#12

I haven't written in a few days...because I've been really struggling, and I would hate to bring anyone else down whose doing better. Seems like every day that I don't talk to her, I feel even worse. She called me a few times, but I've been at least strong enough to not respond or answer her calls. Yesterday, for instance, she called and left a message saying that she didn't call to harrass me about "us", but she's having a really bad day and she feels like I'm the only one she can talk to. The translation according to the breakup dictionary is: "I still do not want you, so don't get your hopes up. But I still want to string you along, and I have things to talk about that I don't want to bother the new girl with".

That being said, I know that if I answer the phone or agree to see her, the way I feel now will only be amplified, and the healing process will have to start over again. My friends say this is normal, that it gets worse before it gets better... But damn, you guys- I feel like shit. I went out last night and the night before. Both times I told my friends that I'd be right back...then I snuck out of the club and sat in my car, or in Thursday's case, went home. Yesterday I met a really cool girl who sat in my car and talked to me for nearly three hours. She said two things that really helped: 1. She told me about her mother's sick dying cat named Boswick, who pees on himself because he can't make it to the litter box, has bald spots, and whom she accidentally ran over and now his tail doesn't work correctly. It shouldn't be funny...but it kind of is- especially since his name is Boswick, bless his heart. And 2. She said- if what we had was real, would I ever have to question that she loves me?
So, I guess she's right...I shouldn't have to wonder. And honestly, the fact that I do wonder is both amazing and sad. She lies to me constantly, calls me when she's at work because that's the only time she's alone, and called to tell me about her bad day without realizing (or caring) that thanks to her, most of my days have been hard.

I should also mention that I'm PMSing this week, which certainly doesn't help things.

...and I want to backtrack really quick. For anyone who hasn't seen this Gnarles Barkley video, you should def watch it. When I listened to her voice message, this is what came to mind (sorry- you'll have to deal with the random commercial first)...

Gnarls Barkley - "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"
Uploaded by DowntownMusic. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

But as I was saying first...or maybe second, can't remember, I'd like to say thank you Ciara for giving me some great advice, and for telling me about poor little Boswick. Boswick, lol.

So today it's snowing too hard for me to do anything but stay in. When last it snowed, Adriel and I went out and took pictures, put my cat in the snow (classic moment. Not for the cat though...) then came back in and made hot cocoa )the old fashioned way, no less), and watched movies. So today, just seeing the snow is really whack. I wonder what she's doing right now, and that makes me twice as mad. So I know this is sad, but I closed all of my blinds so I couldn't see it. I feel like I'm being so pathetic, which is strange because I started out so strong... I just hope that what I'm going through is the worse before the better... And damn I hope the better comes soon.

...Wtf kind of name is Boswick?!