#13

Okay, so after having a rough day yesterday, I finally realized something. There is no secret to getting over someone. There's no formula that makes it happen faster (although I can think of at least a dozen ways to slow it down), there's no piece of advice, friendly hug, or self help book that will miraculously cure you of a broken heart. Now don't get me wrong- all of these things certainly play a role in what you take away from the break up. But at the end of the day, the only thing that will make you feel better after a painful break up is...time. And there's nothing you can do to control that. Some people suppress their feelings, and others, many many others, jump into new relationships to avoid feeling the pain. But since I don't want to do those things, I'll just have to find healthy ways to deal with the time that it will take to heal. Which, I guess, is what I've been doing...so maybe this wasn't much of a revelation after all. Sure I had some tough moments yesterday (and plenty of other days), but when I think back to two weeks ago, I've really come quite a long way. Then I wanted to sit alone and cry all day, but now I'm more interested in finding out what lies on the other side of all this hurt. And hey- that's a step in the right direction!

Now that I'm single, and on my way to healing, I've decided that I'm going to do something new- I'm going to surprise myself. I'm going to start working on all those things I've been afraid to do, like work on growing my personal business -www.thewritelook.net - take a look : ) ...start running again, and actually stick to it. I mean, I've been wanting to lose weight for quite some time now. Lately I've been eating better, but I'm still not working out. I've lived in my apartment for four months now, and there's a free 24 hour gym in the building. Yet I've only been there twice. TWICE! And I mean, shit- I have all this spare time on my hands, I might as well go for a run. I still can't find my inhaler (damn cat...), but I'm going to take a chance anyway. Maybe I've just been using that as an excuse anyhow. Also, I'm going to find a charity and volunteer. And I'm going to...okay, that's probably enough for now actually, lol.

I mean, I know that these next few weeks, and maybe even months (though I hope not) will be different and hard at times, but being single can also offer great opportunity for self improvement. So that's what I'm going to work on. What's most important though, if anyone else is out to do the same, is that you do this for yourself. Don't hope to lose 20 pounds so your ex can be jealous. Don't plan to grow your business so...your ex can be jealous, lol. Do things for yourself. And in doing so, you learn to appreciate yourself, love yourself.

So that's my goal. I'm not perfect. I might cry a few more times...but I'm still going to take the time to learn to love myself.

So...that's it!

#12

I haven't written in a few days...because I've been really struggling, and I would hate to bring anyone else down whose doing better. Seems like every day that I don't talk to her, I feel even worse. She called me a few times, but I've been at least strong enough to not respond or answer her calls. Yesterday, for instance, she called and left a message saying that she didn't call to harrass me about "us", but she's having a really bad day and she feels like I'm the only one she can talk to. The translation according to the breakup dictionary is: "I still do not want you, so don't get your hopes up. But I still want to string you along, and I have things to talk about that I don't want to bother the new girl with".

That being said, I know that if I answer the phone or agree to see her, the way I feel now will only be amplified, and the healing process will have to start over again. My friends say this is normal, that it gets worse before it gets better... But damn, you guys- I feel like shit. I went out last night and the night before. Both times I told my friends that I'd be right back...then I snuck out of the club and sat in my car, or in Thursday's case, went home. Yesterday I met a really cool girl who sat in my car and talked to me for nearly three hours. She said two things that really helped: 1. She told me about her mother's sick dying cat named Boswick, who pees on himself because he can't make it to the litter box, has bald spots, and whom she accidentally ran over and now his tail doesn't work correctly. It shouldn't be funny...but it kind of is- especially since his name is Boswick, bless his heart. And 2. She said- if what we had was real, would I ever have to question that she loves me?
So, I guess she's right...I shouldn't have to wonder. And honestly, the fact that I do wonder is both amazing and sad. She lies to me constantly, calls me when she's at work because that's the only time she's alone, and called to tell me about her bad day without realizing (or caring) that thanks to her, most of my days have been hard.

I should also mention that I'm PMSing this week, which certainly doesn't help things.

...and I want to backtrack really quick. For anyone who hasn't seen this Gnarles Barkley video, you should def watch it. When I listened to her voice message, this is what came to mind (sorry- you'll have to deal with the random commercial first)...

Gnarls Barkley - "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"
Uploaded by DowntownMusic. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

But as I was saying first...or maybe second, can't remember, I'd like to say thank you Ciara for giving me some great advice, and for telling me about poor little Boswick. Boswick, lol.

So today it's snowing too hard for me to do anything but stay in. When last it snowed, Adriel and I went out and took pictures, put my cat in the snow (classic moment. Not for the cat though...) then came back in and made hot cocoa )the old fashioned way, no less), and watched movies. So today, just seeing the snow is really whack. I wonder what she's doing right now, and that makes me twice as mad. So I know this is sad, but I closed all of my blinds so I couldn't see it. I feel like I'm being so pathetic, which is strange because I started out so strong... I just hope that what I'm going through is the worse before the better... And damn I hope the better comes soon.

...Wtf kind of name is Boswick?!

#11: we'll see...

So I know that I skipped yesterday (I'm sorry!), but I wanted to write a quick blog today. This morning, I woke up to my phone ringing like 15 minutes before my alarm went off. Don't you hate that? Even if you ignore it, there's no possible way to go back to sleep. ...Anyways, it was my best friend calling to ask if I wanted to go out tonight. All day I juggled with it, and finally I've decided that I'm going to go. That means that in less than 15 minutes, I'll be on my way to happy hour, out in public. And shit! All of a sudden I'm getting cold feet. You know...I don't know. I'm not going to say anything else until I get back, which will probably be around midnight. And I'll write again then to tell you how it goes...

Wish me luck : )

#10 - Break up recovery

Hey all : )

Soooo...today I really need advice. I'm starting to miss being out. Now by this I don't mean out of the closet, 'cause honey, I've been out and proud for years! I mean that I miss being out in the world, having fun, flirting, going out dancing! ...okay, I've always been too shy to flirt : / But I miss looking at people that I would flirt with if I weren't so shy! And actually, I can't dance...I have less rhythm than a blind orangutan. But I'm an expert at standing against the wall, yes I am! So today I'm trying to figure out...is there a set time when it is okay to rejoin humanity as a normal person who just so happens to be single? One of my friends broke up with her boyfriend recently, and about a month later she told me that she felt like he broke her. I also felt very broken after my relationship ended...but currently, I'm feeling unexpectedly, well, renewed. I'd say that it has a lot to do with being with 1. speding time alone, and 2. getting closuer. I cleaned my house and my car, got my hair done- Oh yeah, speedbump. I didn't tell you that after I dyed my hair black, it sort of looked like I dyed it, then stuck my hand in a live electrical socket. ...so I had to make an Emergency hair appointment to get it fixed. But I'm looking good again : )

...anyways, I got my hair done, I bonded with my cat- he's still a mischevious little fucker. But before, I felt like he was more my ex's cat than mine because I didn't really understand why he did the things he did. But now, we're hanging out together all day like besties! ...for the most part. After all of that, I took a look at my life as just Brittney-Elizabeth and began to feel a sense of normalcy, and you know, I even think it's quite nice, even without Adriel. Perhaps especially without her. I definitely found closure the last time I spoke with her. Being alone was so hard because I used to feel like she was so perfect and I was a fuck up, and in losing her I'd lost the best thing I'll ever have. But after our most recent encounter I see her for who she truly is, and I realize that I actually didn't lose much at all. So now I'm excited to get back out there! I don't think I'm quite ready to go on a proper date, but I totally want to see and be seen. Put simply- I want to party a little! Why should my life stop for someone whose life hasn't in the least stopped for me? So I want to know; do I sound delusional, or do you guys think it's okay for me to maybe start living a little?

One more little thing

This is hilarious! If you need a laugh, watch this.

If you'd rather type it in yourself, go to youtube.com, then search "not jackie chan game:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9UY1ATkh74

# 9 - day 12 of solitude- some revelations

Okay, first off I'd like to say... This morning I was listening to the playlist and It's great! Thanks to everyone who added to it : )

Okay, so here's what I realized today. I wanted to spend 15 days in complete solitude...aside from work, of course. I wanted to take the time to have a lot of quiet time and work this thing out. But now that I'm a few days into it, I realize that where it's okay to have solitude, it's definitely not okay to have 15 days of silence. My friends, at least the good ones, are a very integral part of moving on. They're always here to talk to me, make me laugh, and make me feel like "Hey shit- maybe I'm a decent person after all". Sitting in silence can lead to groveling in self pity. Now don't get me wrong- it is important to spend time alone, and it's especially important to not jump into dating a slew of people, but your friends? That's your support system. The good ones, anyway. I mean, take this blog for example. The morning after my first posts, I woke up to emails from people who could relate to what I was going through, and people had already started reading this blog. So healing has been a great process for me, not because I've been alone, but because I had the support of all of you. But not just that- I was able to lend support to others. So...that's that. I will certainly still spend 15 days in complete solitude, not attempting to make new romantic connections. I will also not seek new friendships by posting ads on CL for friendship- every lesbian who does this (me included) is secretly looking for more and we know we are! But I will cherish the friendships that I've made with people who can relate, and I will certainly cherish the companionship that my friends have offered.

That being said, I'd like to share with you a little advice that my friend Carlos gave me last night. As I said, I talked to my ex yesterday, and for just a moment I allowed her to pull me with her "I love you's" and "It's miserable living without you's". Not two hours later she was with her new friend again, and I was once again looking and feeling like an asshole. I didn't get it- I called her yesterday about a bill that she's to be paying, I wasn't emotional or sappy- I was strictly business. Now I'm not going to sit here and pretend that one week after the break up- voila! I'm magically over it. But I will say that I'd found healthy ways to cope and felt fine with never being involved with her again. So why she would pull me back in...I really didn't understand.

Then I talked to my Carlos (Yes, that's right- MY Carlos, lol). And he told me that this is what people do during break ups- they pull the other person back in so that they can have control, and seek comfort in knowing that if they're ever having a bad day, you'll still be around to have sex with, er, comfort them. She may have no real interest in truly dating me again- okay she has no interest in dating me again- she just wants to know that if she ever wanted to, I'd still be there at her feet.

Thank you Carlos! I'm an Aries and therefore need some form of control. I certainly am no ones lady in waiting. That alone was enough to push me back into reality.

Second thing he said: Break ups are like dieting. You do really well for a little while, eating all your little fruits and vegetables faithfully, but then one day, your old bestie the jelly filled donut fills you with desire. You try to fight it, you want to avoid it, and dammit you know it's wrong! But you eat that thing anyway. Then you figure you've blown your diet, so you keep on eating donuts and other bad things. But there is another option. You can realize that you slipped up, but also realize that one slip up does not a diet destroy. So though you ate the wrong thing, you can just simply go back to doing the right thing and try harder to stay on the right track. Adriel was that donut. But the diet is still on, baby!

And lastly...If you had to have your finger chopped off, would you rather it be done with a machete, and done in 1 second, or severed off with a butter knife, a process that would take three days? Same goes with your relationship- once the lies start pouring in, it's time to acknowledge that it's over. Whether you end it swiftly or slowly, it's still going to hurt. But the faster you let it go, the faster you can begin to heal...and the cleaner the cut.

And lastly, from my very own advice vault- I realize now that what hurts most about being single is well, being single. It's not really Adriel that I miss...it's coming home to someone every day, the companionship, having someone to do fun things with, not having to hunt for sex, and knowing that when sex happens, it's going to be good. Okay, so I've never actually hunted for sex, but you get the point. I saw red flags very early on, but chose to ignore them. And yes, I fell deeply in love, but had I taken heed to the warning signs- things like going away with your ex for a week to a resort, less than a month into our relationship, and swearing to me that you're not sleeping with her. You know, little hints like that... you could seriously avoid disaster. So next time- heed the warnings! It's okay to be alone, and it should certainly be better than being mistreated.

So, that's it for now. I'm going with my best friend to a Disney Audition for her son. Wish us luck : )

#8 - trouble...

I talked to my ex today. Since I started my 15 days, I've been feeling so much better. But talking to her, being sucked back into her bullshit, did admittedly deflate me. Still, I thank God for 1. Those really good friends who are always there for me when I need them most, and 2. For the ability to see within one conversation, that trying to talk to her again would be disastrous. And so, I hope you can all accept that I'm far from perfect and forgive me for talking to her... But I can see so clearly now that there are many good things to come of being free of her, and only misery should I go back. I want to give you more details, but I'd like to take some time to think about all this myself. So I'm sorry for my lack of convo today...but I'll be back tomorrow as soon as I'm out of bed. Which will probably be in the afternoon since it's 1:30am here already.

I really hope that you all had a successful day : )

Good night

#7: A living playlist. Enjoy!

Happy Thursday night : )




Okay so yesterday I gave you a list of some good healing songs...but today I've decided to actually post a living playlist. It's designed in two parts: part 1 is "keep me dancing so that my mind stays occupied and happy" songs, and part 2 is "Ha! I didn't need that relationship to begin with!" music.




Ok, so you get that part. But you might be wondering...why is it a living playlist?




Well, that's because I've called it the "15 days of solitude" playlist, and I thought it would be cool if everyone who wants to could add their own music to it. All you have to do is go to playlist.com, enter the username and pass, and add your favorite upbeat or motivating song. It will then automatically populate on the blog. So here's the info:




Username: 15daysofsolitude@gmail.com


Pass: t0gether <-- the "0" in t0gether is a zero




Okay, so...happy adding : )

#6- Good morning

Okay, so now I'm seriously late for work, so this one will be pretty short...
Yesterday, day 1 of solitude, was kind of hard. I can tell that I've healed in part, because I never felt the urge to cry...

...okay, speed bump: My kitten is attacking the screen as I type! He's kind of cute : )

Anyway, I went to bed early because I just wanted some quiet time to think, but all night I was restless... My mind wandered to her, wondering what's she's doing. I live in a high rise and very close to the elevator, so every time it stops on my floor, I hear a "ding!". When we were together, I used to listen for that and know that she was almost home. The last night we spent together was after 3 days of separation. All three of those nights I kept listening for that "ding!" and hoping it was her, showing up at my door to make things right. I never heard that though, at least not on her behalf. So the morning that she left for good, I sat on my couch crying as she left, and finally I heard that "ding!"...as she was getting on the elevator to leave.

Now I find myself turning up the TV and music to avoid hearing it, but last night I wanted to hear it because guess what? People live on this fucking floor, and not all of them are Adriel. Actually, none of them are. So I faced it last night, and it was hard...but I think that as of today, I've reclaimed my "ding!". It's MY apartment and MY "ding!"- it was never hers to begin with and I'm tired of associating the two. Other good things come of that "ding!" you know! Like pizza deliveries, my niece, or the maintenance man whose coming up to unclog my toilet (that materialized fume did NOT want to go back down!). So it was hard, but I'm glad I dealt with it.

Also, I'd like to thank Melissa (if she's reading this) for emailing me last night. I was crawling deeper into my head when your email came, and it helped me to remember that I'm not in this alone. Therefore, I want to make sure that, even though I said I wouldn't check it, you all have my email address: brwilliams389@hotmail.com

If you need a friend, write me. If you need to unload some stuff, send me a message. Like I said, I'm not a therapist, but I can damn sure be a friend.

I hope you all have a wonderful day; talk to you this evening : )

Oh yeah- my goal for today is to implement all of the recovery techniques that I listed. My car is bling bling because I got it washed 2 days ago...but the inside is an embarrassment. So I'll start there. My apartment appears clean, but one peek in the closet would reveal that I'm a surefire candidate for Clean House. So that'll be goal #2. And lastly, I'm going to go look at myself in the mirror and find some nice things to say- I hope you're all going to do this too, single or otherwise.

Ok, now I really will ttyl

#5- Great pick-me-up songs and a few other things

First off, I just want to say- thank you all for keeping up with me so far! I know that this is only officially day one, but the comments and emails that I've gotten have shown me that I really wasn't alone. With that, I'd like to say- please comment! We can all help each other by sharing our stories.

Ok, now on with it. If any of you are like me (which is honestly probably not the case, because I'm a little on the strange side), then when you became single, you searched the old 'net for good break up songs and tips for coping with break ups. Whether you did or didn't, I don't want to slam a dry ass generic list of breakup tips on you, because you could find that anywhere. But there are a few things that have helped me that I want to share. If you want to add anything- please comment! I'd love to hear more...

What will it take for me to love me?
This morning, I said that I'd spend the day trying to figure out what it's going to take to finally be happy with just me. Besides masturbation. Okay, I didn't say that, but I mean, a great solo orgasm really does make me happy for a few. Anyways, I really did think it over, and though I haven't yet implemented most of this, I'd like to share with you what I came up with so far...

- Forgive me. This sounds crazy, but the minute I got dumped I started obsessing over all of the things that I did that probably caused this. Truth is, whether I was a perfect angel or a piece of crap girlfriend, there's no way to really know whether or not she would've eventually left me or cheated. So I need to forgive myself, stop obsessing, and try to keep moving forward.

- Find 5 (at least) positive thing to say while looking in the mirror...and believe it. Okay; I'm warning you now that this is about to be a Dr. Phil moment, but I hope you'll try to take it seriously. Ladies (and gents), let's face it- we're really amazing. In fact, I daresay that we're fucking amazing. So things didn't work out with one person. All that means is that we're one step closer to being with the right person, if that's what is meant to be. So starting right now- I'm so serious, because I'll know if you don't do this - get up, look in the mirror, and compliment yourself on 5 things. If you have a nice butt- say it to you. Is your smile beautiful? Do you have eyes as deep as the sea? Say it! You're so allowed to love yourself, and since you're fucking amazing, you really should. * Ending Dr. Phil moment *

- Take pride in your belongings. The moment my ex left, I embarked upon a journey to make my apartment as filthy as humanly possible. Not purposely, of course. But I came home, undressed at the front door on in the hallway, and left things where they fell. I ate dinner and left dishes where ever they felt like being. My cat became an alcoholic, drinking the remnants of wine glass after wine glass that I left sitting around for him. That's probably why he's such an asshead... I was so bad that I only flushed the toilet when the funk fumes materialized and started watching TV while I was at work, thus running up the electricity bill. And my car? You don't even wanna know what was going on in there... But you know, one way to automatically improve your mood is to come home to a clean house, or walk out of your office to find your sparkling, freshly waxed car. It makes you feel like at least parts of your life are in order, you know? So clean up! ...and this is off topic, but I know some of you aren't eating. EAT!

Okay, so that's all that I have for now. But if you'd like to add things that you do to the list, feel free...

Next topic...

Great songs to make you feel better:
I listen to a lot of music, but after a break up, my tastes switch to primarily alternative and pop. Therefore, my list is a little one-sided on the genre scale. So if you have anything that you'd like to add to the list, you know what to do. ...but I'll say it anyway- COMMENT!

- "Song for the dumped", by Ben Folds. This song isn't going to help you think positive thoughts about your ex, but you might just feel liberated
- "That's the way it is" by Celine Dion. I'm listening to this one right now. This song is great after a break up.
- "Your fractured life" by Air Traffic. It's slow and might make you cry, but the words are so inspirational: "You've got the strength within, don't give up there's so much more to see, So many things beyond your wildest dreams, Nothing can stop if you just believe...Please don't let me down." Yep- this is a truly great song. Now that you're part of my 15 days, I hope you never feel alone, but if you do anyway, listen to that song.
- "Go your own way" by Fleetwood Mac. I don't know, it's just a great song. Any Rock Band players? So great to sing this song on Rock Band...
- "You Gotta Be" by Desiree. The ultimate chick anthem, and...it's not Alt or pop!

So I'm going to leave it there for now...but add to it if you have a good one.

And one last thing...

Adriel and I did everything together- family functions, vacations, even work sometimes. When we broke up, I tried to clear my life of everything that she'd touched. Now I see that that's impossible... So what I urge you to do as I also try to do it, is to claim your memories! During those good times, your ex wasn't the only one there. What about your family, your other friends, and oh yeah- yourself? Don't let your ex rob you of all good memories that took place during a block of your life. Claim them! How will you do that? Umm..I honestly don't know yet. We'll have to work on that together.

It's only 6:30 in Bmore, so I'm sure I'll be back, but I just heard that True blood is on demand, so I'm going to go watch a few episodes. ttyl : )

#4- Okay, I lied.

So I know it's still morning (And I have to be leaving for work in like 25 minutes, so I need to get moving...), but I wanted to post this journal entry that I wrote on January 1st, 2009. It wasn't long after my last breakup, and interestingly enough, I felt the exact same way on January 1st 2010, because my ex-girlfriend said that "God" told her she had to be at church for New Years Eve. She's a minister, which added a whole new layer of trouble to our relationship, because her congregation didn't know we were together, or even that she was gay. So going to church with her was highly uncomfortable, especially since on the few occasions that I did go, the other ministers seemed to fancy the topic of homosexuality. In retrospect, I figure that she really didn't spend the whole night at church and that she was with the new girl, but at any rate, I was left alone with my cat for New Year's, and I felt like shit. Since I'm trying to find ways to be happy alone, I thought it would be nice to think about last year's journal entry and this year's feelings (I think I wrote a journal, gotta retrieve it from my phone later on).

Here it is:

"New Years day '09...But it's not all that happy for me. I had plans to go out and party in DC last night, started planning for it 2 weeks ago. I bought a cute dress that I couldn't afford and accessories to match it, I recruited friends to go with me and everything seemed like it would go pretty well. Then just hours before I was supposed to leave my house, one of my friends called and made an excuse so she wouldn't have to go, another was MIA until almost 1AM, and the others decided to get drunk at home. So...that left just me, to sit in my house and look stupid all night. It kind of hurt, actually. Like no one wanted to be with me on New Years, everyone wanted to be with someone else. No one. No one in this entire fucking world would have opted to bring in the New Year with me...Sam...she was going to a club near my house with her friends, but I didn't want to go alone and just stand there while she hangs out with who she went with. I still can't figure out if she wanted me to come but didn't want to say it or if she really didn't want me there, but I assume that it's the latter because she said that she wasn't staying long and that she had another party to go to afterward. Renee...who the fuck knows? She's so lost...all she wants is the wrong people. She went to the same club Sam went to, but I'm sure she went with someone she's dating because she called me from the bathroom and had to get off the phone after less than a minute. Who am I that people treat me with such disregard? I keep wondering it the day will ever come when I am happy. I know that happiness comes from within, but how can I be positive when there's nothing around me to smile about? I hate my job, I hate my love life, my friends are quite possible the worst friends any friend could have, I'm broke and struggling, and worst of all, I just realized that to everyone I know, I'm a last resort. When they have nothing better to do, I'm thought of. So what did I do to celebrate the New Year? I sat in bed and cried, then took a sleeping pill and passed out. Happy Fucking New Year."

I honestly can't figure it out...what keeps me from being happy alone?

#3- Wednesday morning

So I know I said I'd be back tonight, but when I woke up this morning, I had a sudden urge to listen to Kansas: Carry on my wayward son. Random, I know...but since I was in front of my PC, I figured I write a quick blog. Good morning : )

Since my blackberry is also my alarm clock, it turned on this morning. I had 2 or 3 text messages, so I responded to them all in the same way: "I'm going to be MIA for a while, so if you want me, read the blog". Then I turned my phone off. I'm thinking about considering yesterday as actual day one instead of the day before day one, because I did spend it in solitude...mostly. I was supposed to have overnight company, but when she called to tell me she was on her way, she could tell I had been crying. You know, I learned this little tip recently- if you are indeed interested in someone else, it's never a good idea to harp about your ex. But this is me we're talking about, so that's exactly what I did. When I was done, her tone changed and it was clear that during my 10 minute tirade, she had been texting her other prospects to make new plans for the evening. See? This is precisely why I need time alone, to sort this stuff out...

Tonight I think I'm going to the movies (by myself, of course). I don't know if you'd consider this a cop out, as I can't possibly think about things while watching a movie. But I actually think going on a date alone is extremely brave and might help me to see that being single isn't so bad after all. Then of course, it might have a totally adverse effect and make me feel like a complete loser. Guess I'll just have to wait and see...

At any rate, my goal for today is to figure out what it's going to take for me to be happy alone. I always feel that when no one wants to be around me or hang out with me, or have sex with me, that I'm alone and no one loves me. This is probably my biggest problem in every relationship I've had. So I'm hoping that by the end of the day, I can come up with some solution to start loving me for me. So...this time, I really will talk to you this evening.

Post #2- a little background history, in case you're interested.

A little background info on my ex-relationship, in case you wanted to know...

We met on Valentine's day last year- proof that sometimes, you can find a little love on CL. I remember when I first met Adriel, she wasn't exactly my type. Back then (I say this as if it were so long ago), I had some warped and sad attraction to chubby girls. Okay, fat girls. I hated seeing them naked, but I liked being the small one in the relationship. I know it's shallow, but I'm being honest here. So when I met Adriel, she was at least an inch shorter than me, and pretty small. To be honest, I didn't think she'd like me either...but even with this being said, from our very first conversation, I felt this strange settling feeling in my heart. I've tried to describe this to her to no avail, but I can't deny it- when I met Adriel, it felt like I was finally home. In that first conversation, I felt as though my heart, mind, body, and shit, perhaps even the universe, were simultaneously giving me a thumbs up. Several months later I was watching some chick flick, and a woman in the movie compared the feeling of meeting her soul mate to "stepping into a warm bath". I'd say that just about sums it up.

After the night we met, we stayed together nearly every night, and about a month in (which is like 14 months in lesbian time), we decided to be together. But Adriel still had attachments to some of her ex's, and she did some other things that seemed shady (all water under the bridge now, so I won't go into details), so I had trouble trusting her and getting her to take me seriously. Then when she finally started to see that it was safe to let her guard down with me, I started to stray, and I committed the ultimate relationship sin- I cheated on her, and not just once. But not with girls who I wanted to be with...just girls who occupied my time and paid me a compliment here and there. I felt that by having "options", I was holding the reigns of relationship, so even if Adriel cheated, did her shady shit or simply left, it would be no sweat off my back. After a few months, I started to see that Adriel had really changed, and that it might be okay to detonate the wall of stone I had built to let her in. But of course, around the time that I did this, she met someone else and started having a mini-relationship behind my back. In the end, I honestly don't know who left who- I was tired of being lied to and put on the back burner for some new girl, and...I don't know...either she had already moved on but was too guilty to say so or she- hmmm, a revelation! I guess she had already moved on but was too guilty to say so : /

I cannot tell a lie- as of today, if she knocked on my door, I'd welcome her with open arms. I miss her, and I could see the potential, even amongst all the bullshit that we put each other through. But as with any breakup, it's time to face the fact that even in the off chance that she comes back one day and we live happily ever after...from where I'm standing, it looks like she's gone. And I need to deal with this.

Post #1: The day before day 1- an explanation

Okay, so before I get started, I'd like to explain to everyone just exactly what I'm doing and why. But first...I have to run to the restroom.

Ok, back. Let's get started...

Just Exactly What I'm Doing and Why:
As of last Friday, I've found myself single yet again. Now don't get me wrong- my relationship was far from perfect: she was older but not yet "out", I was younger with serious trust issues...but we'll probably get into more details about that later on. Adriel (I'll just go ahead and get her name out of the way and hope that no one she knows reads this. But then again if they do...surprise!) and I were together for about a year, which is approximately 6 years in Eastern Lesbian time. She had been my longest relationship yet- I'm just 22, so I hope this doesn't sound too pathetic. And now that it's over, I honestly feel broken. When I met Adriel, I felt that even given all of the many obstacles that we were bound to face, she was truly and definitely the one. But we had trust issues- she lied, then I cheated- twice if you must know, then she cheated and I guess decided to pursue the new girl- very common lesbian practice for those who aren't hip to the game. And that's how I ended up here, alone.
Now that I have a lot of extra time on my hands, I've been looking back at old blogs and journal entries that I've written. Luckily, most of them center around break ups since that's always when I'm most bored. After reading 3 or 4, I started to have a breakthrough... I realize now that before Adriel, there was Sheree. We were together for 7 or 8 months and ended in late November. I felt sad and broken and lost...and then I met Sam. We dated for a month and a half, but I didn't like the texture of her skin. Seriously- it was gross. so I weaned her off. Then I went through my blackberry and found some oldies but goodies whom I talked to at various intervals until the very day that I met Adriel. Before Sheree was BJ. I was her "girl on the side", and yet I stupidly allowed myself to fall for her. We dated on the side pretty successfully for about 5 months before she and her girlfriend decided to get more serious. So, I started dating Nikki, some girl I met in a club who I think only weighed 17 pounds...but she liked spending the night, so it was cool. After that, there was this stripper whose name I cannot remember to save my life. It's hard to believe, but she was too "out there" for me, so that ended. Then, I went through my blackberry and dug up some oldies but goodies to occupy my time until the day I met Sheree. So let's jump forward. Adriel and I broke up- Ok, Adriel broke up with me- on Friday. By 12AM Saturday, I had already joined Match.com, Chemistry, Tangowire, and responded to 4 Craigslist posts, and I had browsed through the trusty old 'berry and set up a date for Saturday night. Every day now I check my email at least 40 times hoping for some new connection or someone interesting to come prancing along. One of my best friends (not a lesbian, but a gay male) told me that the best way to get over someone is by lying under someone else. Though this was the first time I've ever heard anyone actually say this aloud (with pride, no less), is it not true that we all seem, or at least attempt, to do this? The moment we're single, we hunt desperately for some form of human connection in order to avoid feeling the hurt and pain that come along with being single. We search Craigslist, answering ads for people that we know don't fit our standards, we troll through local clubs, ask friends if their girlfriends have friends we can date...I mean, just admit it- we'd take any attention over none, even sinking so low as to conjure up folks from our past that we didn't like, because now that we're lonely, we like them, oh yes we do!
So tonight I'd like to stop the madness! The fact is, I'm hurt and I mean really hurt. Adriel cheating and then leaving me honestly caught me by surprise at a time when I though our relationship was finally improving. A lot of the time that I spend alone is spent crying, deleting her pictures, throwing away the shit that reminds me of her, and feverishly compiling evil plans to get her back, to make her hurt like I hurt. That is why I'm so desperate to have new friends, so I can escape that part of me, you know? So tonight I decided to dye my hair black, because I wanted my hair to be different hair than the hair that I had in our relationship. And that's when it hit me- I need some time alone. Time to regroup, to figure out what I did wrong so as to avoid making this mistake next time. I don't need to go out, or search for hotties online, I don't need to bitch to my friends anymore- it's not going to bring her back. What I need is solitude...and 15 seems like a good enough number. And so starting tomorrow, aside from work, I'm going to spend time alone. I'm going to turn off my cell phone, ignore my email (I'm really going to try!), and force myself to think this thing through. I want to be in a successful relationship one day, but I know that overlapping failed relationships with relationships is never going to get me there.

And so...are you still reading? Come with me on my journey: 15 days without reaching out to new girls, 15 days of spending time alone, 15 days of trying to make myself enough to make me happy, 15 days of hangin out in the house with my really annoying kitten who knocks things off of my night stand when I'm not looking, and drags them away to his lair 'neath the bed, never to be seen or heard from again. Most recently he did this with my inhaler. What a joy it was to discover it missing after a rigorous run! Fucking cat. But I digress... Starting tomorrow, and aside from work and this blog, I'm going to have 15 days of complete solitude, to hopefully help me find a healthier way to cope with the parts of me that are broken.

See you tomorrow evening.