So today is the 2nd full day of living at home. And I suppose I should stop saying it that way- yes, my mother and I have the same address, but I'm actually living in an apartment above her house. It's pretty small, and I really wasn't looking forward to this move...but now that I'm here I feel that this was a great decision. I was in love with my old apartment, but it never truly felt like home. I paid $1,000/month to live there because I was an employee. But the actual rent was $1,685, plus $100 for parking, which I was getting for free. A month after I moved in a new company took over, and although they hired me, they moved me to a different property to work. Their policy does not allow employees to have a discount unless they live where they work, so there was a very good chance that my rent would have skyrocketed later this year. That worry was always in the back of my mind and I never felt totally comfortable. What's funny is that I didn't realize how much it affected me until my first night here. I laid in bed, looked around, and felt for the first time in quite some time that I was truly home, and that I would be safe here.
The actual move was nothing short of whack! I didn't prepare as I should have, and it took many many hours. I felt abandoned by many of my friends who acted as if they were suddenly so busy and therefore couldn't lend a hand. But then I took a moment to think about it- rather than be mad at those who wouldn't/didn't help, I should be thankful for those who did. My sister- she's a saint. With a toddler and a newborn in tow, she worked tirelessly with me for two days to pack, move, and clean. Her babies, who are normally in bed at 8, didn't go to sleep until some time after midnight, but she never got irritated or made me feel as if I was inconveniencing her. And Mrs. Christmas- she's my sister's boyfriend's mom. First of all, she's in her late 50's, and she has no ties or relation to me whatsoever. Even still, she came over and got things under control. She helped me lug heavy boxes up and down stairs, she encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and she hung in there with me, just as my sister did, through the entire move. To me, she's second to a complete stranger, but she still donated her time without complaint. What an Angel...I'm still trying to figure out how I will thank them for their unbelievable kindness. And lastly, Adriel. She couldn't help me physically- and even if she could have I don't know that I would have let her. When I moved in to this apartment, I barely lifted a finger. She packed everything in my old apartment and moved me in while I was at work (or avoiding it). She did this without complaint although she also had to work, and also move out of her own apartment. In retrospect, I see that I was a total bitch at times when we were together, but I digress... She offered to send someone to help me, and even followed up to see how things went. This might seem like a small thing, but no one else did this and I really needed it. In addition to these three people, I'm thankful for Mr. Oliver. This move freaked him out as much as I, and I feel that we went through it together and our relationship has grown from it : ) I love that cat...
I'm thankful for the great weather that we had during the move. And I'm thankful for the last drive away from my old apartment, when I was listening to this very song. I felt a growing sense of peace as block after block separated me from my old apartment. At that moment I realized that a new chapter is beginning.
For some reason, I went back to the girl who I was dating as mentioned in a previous blog. But three days ago, I decided that it was time to quit while I was ahead. I see now that she is abusive, and that if I'd continued to talk to her, things would have undoubtedly become physical. During our short stint, there were days when I absolutely loved her,but there were many days when I didn't know who the hell she was. She became mad often over small and often non existent offenses. And when she became angry, she told me that I was cheap, that even though I'm gay I'm actually fucking a bunch of different men- including one of my best friends, Carlos. He's gay. She told me that I'm always talking about people's faults and praising myself. She told me that I'm a stupid bitch and a fucking loser. She accused me of flirting with everyone- people I passed on the street, waiters at restaurants...once I was looking for a bag of M&Ms at a convenience store and a guy pointed them out for me. I said "thank you". I had to hear for three hours about how I'd been flirting with him. She helped me move for a few hours, then got mad because she looked through my phone and found that I'd emailed a girl from Craigslist. My friend sent her post to me and said she thought I should write her. So I did. Although we were not exclusive (something that she loved to point out to me regularly) I wrote this girl on Craiglist after I'd decided not to talk to her anymore, and when we started dating again 2 weeks or so later, I never again communicated with the Craigslist girl. Still, she told me that I was extremely pathetic for responding to a Craigslist ad, she told me that I was desperate, that I was a liar and worthless and that I think I'm so attractive when I'm not and that I should go back to therapy and that I should be grateful for her because she was the only one who gave a shit about me because no one else would help me move. She told me that I'm worthless to other people because all I ever do is fuck everyone. But you know...I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that all that I've been through has made me strong enough to let certain things roll off my back. I've also learned to recognize when someone is volatile, abusive. And I know when enough is enough, and I have had enough. I honestly pray that she eventually seeks that help that she needs...and I'll leave it at that. But to all who are reading this blog- if you feel that the person you're seeing is very possessive, angry, mean, condescending, or otherwise unsettling, please do not ignore it. There is nothing at all that you can do for a person who is abusive, and if you stick around, it will only get worse. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to let it go...
Yesterday, I bought a ring- it's white gold with diamonds and an aquamarine stone in the center- my birth stone. I decided that this will be my promise ring. With this ring, I promise myself that I will never settle for things that I don't deserve, that I'll always put my best foot forward, and that I'll love myself enough to let those things go which serve no purpose in my life.
So, I know this is an abrupt end, but it's noon on an absolutely gorgeous day! I'm going to get out of here...but I hope that everyone has a fabulous weekend : )
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