Post #2- a little background history, in case you're interested.

A little background info on my ex-relationship, in case you wanted to know...

We met on Valentine's day last year- proof that sometimes, you can find a little love on CL. I remember when I first met Adriel, she wasn't exactly my type. Back then (I say this as if it were so long ago), I had some warped and sad attraction to chubby girls. Okay, fat girls. I hated seeing them naked, but I liked being the small one in the relationship. I know it's shallow, but I'm being honest here. So when I met Adriel, she was at least an inch shorter than me, and pretty small. To be honest, I didn't think she'd like me either...but even with this being said, from our very first conversation, I felt this strange settling feeling in my heart. I've tried to describe this to her to no avail, but I can't deny it- when I met Adriel, it felt like I was finally home. In that first conversation, I felt as though my heart, mind, body, and shit, perhaps even the universe, were simultaneously giving me a thumbs up. Several months later I was watching some chick flick, and a woman in the movie compared the feeling of meeting her soul mate to "stepping into a warm bath". I'd say that just about sums it up.

After the night we met, we stayed together nearly every night, and about a month in (which is like 14 months in lesbian time), we decided to be together. But Adriel still had attachments to some of her ex's, and she did some other things that seemed shady (all water under the bridge now, so I won't go into details), so I had trouble trusting her and getting her to take me seriously. Then when she finally started to see that it was safe to let her guard down with me, I started to stray, and I committed the ultimate relationship sin- I cheated on her, and not just once. But not with girls who I wanted to be with...just girls who occupied my time and paid me a compliment here and there. I felt that by having "options", I was holding the reigns of relationship, so even if Adriel cheated, did her shady shit or simply left, it would be no sweat off my back. After a few months, I started to see that Adriel had really changed, and that it might be okay to detonate the wall of stone I had built to let her in. But of course, around the time that I did this, she met someone else and started having a mini-relationship behind my back. In the end, I honestly don't know who left who- I was tired of being lied to and put on the back burner for some new girl, and...I don't know...either she had already moved on but was too guilty to say so or she- hmmm, a revelation! I guess she had already moved on but was too guilty to say so : /

I cannot tell a lie- as of today, if she knocked on my door, I'd welcome her with open arms. I miss her, and I could see the potential, even amongst all the bullshit that we put each other through. But as with any breakup, it's time to face the fact that even in the off chance that she comes back one day and we live happily ever after...from where I'm standing, it looks like she's gone. And I need to deal with this.