Okay, so before I get started, I'd like to explain to everyone just exactly what I'm doing and why. But first...I have to run to the restroom.
Ok, back. Let's get started...
Just Exactly What I'm Doing and Why:
As of last Friday, I've found myself single yet again. Now don't get me wrong- my relationship was far from perfect: she was older but not yet "out", I was younger with serious trust issues...but we'll probably get into more details about that later on. Adriel (I'll just go ahead and get her name out of the way and hope that no one she knows reads this. But then again if they do...surprise!) and I were together for about a year, which is approximately 6 years in Eastern Lesbian time. She had been my longest relationship yet- I'm just 22, so I hope this doesn't sound too pathetic. And now that it's over, I honestly feel broken. When I met Adriel, I felt that even given all of the many obstacles that we were bound to face, she was truly and definitely the one. But we had trust issues- she lied, then I cheated- twice if you must know, then she cheated and I guess decided to pursue the new girl- very common lesbian practice for those who aren't hip to the game. And that's how I ended up here, alone.
Now that I have a lot of extra time on my hands, I've been looking back at old blogs and journal entries that I've written. Luckily, most of them center around break ups since that's always when I'm most bored. After reading 3 or 4, I started to have a breakthrough... I realize now that before Adriel, there was Sheree. We were together for 7 or 8 months and ended in late November. I felt sad and broken and lost...and then I met Sam. We dated for a month and a half, but I didn't like the texture of her skin. Seriously- it was gross. so I weaned her off. Then I went through my blackberry and found some oldies but goodies whom I talked to at various intervals until the very day that I met Adriel. Before Sheree was BJ. I was her "girl on the side", and yet I stupidly allowed myself to fall for her. We dated on the side pretty successfully for about 5 months before she and her girlfriend decided to get more serious. So, I started dating Nikki, some girl I met in a club who I think only weighed 17 pounds...but she liked spending the night, so it was cool. After that, there was this stripper whose name I cannot remember to save my life. It's hard to believe, but she was too "out there" for me, so that ended. Then, I went through my blackberry and dug up some oldies but goodies to occupy my time until the day I met Sheree. So let's jump forward. Adriel and I broke up- Ok, Adriel broke up with me- on Friday. By 12AM Saturday, I had already joined Match.com, Chemistry, Tangowire, and responded to 4 Craigslist posts, and I had browsed through the trusty old 'berry and set up a date for Saturday night. Every day now I check my email at least 40 times hoping for some new connection or someone interesting to come prancing along. One of my best friends (not a lesbian, but a gay male) told me that the best way to get over someone is by lying under someone else. Though this was the first time I've ever heard anyone actually say this aloud (with pride, no less), is it not true that we all seem, or at least attempt, to do this? The moment we're single, we hunt desperately for some form of human connection in order to avoid feeling the hurt and pain that come along with being single. We search Craigslist, answering ads for people that we know don't fit our standards, we troll through local clubs, ask friends if their girlfriends have friends we can date...I mean, just admit it- we'd take any attention over none, even sinking so low as to conjure up folks from our past that we didn't like, because now that we're lonely, we like them, oh yes we do!
So tonight I'd like to stop the madness! The fact is, I'm hurt and I mean really hurt. Adriel cheating and then leaving me honestly caught me by surprise at a time when I though our relationship was finally improving. A lot of the time that I spend alone is spent crying, deleting her pictures, throwing away the shit that reminds me of her, and feverishly compiling evil plans to get her back, to make her hurt like I hurt. That is why I'm so desperate to have new friends, so I can escape that part of me, you know? So tonight I decided to dye my hair black, because I wanted my hair to be different hair than the hair that I had in our relationship. And that's when it hit me- I need some time alone. Time to regroup, to figure out what I did wrong so as to avoid making this mistake next time. I don't need to go out, or search for hotties online, I don't need to bitch to my friends anymore- it's not going to bring her back. What I need is solitude...and 15 seems like a good enough number. And so starting tomorrow, aside from work, I'm going to spend time alone. I'm going to turn off my cell phone, ignore my email (I'm really going to try!), and force myself to think this thing through. I want to be in a successful relationship one day, but I know that overlapping failed relationships with relationships is never going to get me there.
And so...are you still reading? Come with me on my journey: 15 days without reaching out to new girls, 15 days of spending time alone, 15 days of trying to make myself enough to make me happy, 15 days of hangin out in the house with my really annoying kitten who knocks things off of my night stand when I'm not looking, and drags them away to his lair 'neath the bed, never to be seen or heard from again. Most recently he did this with my inhaler. What a joy it was to discover it missing after a rigorous run! Fucking cat. But I digress... Starting tomorrow, and aside from work and this blog, I'm going to have 15 days of complete solitude, to hopefully help me find a healthier way to cope with the parts of me that are broken.
See you tomorrow evening.
i understand and really like what you are doing and would like to do something similar to this but i dont think that i am stong enough to. maybe reading your blog everyday will help me attempt to start my own 15 day process and not pick up the phone when my ex calls me or go on facebook, myspace,downelink,twitter,craigslist and many other dating sites. i have to learn to love myself and make me happy the only thing that makes my situation even harder is i work with my ex and i see her almost everyday and i keep falling back for her after she breaks up with me and picks me back up... but i love what you are doing and i can promise you that i will be here for this entir journey reading your blogs every step of the way
ReplyDeleteWow... Just yesterday I was trying to make a list of the things I was grateful for in spite of my lack of girlfriend. And the first thing that I thought of was how happy I was that I didn't have to see her every day. I've been there before, though. I used to work in a call center (that felt an awful lot like High School). I was in love with my co worker. We went on...wait, I'm lying- we never went on any dates. We spend a few weekends together though, and I was convinced that I loved her. Then she cut me off and started dating someone else. We hooked up a few more times, presumably when she was lonely, but in the end I had to give it up. So I'm no therapist, but I'll tell you that truly letting go is going to be hard, really hard. But when you're ready, you'll find it at least bearable. In the meantime, don't let anyone make you feel bad or stupid for going back to her- you'll move on when it's right for you.
ReplyDeletethis is awesome. I'm totally with it!!! Though I can't commit to 15 days, I am feeling you on this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nell! Even if you can't commit to 15 days yourself, make sure you email or comment if you need some advice or just a friend; we'll all be here to help : )
ReplyDeleteHi Brittney-Elizabeth, I love your blog! You're really strong to do this. I'm actually in a relationship now, but I'm still working on being happy with myself. My girlfriend travels about half the week for work (that can include weekends and holidays-she has an intense but very cool job), so when she's out of town, I work on being with myself. That might sound kind of funny, but I'm used to getting that fix every day. I've had one serious relationship previously. In that previous relationship, we actually considered ourselves to be a married couple (rings, "This is my wife/better half" introductions etc). It turned out my ex-wife thought she wanted to be married originally, but she wasn't ready. She was 30 years old chronologically, but developmentally and emotionally, she realized that she was still 18 and she needed more time to have fun and date less seriously. Sometimes you have to get what you want to figure out it's not what you want after all. My ex-wife and I lived together of course, and even though we were both very busy during the day with work/school/random other stuff, we always reconnected every night, and every morning we could kiss each other goodbye. I was used to getting that fix of seeing my girlfriend every day. Then after she left me, I started dating right away, so I got that fix of going out on lots of dates. Now I have a great girlfriend, but when she's out of town, I don't get that fix, and it's been hard learning to live without it. It's a work in progress and it's easy for me to get insecure. I think it's okay to date right after a failed relationship. For me the choice was pine at home and die, or get back out there and force myself to meet people. For me getting out there again was actually healthy, because it stopped me from obssessing over my ex-wife. I had to be self-aware enough not to rebound, though, so I think that's the tough part. I had opportunities to be with other people, but I knew I couldn't be more than friends with these women. I was lonely, but I knew they weren't right for me and the relationship wouldn't work out. Of course, I can't guarantee that my current relationship will work, either, but at least I know I want to be with her, and I'm not just with her out of loneliness/a broken heart. Interestingly, I'm still dealing with feelings from my marriage, even though I'm in a relationship, but I think when a relationship ends, you deal with it forever. For me, I have to be able to separate certain anxieties/thought patterns related to the end of my marriage from my new relationship. It's hard, but I'm working on it. And I'm especially working hard on just being with myself when my girlfriend is out of town. Instead of frantically making plans all the time to be with other friends, I work out (I love ballet, pilates and yoga), I focus on work and I do a lot for school (I'm a part-time grad student with a full-time job. Crazy schedule). I also clean up around my condo, which you mentioned in your blog. Funny that we both have the same coping technique! Last weekend I organized all my drawers and my closet and threw out tons of very old, unwearable stuff. Oh yeah-and I'm really into Netflix. I actually really enjoy watching movies/tv shows on DVD by myself. I still see my friends of course, but in more relaxed settings, and I'm not trying to fill up every evening. I might invite them over for dinner at my place, or drive to their house for an afternoon. I catch up with friends about once a week. I go out now and then, but I've moved far away from the partying. It's definitely hard, though. I wonder if anyone thinks it's weird to work on yourself while you're in a relationship? I think it's okay, but I'm interested to hear other people's opinions.
ReplyDeleteHi Lizsky; thanks for reading, and even better, commenting. I have to be honest, as I read this, I thought that you starting a new relationship while dealing with emotions from your last one sounded like a recipe for trouble. But then I stepped outside of my normal thought process and realized...this probably isn't so bad. If you've met someone that you're able to grow with, be happy with, and love, then I'm happy for you! Since she travels so often, it gives you the unique ability to be able to work on self improvement even while being in a relationship. I can imagine that this would be very beneficial for your parter, since the more you grow and evolve, the more your relationship evolves, too. Plus, it must be nice for her to come home to a super clean and organized home when she wasn't expecting it.
ReplyDeleteI will say this, though: I had one long term relationship prior to my girlfriend, with a man. Granted, I was in my teens so I was much younger and more naive. But we dated for nearly four years. I ran away from home at a very young age, and we lived together. I got pregnant (but didn't keep the baby), got cheated on and hung in there, and just generally went through a lot with him. But today, I don't have unresolved feelings regarding our relationship. The same goes for other relationships that I've had that were shorter- other than my most recent ex, I don't have any deep emotions or unresolved feelings that involve any past relationships. I'm saying this because I think that while you are working on self improvement, you might also keep in mind that healing and letting go of past partners is wholly possible. I know I say this a lot, but I'm not a therapist- still, if you want to talk to someone about the parts of your past that are hard to let go of, I'd be glad to listen. And if you're brave enough to post it as a comment, you might get good advice from others, too.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world with your personal growth as well as your relationship...and I hope you keep reading : )
Wow, congrats on the 15 days. I am currently single, and well I take long breaks between my relationships, to reset my expectations of myself, and my next relationship. I think this is a great thing you are doing, and I look forward to reading all your posts.
ReplyDeleteHi Brittney-Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI just saw your response to my comment! Thanks for your thoughts:) I've been catching up on your blog today and really enjoying it. If you feel like going out again, you definitely should! Don't force yourself to stay in if you think you might like a night out.
I agree, that having unresolved feelings from a previous relationship could be a recipe for trouble. One thing I've known from the start, though, is that I don't want to be with my ex-wife, because she doesn't want to be with me. I really know that my current girlfriend is great for me at this point in my life. I miss her a lot when she travels, but I knew she traveled half the week going in, and it really is forcing me to be okay without the fix. And also to be more independent! If I have a problem, I can't automatically call her, because her job involves working some crazy hours, so she might be asleep, if she has a super early morning coming up, or working with her cell phone off, which is a requirement in her job. So I definitely deal with problems more on my own now. Grad school part-time and full-time work is stressful, and I'm becoming really self-sufficient. Previously, I relied too much on my wife at the time to be my cheerleader, and now I'm trying to be my own personal cheerleader. Of course I've always been the cheerleader for all my friends, so now I need to focus that energy on me.
It's all a work in progress, though. I'm sure my current girlfriend would love coming home to a perfectly organized home, but we don't live together. I love my newly organized closets, though! It feels great:) I should move on to my car next. It's a mess. Maybe one day I'll live with my girlfriend, but I'm kind of funny about that. I don't want to live with my girlfriend unless we get married. I just don't think it would be the right choice for me. I feel like if someone wants all of me all the time, she better be willing to commit for life. And on top of that, I own my place, and I don't want to be my girlfriend's landlord, but I don't want her to co-own with me if we're not married. I'm conservative in that sense, and probably overprotective of myself. I don't want to mix finances without a marriage commitment. Other people would say that you can't know if you're totally compatible if you don't live together for a while first, and I see their point, but I feel like we know a lot about each other's habits anyway. My girlfriend has a big dog, too, and I love him, but with my schedule I couldn't look after him when she was out of town, so the current arrangement, with pet sitters, is much better. Since my place is a condo, I also don't have a yard, which big dogs really need.
It's nice to hear that all your feelings from a previous relationship can really disappear. I always feel like things stick around-like a part of me will always love my ex-wife, even though I've moved on. I don't think it affects my ability to love my girlfriend completely, though.
You've been through a lot! That's really crazy about your ex-boyfriend. I'm glad you were able to come out of it okay.
I would love to e-mail with you, but can't seem to find your e-mail address on here, although I'm pretty sure you posted it. If you re-post, I'll drop you a line some time!