my singledom and date- really date- until I've found someone who I think I'll make it more than 6 weeks with. ...and anyway, my horoscope specifically said that I won't end up with my next love until June 13th. Yes, specifically that day. And ironically, I'm pretty sure that that's Baltimore Pride week, so there will most definitely be lots to love ; )
Until then (not necessarily June 13th specifically; I'm not that into horoscopes...), I'll concentrate on other things, and lately I've found that there are plenty to keep my attention.
So for all who have been following this blog, you probably know by now that my plans and life's damn plans are usually not the same...plans. So though this is my goal, I'm quite interested to see what actually happens.
See ya...and Happy 'tines day
This day has always been admittedly underwhelming for me because I'm usually single, so I never look forward to today like so many people do. But I'm expecting that today will be slightly better than the norm because:
1. I'm off tomorrow. Yay!
2. My friend spent the weekend with and it's been a lot of fun.
and, 3. I purchased some great lotion yesterday, so after I shower, I expect to smell quite sexy ; )
Okay, speedbump. I just went looking for Oliver because I heard him crying, and I found him running out of his kitty litter box. Then I looked in the box to see if I should clean it, and do you know what I found there? Not poop, not even pee...but a mechanical pencil. Why in the hell does he have a mechanical pencil in his kitty litter box?
...anyway. I think it's quite ironic in the whackest of ways that rather than being in a great relationship on the V, I'm always at the very beginning stage of dating, or not dating at all. Is this a side effect of the current economic crisis? Are people naturally inclined to break up shortly before Valentine's day to avoid spending money on lavish gifts and expensive dates? Because contrary to popular belief, I'm a pretty reasonable date. I don't expect or demand much at all! But who's gonna know that since I keep getting the axe beforehand? It's gotten so that I dread those weeks and months leading to February, because I know that some supreme bullshit is sure to ensue. And then right around 2/14, I always meet someone or somethree and things get interesting for the rest of the year, and then boom! I'm single again by the time V-dog comes into town.
So this year I'm breaking the habit. Rather than concentrate on one person like I'm so naturally inclined to do, I'm going to try my hardest to stay single. I don't intend to be like a pimp or anything (if you knew me, this would be especially funny. I'm far too timid to be such a thing)...but I fully intend to max out my singledom and date- really date- until I've found someone who I think I'll make it more than 6 weeks with. ...and anyway, my horoscope specifically said that I won't end up with my next love until June 13th. Yes, specifically that day. And ironically, I'm pretty sure that that's Baltimore Pride week, so there will most definitely be lots to love ; )
Until then (not necessarily June 13th specifically; I'm not that into horoscopes...), I'll concentrate on other things, and lately I've found that there are plenty to keep my attention.
So for all who have been following this blog, you probably know by now that my plans and life's damn plans are usually not the same...plans. So though this is my goal, I'm quite interested to see what actually happens.
See ya...and Happy 'tines day
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
02/09/2010, 6:42pm...Flirt.
So today I've decided to start revamping my blog a little. I wondered if maybe I should just start a new one, but I kind of like the idea of this one extending to include everything that I'm going through. That way, many years from now when I'm old and gray, I can read back over my life (that is, on the days that my cataracts aren't giving me too much trouble), and remember all the dumbass things I did when I was young. Then, like every old person, I'll be able to curse myself for not knowing then what I know now. Aaand then I'll get back to watching my soap operas...
I decided that having a blog with a black background was making me sad...so I added some color! More changes to come, but don't worry- it's still me. And besides, change is a good thing!
Now. You may be wondering why I decided to label today's blog "flirt". It's because after careful consideration, I realized that I have absolutely no idea how to. Take today for example. I noticed that yesterday was the birthday of one of my social networking friends. So I wrote her and said, "happy belated...better late than never, right?"
...Then I rolled that over in my head 73 times as I thought of better things that I could have said. I secretly hoped that she would just read the message and move on with her day, but she responded. Now don't get all excited, the response was bad-
"you're not late- today is my birthday".
So then I sat there for two hours, unsure of what to say next. I mean, what do you say to that? Do you make a joke out of it and correct yourself? Do you say something geeky? In a state of panic, I came up with a list of possible replies:
1. oh :/ Well happy actual birthday then!
(Uugh, corny!)
2. Damn...usually I don't make people age faster than normal until after they get to know me, lol. Happy Birthday : )
(I don't know about this one...)
3.
(that is not a typo)
4. Oh okay. Well happy birthday- I hope you get to celebrate even though everything is closed due to inclimate weather.
(Oh my god...could I BE a bigger square??)
or, 5. Oops...well Happy Birthday : )
(*biting my nails and looking around nervously* Too passive???)
In the end, I opted for #3. I mean, you have to admit that it's the safest. And this way, I don't have to accidentally flirt because what if she doesn't want me to flirt and even if she did I'll never know so it won't bother me that we didn't get married in the end.
...But I will say this- I guess it's not too late to respond, so if anyone can think of anything cute or something, please let me know!!
Aaah, moving on. I decided to do a search for pictures of "flirt" because I thought it might help me gain a better understanding of exactly how it's done. Now, I'm a lesbian so maybe things just look different to me. But I thought it quite strange that among the first images to populate, I found this:
Who thought to do something like this? This image will forever be burned in my skull, making the already near impossible act of flirting even more arduous!
So since
is now the visual that springs to mind when I think of "flirt", I've decided to forego the pics for now. But like I said- I'll work on it : /
As my fellow East Coasters know, I'm once again snowed in...or at least getting snowed in. Luckily my co workers (who are currently in the building where I live) are meeting for a movie night- so I have to run. Have a great night guys : )
I decided that having a blog with a black background was making me sad...so I added some color! More changes to come, but don't worry- it's still me. And besides, change is a good thing!
Now. You may be wondering why I decided to label today's blog "flirt". It's because after careful consideration, I realized that I have absolutely no idea how to. Take today for example. I noticed that yesterday was the birthday of one of my social networking friends. So I wrote her and said, "happy belated...better late than never, right?"
...Then I rolled that over in my head 73 times as I thought of better things that I could have said. I secretly hoped that she would just read the message and move on with her day, but she responded. Now don't get all excited, the response was bad-
"you're not late- today is my birthday".
So then I sat there for two hours, unsure of what to say next. I mean, what do you say to that? Do you make a joke out of it and correct yourself? Do you say something geeky? In a state of panic, I came up with a list of possible replies:
1. oh :/ Well happy actual birthday then!
(Uugh, corny!)
2. Damn...usually I don't make people age faster than normal until after they get to know me, lol. Happy Birthday : )
(I don't know about this one...)
3.
(that is not a typo)
4. Oh okay. Well happy birthday- I hope you get to celebrate even though everything is closed due to inclimate weather.
(Oh my god...could I BE a bigger square??)
or, 5. Oops...well Happy Birthday : )
(*biting my nails and looking around nervously* Too passive???)
In the end, I opted for #3. I mean, you have to admit that it's the safest. And this way, I don't have to accidentally flirt because what if she doesn't want me to flirt and even if she did I'll never know so it won't bother me that we didn't get married in the end.
...But I will say this- I guess it's not too late to respond, so if anyone can think of anything cute or something, please let me know!!
Aaah, moving on. I decided to do a search for pictures of "flirt" because I thought it might help me gain a better understanding of exactly how it's done. Now, I'm a lesbian so maybe things just look different to me. But I thought it quite strange that among the first images to populate, I found this:
Who thought to do something like this? This image will forever be burned in my skull, making the already near impossible act of flirting even more arduous!
So since
is now the visual that springs to mind when I think of "flirt", I've decided to forego the pics for now. But like I said- I'll work on it : /
As my fellow East Coasters know, I'm once again snowed in...or at least getting snowed in. Luckily my co workers (who are currently in the building where I live) are meeting for a movie night- so I have to run. Have a great night guys : )
Monday, February 8, 2010
Feb 8, 210...8:20PM
So my snowed in weekend was....a success! On Friday while I was at work, I dreaded 5:00 because I was not ready to go home and be alone. To be totally honest, I didn't think I would make it through the weekend because of the way I was feeling. By Saturday morning, I felt foolish for thinking that things would be bad. For one, I had Ciara (Thank you babes!!!!) to talk to. We literally talked for at least 13 total hours this weekend. As a result, I feel like we found out a lot about each other. Now guys, I totally don't want you to think I'm rebounding- I'm so not rebounding. I just honestly found a great new friend amidst all this drama. Aside from Ciara, I did some blogging, did a lot of flirting with people who shall remain unnamed ; ) and also spent a great deal of time alone. Well, not completely alone- I had my main man Oliver here. Yes, I changed his name to Oliver...it's what I wanted his name to be from the beginning.
I'm going off on a tangent here, but Oliver and Company is my absolute favorite movie, and my cat looks just like him- it so fits him : )
Anyway, things went pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. I know I'm not totally ready to have a new girlfriend, but the thing is, now I know that I'm not ready because of me...not because I'm still trying to get over an ex. I want to find the right person, I want to date, and flirt, and have fun, I want to spend nights alone, reading a book or working on my business, I want to be with me.
Okay, one more thing - if anyone has downelink, please send me a request: www.downelink.com/brittney-elizabeth. I blog about a lot more than my failed relationship there, so maybe it'll keep you entertained. Plus, I only accept people who have something to say, and as a result, I only have a handful of friends : /
Okay well, I'm done here for the night. I hope everyone is doing well : ) Remember that if you ever need to talk, please email me- as soon as I get it I'll write you back. And to my fellow East Coasters...enjoy the 20 inches we're getting tomorrow night! ...and no, I'm not kidding.
I'm going off on a tangent here, but Oliver and Company is my absolute favorite movie, and my cat looks just like him- it so fits him : )
Anyway, things went pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. I know I'm not totally ready to have a new girlfriend, but the thing is, now I know that I'm not ready because of me...not because I'm still trying to get over an ex. I want to find the right person, I want to date, and flirt, and have fun, I want to spend nights alone, reading a book or working on my business, I want to be with me.
Okay, one more thing - if anyone has downelink, please send me a request: www.downelink.com/brittney-elizabeth. I blog about a lot more than my failed relationship there, so maybe it'll keep you entertained. Plus, I only accept people who have something to say, and as a result, I only have a handful of friends : /
Okay well, I'm done here for the night. I hope everyone is doing well : ) Remember that if you ever need to talk, please email me- as soon as I get it I'll write you back. And to my fellow East Coasters...enjoy the 20 inches we're getting tomorrow night! ...and no, I'm not kidding.
Friday, February 5, 2010
2/5/10...9:20PM
Ok so...today I totally acted out when talking to Adriel. I don't know...I obviously live in this fantasy world where she'll suddenly come back and apologize for all of this crap so we can be happy again. But the reality is, she's done all this stuff and though she told me the truth, she's not sorry. I want her to be, but she's not. And so today, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I stepped totally out of my character when talking to her. I'd like to remind that I'm PMSing, so I'm not totally shocked that in light of recent events, something like this finally happened. I was just so frustrated, and I'd had so many emotions bottled up that they all just poured out at once. I certainly didn't come off as very lady like or classy, and I will always kick myself for that, because she's definitely not worth me losing my cool. But long story short, as I was in the middle of my little moment, my friend called. She reminded me that I'm a great person, and if Adriel wants to be with someone else, then let her- because there are still some wonderful people who would be with me. She reminded me of how much I'm loved, so who cares if one person takes her so-called love away? And in the end, I felt pretty foolish for having the little moment that I had, because she's right- I will be okay. When you lose someone you loved, it hurts- but it is not the end of the world and it is certainly not the end of the road.
And so, I'm back everyone! I'm sure I'll have some moments when I think about her and get upset, but you know what? I have the means to get through this! Which brings me to my next subject...
In retrospect, I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to date just because I still have hurt feelings about my ex. Why should I pass up good people just to sit around and wait for her, when she has no interest in being with me? One of the first indications that Adriel was cheating was that she stopped telling me that I was beautiful, she stopped looking at me with adoration. And so, though I know I shouldn't have, I started feeling unattractive, unworthy. Though you should love yourself enough to automatically know, dating can help remind you just how desirable you are.
And so, I'm going to start living for now instead of putting my life on hold for something that's never going to be with someone who's not worth my time anymore. Now don't get me wrong- I don't plan to start screwing a slew of miscellaneous women...but I am going to get back out there and let the world know that I'm here! ..okay maybe not the entire world.
And I might not find "the one" anytime soon...
...but it should certainly make for some interesting blogs ; )
And so, I'm back everyone! I'm sure I'll have some moments when I think about her and get upset, but you know what? I have the means to get through this! Which brings me to my next subject...
In retrospect, I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to date just because I still have hurt feelings about my ex. Why should I pass up good people just to sit around and wait for her, when she has no interest in being with me? One of the first indications that Adriel was cheating was that she stopped telling me that I was beautiful, she stopped looking at me with adoration. And so, though I know I shouldn't have, I started feeling unattractive, unworthy. Though you should love yourself enough to automatically know, dating can help remind you just how desirable you are.
And so, I'm going to start living for now instead of putting my life on hold for something that's never going to be with someone who's not worth my time anymore. Now don't get me wrong- I don't plan to start screwing a slew of miscellaneous women...but I am going to get back out there and let the world know that I'm here! ..okay maybe not the entire world.
And I might not find "the one" anytime soon...
...but it should certainly make for some interesting blogs ; )
Thursday, February 4, 2010
To my support group and all of those who follow my blog...
I'm truly sorry about the tone of my last post, I'm just very angry and hurt and I have no outlet. I hope that you'll stick in there with me, because I know it's going to get better- I mean shit, it really can't get much worse. So please forgive me if it seemed a little harsh. Besides crying, I don't know how else to relieve this pain.
Just stay with me...some days, it's just the comments and emails I get that keep me strong.
Just stay with me...some days, it's just the comments and emails I get that keep me strong.
Solitude concluded.
So today is the last day of solitude. I'd hoped to have wonderful things to say, but in normal fashion, my ex decided to find a way to fuck things up for me. After reading my blog, she decided that she wanted to sit down and talk to me because she felt like she'd been wrong for not telling me the truth. She then preceded to tell me about how, a few months ago when we went to a club with a group of my friends, she met some girl at the bar while I was in the restroom. She then walked to the girl's car with her, and they exchanged numbers. Meanwhile, I waited inside the club, very confused about why my girlfriend had dissapeared for 20 minutes. When she came back, she told me that she'd walked to an ATM so she could get money for a drink at the bar. ...but what bar doesn't take credit cards? I was pissed, but all of my friends sat me down and convinced me that Adriel was a good person, and that her story was true so I just had to let it go even though it seemed strange.
Adriel told me that she wanted to tell me the truth so that we could start over with a clean slate. So I asked her if she was still talking to the girl, and she said yes, but now they're just friends. How do you expect to start over when you're still fucking the source of the problem? I asked. And she said that I'm giving her an ultimatum, making her choose.
So long story short, Adriel saw that I was healing, doing a good thing, and preceded to shit on it and destroy it, and pull me back into her con artist-esque world of bullshit. I've been really good about getting past her, finding positive ways to deal with the pain, and above all- not bad mouthing her. But she is a complete asshole who I shouldn't have given the time of day from the beginning, and I've been doing her too many favors while she continues to try to fuck with my head. She fooled all of my friends, had them thinking she was actually a worthy girlfriend, when all along she's been nothing but a mangled fucked up mess who's nowhere near a good person.
So tonight, when I thought I'd have a wealth of positive to take away from this, I'm so angry inside, so hurt, and so frustrated. Why do people like her exist? And moreso, how can these people be considered religious leaders when they seem to do a better job of destroying lives and breaking people down than any non-minister I know?
I am just so completely frustrated that I don't even know what to do. But shit- maybe this is my fault for falling into one of her pathetic little traps and communicating with her. Clearly she's just the type of person who seeks pleasure in hurting others.
I've just about lost faith in true love. ...but the operative words are "just about". I'm going to vent, get past this moment, continue healing and eventually find someone who's worth my time.
So I'm sorry for all the negativity here, but I have had enough. I'm tired of holding all of this in because I don't want to blast her. Fuck her. I need to let this out- she thinks she's a good person, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling like she is the scum of the fucking earth. I wish I could un-know her and take all this pain away.... At first I loved her and just felt hurt, but now, there is truly hatred in my heart for Adriel and all of her cons.
Needless to say, I'll be back as soon as I regroup, because I'm nowhere near close to healed. I just hope that all I'm doing right now is venting, and that I didn't allow her to reopen the wounds that she caused, and deepen them.
Good night.
Adriel told me that she wanted to tell me the truth so that we could start over with a clean slate. So I asked her if she was still talking to the girl, and she said yes, but now they're just friends. How do you expect to start over when you're still fucking the source of the problem? I asked. And she said that I'm giving her an ultimatum, making her choose.
So long story short, Adriel saw that I was healing, doing a good thing, and preceded to shit on it and destroy it, and pull me back into her con artist-esque world of bullshit. I've been really good about getting past her, finding positive ways to deal with the pain, and above all- not bad mouthing her. But she is a complete asshole who I shouldn't have given the time of day from the beginning, and I've been doing her too many favors while she continues to try to fuck with my head. She fooled all of my friends, had them thinking she was actually a worthy girlfriend, when all along she's been nothing but a mangled fucked up mess who's nowhere near a good person.
So tonight, when I thought I'd have a wealth of positive to take away from this, I'm so angry inside, so hurt, and so frustrated. Why do people like her exist? And moreso, how can these people be considered religious leaders when they seem to do a better job of destroying lives and breaking people down than any non-minister I know?
I am just so completely frustrated that I don't even know what to do. But shit- maybe this is my fault for falling into one of her pathetic little traps and communicating with her. Clearly she's just the type of person who seeks pleasure in hurting others.
I've just about lost faith in true love. ...but the operative words are "just about". I'm going to vent, get past this moment, continue healing and eventually find someone who's worth my time.
So I'm sorry for all the negativity here, but I have had enough. I'm tired of holding all of this in because I don't want to blast her. Fuck her. I need to let this out- she thinks she's a good person, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling like she is the scum of the fucking earth. I wish I could un-know her and take all this pain away.... At first I loved her and just felt hurt, but now, there is truly hatred in my heart for Adriel and all of her cons.
Needless to say, I'll be back as soon as I regroup, because I'm nowhere near close to healed. I just hope that all I'm doing right now is venting, and that I didn't allow her to reopen the wounds that she caused, and deepen them.
Good night.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
#13
Okay, so after having a rough day yesterday, I finally realized something. There is no secret to getting over someone. There's no formula that makes it happen faster (although I can think of at least a dozen ways to slow it down), there's no piece of advice, friendly hug, or self help book that will miraculously cure you of a broken heart. Now don't get me wrong- all of these things certainly play a role in what you take away from the break up. But at the end of the day, the only thing that will make you feel better after a painful break up is...time. And there's nothing you can do to control that. Some people suppress their feelings, and others, many many others, jump into new relationships to avoid feeling the pain. But since I don't want to do those things, I'll just have to find healthy ways to deal with the time that it will take to heal. Which, I guess, is what I've been doing...so maybe this wasn't much of a revelation after all. Sure I had some tough moments yesterday (and plenty of other days), but when I think back to two weeks ago, I've really come quite a long way. Then I wanted to sit alone and cry all day, but now I'm more interested in finding out what lies on the other side of all this hurt. And hey- that's a step in the right direction!
Now that I'm single, and on my way to healing, I've decided that I'm going to do something new- I'm going to surprise myself. I'm going to start working on all those things I've been afraid to do, like work on growing my personal business -www.thewritelook.net - take a look : ) ...start running again, and actually stick to it. I mean, I've been wanting to lose weight for quite some time now. Lately I've been eating better, but I'm still not working out. I've lived in my apartment for four months now, and there's a free 24 hour gym in the building. Yet I've only been there twice. TWICE! And I mean, shit- I have all this spare time on my hands, I might as well go for a run. I still can't find my inhaler (damn cat...), but I'm going to take a chance anyway. Maybe I've just been using that as an excuse anyhow. Also, I'm going to find a charity and volunteer. And I'm going to...okay, that's probably enough for now actually, lol.
I mean, I know that these next few weeks, and maybe even months (though I hope not) will be different and hard at times, but being single can also offer great opportunity for self improvement. So that's what I'm going to work on. What's most important though, if anyone else is out to do the same, is that you do this for yourself. Don't hope to lose 20 pounds so your ex can be jealous. Don't plan to grow your business so...your ex can be jealous, lol. Do things for yourself. And in doing so, you learn to appreciate yourself, love yourself.
So that's my goal. I'm not perfect. I might cry a few more times...but I'm still going to take the time to learn to love myself.
So...that's it!
Now that I'm single, and on my way to healing, I've decided that I'm going to do something new- I'm going to surprise myself. I'm going to start working on all those things I've been afraid to do, like work on growing my personal business -www.thewritelook.net - take a look : ) ...start running again, and actually stick to it. I mean, I've been wanting to lose weight for quite some time now. Lately I've been eating better, but I'm still not working out. I've lived in my apartment for four months now, and there's a free 24 hour gym in the building. Yet I've only been there twice. TWICE! And I mean, shit- I have all this spare time on my hands, I might as well go for a run. I still can't find my inhaler (damn cat...), but I'm going to take a chance anyway. Maybe I've just been using that as an excuse anyhow. Also, I'm going to find a charity and volunteer. And I'm going to...okay, that's probably enough for now actually, lol.
I mean, I know that these next few weeks, and maybe even months (though I hope not) will be different and hard at times, but being single can also offer great opportunity for self improvement. So that's what I'm going to work on. What's most important though, if anyone else is out to do the same, is that you do this for yourself. Don't hope to lose 20 pounds so your ex can be jealous. Don't plan to grow your business so...your ex can be jealous, lol. Do things for yourself. And in doing so, you learn to appreciate yourself, love yourself.
So that's my goal. I'm not perfect. I might cry a few more times...but I'm still going to take the time to learn to love myself.
So...that's it!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
#12
I haven't written in a few days...because I've been really struggling, and I would hate to bring anyone else down whose doing better. Seems like every day that I don't talk to her, I feel even worse. She called me a few times, but I've been at least strong enough to not respond or answer her calls. Yesterday, for instance, she called and left a message saying that she didn't call to harrass me about "us", but she's having a really bad day and she feels like I'm the only one she can talk to. The translation according to the breakup dictionary is: "I still do not want you, so don't get your hopes up. But I still want to string you along, and I have things to talk about that I don't want to bother the new girl with".
That being said, I know that if I answer the phone or agree to see her, the way I feel now will only be amplified, and the healing process will have to start over again. My friends say this is normal, that it gets worse before it gets better... But damn, you guys- I feel like shit. I went out last night and the night before. Both times I told my friends that I'd be right back...then I snuck out of the club and sat in my car, or in Thursday's case, went home. Yesterday I met a really cool girl who sat in my car and talked to me for nearly three hours. She said two things that really helped: 1. She told me about her mother's sick dying cat named Boswick, who pees on himself because he can't make it to the litter box, has bald spots, and whom she accidentally ran over and now his tail doesn't work correctly. It shouldn't be funny...but it kind of is- especially since his name is Boswick, bless his heart. And 2. She said- if what we had was real, would I ever have to question that she loves me?
So, I guess she's right...I shouldn't have to wonder. And honestly, the fact that I do wonder is both amazing and sad. She lies to me constantly, calls me when she's at work because that's the only time she's alone, and called to tell me about her bad day without realizing (or caring) that thanks to her, most of my days have been hard.
I should also mention that I'm PMSing this week, which certainly doesn't help things.
...and I want to backtrack really quick. For anyone who hasn't seen this Gnarles Barkley video, you should def watch it. When I listened to her voice message, this is what came to mind (sorry- you'll have to deal with the random commercial first)...
Gnarls Barkley - "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"
Uploaded by DowntownMusic. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.
But as I was saying first...or maybe second, can't remember, I'd like to say thank you Ciara for giving me some great advice, and for telling me about poor little Boswick. Boswick, lol.
So today it's snowing too hard for me to do anything but stay in. When last it snowed, Adriel and I went out and took pictures, put my cat in the snow (classic moment. Not for the cat though...) then came back in and made hot cocoa )the old fashioned way, no less), and watched movies. So today, just seeing the snow is really whack. I wonder what she's doing right now, and that makes me twice as mad. So I know this is sad, but I closed all of my blinds so I couldn't see it. I feel like I'm being so pathetic, which is strange because I started out so strong... I just hope that what I'm going through is the worse before the better... And damn I hope the better comes soon.
...Wtf kind of name is Boswick?!
That being said, I know that if I answer the phone or agree to see her, the way I feel now will only be amplified, and the healing process will have to start over again. My friends say this is normal, that it gets worse before it gets better... But damn, you guys- I feel like shit. I went out last night and the night before. Both times I told my friends that I'd be right back...then I snuck out of the club and sat in my car, or in Thursday's case, went home. Yesterday I met a really cool girl who sat in my car and talked to me for nearly three hours. She said two things that really helped: 1. She told me about her mother's sick dying cat named Boswick, who pees on himself because he can't make it to the litter box, has bald spots, and whom she accidentally ran over and now his tail doesn't work correctly. It shouldn't be funny...but it kind of is- especially since his name is Boswick, bless his heart. And 2. She said- if what we had was real, would I ever have to question that she loves me?
So, I guess she's right...I shouldn't have to wonder. And honestly, the fact that I do wonder is both amazing and sad. She lies to me constantly, calls me when she's at work because that's the only time she's alone, and called to tell me about her bad day without realizing (or caring) that thanks to her, most of my days have been hard.
I should also mention that I'm PMSing this week, which certainly doesn't help things.
...and I want to backtrack really quick. For anyone who hasn't seen this Gnarles Barkley video, you should def watch it. When I listened to her voice message, this is what came to mind (sorry- you'll have to deal with the random commercial first)...
Gnarls Barkley - "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"
Uploaded by DowntownMusic. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.
But as I was saying first...or maybe second, can't remember, I'd like to say thank you Ciara for giving me some great advice, and for telling me about poor little Boswick. Boswick, lol.
So today it's snowing too hard for me to do anything but stay in. When last it snowed, Adriel and I went out and took pictures, put my cat in the snow (classic moment. Not for the cat though...) then came back in and made hot cocoa )the old fashioned way, no less), and watched movies. So today, just seeing the snow is really whack. I wonder what she's doing right now, and that makes me twice as mad. So I know this is sad, but I closed all of my blinds so I couldn't see it. I feel like I'm being so pathetic, which is strange because I started out so strong... I just hope that what I'm going through is the worse before the better... And damn I hope the better comes soon.
...Wtf kind of name is Boswick?!
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