So I know it's still morning (And I have to be leaving for work in like 25 minutes, so I need to get moving...), but I wanted to post this journal entry that I wrote on January 1st, 2009. It wasn't long after my last breakup, and interestingly enough, I felt the exact same way on January 1st 2010, because my ex-girlfriend said that "God" told her she had to be at church for New Years Eve. She's a minister, which added a whole new layer of trouble to our relationship, because her congregation didn't know we were together, or even that she was gay. So going to church with her was highly uncomfortable, especially since on the few occasions that I did go, the other ministers seemed to fancy the topic of homosexuality. In retrospect, I figure that she really didn't spend the whole night at church and that she was with the new girl, but at any rate, I was left alone with my cat for New Year's, and I felt like shit. Since I'm trying to find ways to be happy alone, I thought it would be nice to think about last year's journal entry and this year's feelings (I think I wrote a journal, gotta retrieve it from my phone later on).
Here it is:
"New Years day '09...But it's not all that happy for me. I had plans to go out and party in DC last night, started planning for it 2 weeks ago. I bought a cute dress that I couldn't afford and accessories to match it, I recruited friends to go with me and everything seemed like it would go pretty well. Then just hours before I was supposed to leave my house, one of my friends called and made an excuse so she wouldn't have to go, another was MIA until almost 1AM, and the others decided to get drunk at home. So...that left just me, to sit in my house and look stupid all night. It kind of hurt, actually. Like no one wanted to be with me on New Years, everyone wanted to be with someone else. No one. No one in this entire fucking world would have opted to bring in the New Year with me...Sam...she was going to a club near my house with her friends, but I didn't want to go alone and just stand there while she hangs out with who she went with. I still can't figure out if she wanted me to come but didn't want to say it or if she really didn't want me there, but I assume that it's the latter because she said that she wasn't staying long and that she had another party to go to afterward. Renee...who the fuck knows? She's so lost...all she wants is the wrong people. She went to the same club Sam went to, but I'm sure she went with someone she's dating because she called me from the bathroom and had to get off the phone after less than a minute. Who am I that people treat me with such disregard? I keep wondering it the day will ever come when I am happy. I know that happiness comes from within, but how can I be positive when there's nothing around me to smile about? I hate my job, I hate my love life, my friends are quite possible the worst friends any friend could have, I'm broke and struggling, and worst of all, I just realized that to everyone I know, I'm a last resort. When they have nothing better to do, I'm thought of. So what did I do to celebrate the New Year? I sat in bed and cried, then took a sleeping pill and passed out. Happy Fucking New Year."
I honestly can't figure it out...what keeps me from being happy alone?
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI went to sleep last night after reading your last posting, and I woke up this morning and the only reason that made me get out of bed was the thought that you might had posted something... I'm really sad... I had some voice notes on my phone, I not always like to write so I record myself(maybe weird but it feels the same to me!) so I heard some of the notes from june of 2009. I was just as miserable... wondering why she would leave me... I felt so angry going to bed, realizing that it has been sooo long since I've been her light switch that she turns on and off at her own will... But what about me? Im a person too, I need to feel happy, I need to feel loved... I'm really not the girl that dates around and I don't always make myself noticeable so its harder to meet people... But you are right if I don't love myself, who am I going to love? or even better who's going to love me? but its still really hard and I dont seem to want to do anything and all I want is to sleep so I don't face my day... But I'm getting motivated by your postings and I encourage you to keep up with it, youre not only helping yourself but me as well... Thank you!!!
Thank you Catalina- writing has helped, but just knowing that I'm not going through this alone has been so uplifting. I'm really sorry to hear about your break up, but I'm proud of you for having the strength to stick to being single when enough was enough. And as for not making yourself noticeable- I too am very shy. I have in fact never walked up to anyone that I was interested in, and I assume that I've missed out on a few good people because of it. But don't feel bad- maybe together we can work on getting past that fear. When more people start reading the blog I'll put the question out there in your honor, so that maybe we can come up when some swanky pick up lines : )
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, just know that you're not alone in this...we'll get through this.
reading your blog kinda makes me wonder if love is worth it...I dont deal well with pain and seeing how other react to love is not so encouraging....
ReplyDeleteWow. I don't know where to start. First of all, quit allowing yourself to be your friends' last resort. Even if you have to opt to do nothing, do it to prove to yourself that you're worth more than that. You do have to be happy with yourself in order to be happy with someone else. You're an attractive young lady. I wish I could have rescued you on that New Years Eve night. :-) You'll be ok, just give it some time.
ReplyDeleteI've been exactly where you are....but it's a double whammy for me, New Years Eve is my birthday. So I always feel double shitty when no one wants to spend that time with me. What FoodDee said is so true, no one should ever allow themselves to be someone's last resort. Now if only I too could listen to that advice. For so long I let people walk all over me because I believe that having shitty friends is better than having none at all. I'm still looking for a way to get over that belief and find some real friends.
ReplyDeleteMind over matter: I really don't want to discourage you : ( When it's real, I think love is a beautiful thing! This blog isn't about loving others, though; it's about getting beyond the hurt caused by break ups, and finally learning to love myself. One of these days, I'll hopefully meet the person who I'll spend the remainder of my days with. And though I don't expect them to be perfect, I know that I'll never be at this point again. Anyways, I hope you keep reading! I expect that things will get better as I go along.
ReplyDeleteFooDee: Flirting, are we? lol
You're very right- Since that day, I've stopped making myself so available to my friends. If they want to hang out, then cool. If they don't want to hang out, that's cool, too. This New Year's was a little different since it was my ex-girlfriend we're talking about. But the next person I date hopefully won't be leaving me alone on New Years Eve if she sees that it's important to me to spend it together.
Majikat: Happy Belated Birthday : ) Man, I shouldn't started a blog so long ago! I thought I was the only one who thought that shitty friends were better than none. Then again, I've also learned that a lot of my friends aren't shitty, per se; they just have their own lives and relationships and children and parents, and of course, none of them are perfect. I guess it's true that everyone you love will hurt you at some point (except God, if you believe in Him.). It's your job to sort through it to find what's worth salvaging. But if you have legitimatly shitty ass friends, just remember that even though we've never met, you can always come here and find a friend or two.
Have a beautiful day, you guys : )