3-22: I have a story.

So now that I'm trying to get back on track, focus on myself, and only date if I feel that it will honestly go somewhere...for the most part, lol...I've been really digging deep and trying to figure out why I usually date people who are in many ways not what I truly want. Today I was lying in bed and I realized- though I've come a very long way, my self esteem is by no means as high as it should be. And maybe that's because I spent a lot of time dealing with people who treated me as though I wasn't worth much. Now don't get me wrong- this was perhaps as much my fault as theirs...but my intention now is not to focus on blaming someone for this; I simply want to heal and live to my full potential. I have quite a story, and the fact that I'm alive and healthy is blessing enough. Other things, like self esteem, can be gained over time.

When I was in my early to mid teens, I spent a significant amount of time away from home. ...Okay- let me correct that: I spent a significant amount of time away from home because I ran away almost as often as some people change clothes. As a result of all of this running away, I ended up in the acquaintance of some very unsavory characters. There was a time- all before my 16th birthday- when I stripped or worse so that I would have a place to sleep at night. I credit said experience for why I do not like strip clubs. Most people see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become aroused. I see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become consumed with the fact that she is severly broken, and that I'd be wrong to find pleasure in her pain. But I digress...On a certain late spring day, one of my unsavory friends introduced me to a man so that I could have sex with him in exchange for money and a place to sleep that night. So the man picked me up and we drove to a hotel near the Baltimore inner harbor. It was clear that he made it a regular practice to sleep with random women (though I pray to God that the others were at least of age), because he wasted no time with polite formalities; he simply checked in, fucked me, paid and left. After his departure, I hung out in the room watching cartoons (and not because I was young- I still love cartoons, thank you very much!) and actually felt very content; When you're not sure when you'll next have a bed to sleep in, even one night of assurance can bring a great amount of peace.

Then some time after 1AM, I woke up suddenly from the sound of loud talking just outside of my room. And as the door swung open, a naked and surprised me quickly covered myself with a sheet to see who it was. It was the man from earlier and one of his friends. When he left he had given me the hotel key, but I suppose he asked for another at the front desk. Fabulous. He reeked of weed, and he said to me with a little grin on his face, no less, "Look- either you fuck me and my friend or you gotta go so we can call some other bitches".

And so I took the true walk of shame- I tried to keep myself covered as I found my pants, shoes and shirt, and I left the room so that they could call whomever they planned to double team that night, because it sure as hell was not going to be me. I remember taking the steps instead of the elevator to buy myself a little time before being back outside, seeing as how I again had absolutely nowhere to go.

Now I don't feel the need to defend myself- I am not a lesbian because I've been hurt by men. Spend ten minutes reading my blog and you'll see that I've been hurt by women too- perhaps moreso since I actually loved the women who have hurt me. I'm simply sharing this story (and soon others) to make a point. I was literally treated like less than trash by many a person, and I have had to build myself up completely independently. Should I not have a distorted understanding of who I am? I started 15 days of solitude because I thought that writing my story down would help me heal, and it truly did. So I think the time has come to share my full story so that I can finally heal, learn, and move forward.