Okay, so now I'm seriously late for work, so this one will be pretty short...
Yesterday, day 1 of solitude, was kind of hard. I can tell that I've healed in part, because I never felt the urge to cry...
...okay, speed bump: My kitten is attacking the screen as I type! He's kind of cute : )
Anyway, I went to bed early because I just wanted some quiet time to think, but all night I was restless... My mind wandered to her, wondering what's she's doing. I live in a high rise and very close to the elevator, so every time it stops on my floor, I hear a "ding!". When we were together, I used to listen for that and know that she was almost home. The last night we spent together was after 3 days of separation. All three of those nights I kept listening for that "ding!" and hoping it was her, showing up at my door to make things right. I never heard that though, at least not on her behalf. So the morning that she left for good, I sat on my couch crying as she left, and finally I heard that "ding!"...as she was getting on the elevator to leave.
Now I find myself turning up the TV and music to avoid hearing it, but last night I wanted to hear it because guess what? People live on this fucking floor, and not all of them are Adriel. Actually, none of them are. So I faced it last night, and it was hard...but I think that as of today, I've reclaimed my "ding!". It's MY apartment and MY "ding!"- it was never hers to begin with and I'm tired of associating the two. Other good things come of that "ding!" you know! Like pizza deliveries, my niece, or the maintenance man whose coming up to unclog my toilet (that materialized fume did NOT want to go back down!). So it was hard, but I'm glad I dealt with it.
Also, I'd like to thank Melissa (if she's reading this) for emailing me last night. I was crawling deeper into my head when your email came, and it helped me to remember that I'm not in this alone. Therefore, I want to make sure that, even though I said I wouldn't check it, you all have my email address: brwilliams389@hotmail.com
If you need a friend, write me. If you need to unload some stuff, send me a message. Like I said, I'm not a therapist, but I can damn sure be a friend.
I hope you all have a wonderful day; talk to you this evening : )
Oh yeah- my goal for today is to implement all of the recovery techniques that I listed. My car is bling bling because I got it washed 2 days ago...but the inside is an embarrassment. So I'll start there. My apartment appears clean, but one peek in the closet would reveal that I'm a surefire candidate for Clean House. So that'll be goal #2. And lastly, I'm going to go look at myself in the mirror and find some nice things to say- I hope you're all going to do this too, single or otherwise.
Ok, now I really will ttyl
I know exactly what you mean. I've been there before. what am I saying...that was only like a few years ago. Just replace the "ding" of the elevator with the "ring" of a cell phone (yes, I gave her a special ring). However, unlike you, I couldn't bear it, and ended up throwing out my phone. And I did it without realizing that I had forgotten to take down my friends' numbers. Fortunately, most of the ones that I care about, I have their email addresses, otherwise, it would have been a disaster. I mean, let's face it, we live in an age where there is no physical phonebook, it's all electronic, and none of our friends has his/her number listed in the yellowpages. Ugh! Opps, I digressed...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I do find cleaning (apt, car, office, etc.) to be helpful. Singing some depressing songs with the water running down my face for ~3-5 songs also help me recover. And I do pep talk myself in the car sometimes. Believe me, we are our best cheerleaders. =)
Great post. Excellent agenda.
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