Feb 17: Sex, broke, and reality.

Have you ever been so angry, so irate, so fucking done, that all you can do is shake your head and laugh?

Lately things have been going pretty well in my life; a little too well actually. It's almost as if things are too calm, and though I've appreciated it, I was pretty sure that a storm was on the way. Now that storm has arrived, and I'm trying to take it in stride.

...Let me start from the beginning.

Sex

Two days ago I woke up and realized to my dismay that it has been quite some time since last I had sex. Now quite some time for me might be laughable to you, but I wouldn't know because I rarely have your sex. At any rate, it's been... Yes, it really has...it's been about three weeks since sex and I last met. Maybe a little longer. I had a theory...I didn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't my ex because I figured it would be mediocre at best and just make me depressed. But by yesterday I realized that that theory was complete bullshit- I had great sex before her, so I'm sure there will be great sex after her too...and I really want to have some of that great damn sex! So without reservation, I made plans with someone I've been seeing, and I honestly didn't feel at all bad about it. We've been spending time together and I like her...I could potentially more than like her one of these days. So it seemed...safe.

Broke

When I got home from work today, I felt a little dirty when I realized that I'd been thinking of tomorrow's impending sex the entire way home. After a quick dinner I got online to check my bank account so I could budget out a little money to take with me tomorrow- I'm supposed to be going to a basketball game tomorrow as well. And to my fucking horror, I discovered that the balance in my account is -$186.00. Now I just got paid on Friday, and all of my bills have not yet cleared. So this...haha...this is some fucking awful news. Ten minutes after I got punched in the face by a fistful of poor, I was still sitting in silence, staring at my computer screen. I had been automatically logged out of my account for safety purposes, but the image of my beyond empty account was still all that I could see. Fuck. My. Life.

Reality

Since my break up, I've been concentrating on personal development, loving myself, dating, moving on, living, partying, and ing. But I'd forgotten about the things that are important - like finding a way to live a comfortable life, working on my business more than half heartedly, fighting to be more than what society says I'm going to be. In retrospect, I can barely believe that I'd been thinking about sex for two days. Sex! When I should be worried about things that matter so much more. Let's go a step beyond that- I can't believe I'd spent all that time pouting about my ex. Screw my ex! I need to worry about how I'm going to be successful! This living paycheck to paycheck was never my dream, but because I've let circumstance guide me, it has become my reality. I still want to meet people and date...but I might just have to befriend my trusty old bullet until I can make a better life for myself. And Oliver.


So I don't know if I'll be keeping that date for tomorrow. I can see it now...me crying in the middle of sex- not because I'm happy and not because I wish it were with someone else- but because I'm having a vision of my few dollar bills walking out the door with suitcases in their hands.

That being said, I'd like to ask a huge favor of all who read my blog.

If you're up to it, and only if you're up to it- please email me: brwilliams389@hotmail.com. I'll send you an attachment with a flyer for my writing/editing business and ask you to please just post it in one place- be it at school, in your apartment building, somewhere...anywhere! ...where there are people. And if you have a business or service, I'll do the same for you. I need to get back on track here, and if anyone out there can help, I'd be eternally grateful.

Okay, well that's it for now. ...Actually, not quite.

Remember my friend Carlos that I was telling you about in a previous blog? Well he's decided to start his own:

http://los-state-of-mind.blogspot.com

...and she doesn't know I'm doing this, but I just joined another lesbian breakup blog called... lesbian breakup blog, lol. She's still in the early stages of healing so she could really use some support. And aside from that, she has quite a story to tell. So if you're interested: http://lesbianbreakupblog.blogspot.com/

Okay, enough with my shameless promotion. Good night : )