2-23...Sex, Hope, and a Baby

Okay, let's try this again...

This last week has been pretty interesting for me in many ways. And as stated, my master plan seems to be changing slightly...but I'll get to that later, possibly much later. Because I'm currently in denial about it. So I'll get on with today's blog.

Sex:

Last weekend I hung out with a friend. Before she arrived I was nervous that things would be awkward or worse, uninteresting. But in the end, we had an absolutely great time. She came over on Friday when I got off of work; we watched movies, drank a new wine that I found (at least new to me), talked for hours, laughed at youtube videos (no date is complete without this!), and yes- we had absolutely great sex. I assumed that when next I had sex, it would be rebound sex. But last weekend proved that sex isn't at all about getting over her; it's about me. ...and whoever the other party is. If there is one.
It is now Tuesday, and I still can't get my weekend with her out of my mind. And not just the sex, mind you; I keep thinking about the connection I felt with her, and how nice it was to fall asleep with her holding me... Now this does not mean that I'm all of a sudden in love. I still appreciate singledom and I feel that there's a lot that I need to do before falling into a relationship again. Aaaand also, I'm a little torn because I've unexpectedly started to develop feelings for someone else, too. But alas; to discuss that would mean coming out of denial, so I'll leave it alone for now. Long story short, I've spent enough nights alone to not feel guilty about spending a few with another.

Hope:

After finding out about my bank account balance, I contacted my bank. I wasn't sure that it would accomplish much of anything, but by the end of the call they cleared enough charges from my account that I was no longer in the negative. My balance is still looking a bit skinny, I won't lie about that. But at least I'm not behind anymore. Last week I started reminiscing...When I was younger- 18 or 19- I lived alone and had a new car, yet I still had enough money to do things with my friends, shop til I dropped, and just generally live an interesting life. I started to ask myself, what the hell happened? Why can I no longer do those things freely? Then I began to remember things as they truly were: by the time I was 20/21, I had accumulated a great deal of debt. One morning I woke up suddenly after hearing a loud noise. I looked out my window to see what was going on, and it wasn't what I saw that terrified me- it was what I didn't see. My car had been repossessed. 5 thousand dollars, and 7 bus rides later I got it back...but a week later as I was watching America's next top model and my television turned off. So did all my lights, and my heat- in the middle of winter, no less. I had to conjure up another 6 thousand dollars to get it back on- and no, I'm not exaggerating. I had gone YEARS without paying a gas and electric bill, because I wanted to party and live it up like fucking P Diddy. So I took a look at my ledger the other day and realized that even though I'm broke as hell, all of my bills are paid and on time. I'm learning responsibility, and it might come at a small price- I won't be able to do all the silly crap I did when I was younger, at least not until I'm better established. But hey, worse things in life have happened. Also, thanks to all who have volunteered to take a flier!!! I did get some interest this week and what's more, I have some great new ideas that I'm trying to put together.

...and a Baby

My niece was born this weekend!! She arrived three weeks early, so no one was expecting her. Her name is Charley, and to her aunt Brittney she's the cutest thing to come into this world since her big sis Rileah was born. I can't say that I had any bright epiphanies when first seeing her, and it wasn't life changing except in the obvious ways...but it was definitely awe inspiring. For a just a while, my financial woes, my dating life, and all other things that have consumed me as of late were pushed to the back burner and replaced with family. In large part due to the snow we've had recently, we haven't all been together in a while... Charley's arrival is also going to mean increased responsibility on my part; I don't want Rileah to get jealous, so I plan to spend a lot more time hanging with my little toddler homie. Anyway, I want to write more but I can always come back later- I gotta get ready for work!

But before I go, I have to say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY CHARLEY <3

What can I say? The baby likes a little soda...

Feb 23,2010...Damn Oliver.

Ugh! I wrote an entire blog, and my freaking cat decided that it would be fun to attack the keyboard. In doing so he erased it. I tried to go back to the edit screen in hopes that it had saved, but the only thing that had was one half of the first sentence I wrote. Ugh...sometimes, he can be so very frustrating. Like yesterday, when around 7am, I woke up suddenly to the sound of breaking- not broken- glass. I poked my head into the bathroom and found that my cat was knocking my glass candle holders off the window ledge one by one, apparently enthralled with the look and sound of my money being flushed down the toilet. Funny, because a big chunk of glass actually flew into the toilet, a fact that I did not discover until after taking my exalted morning pee.

Anyway, if I start writing again, I'll be late for work...but tune in later. I have updates on my life as of late, and there's lots to discuss.

Have a fabulous day : )

Feb 17: Sex, broke, and reality.

Have you ever been so angry, so irate, so fucking done, that all you can do is shake your head and laugh?

Lately things have been going pretty well in my life; a little too well actually. It's almost as if things are too calm, and though I've appreciated it, I was pretty sure that a storm was on the way. Now that storm has arrived, and I'm trying to take it in stride.

...Let me start from the beginning.

Sex

Two days ago I woke up and realized to my dismay that it has been quite some time since last I had sex. Now quite some time for me might be laughable to you, but I wouldn't know because I rarely have your sex. At any rate, it's been... Yes, it really has...it's been about three weeks since sex and I last met. Maybe a little longer. I had a theory...I didn't want to have sex with someone who wasn't my ex because I figured it would be mediocre at best and just make me depressed. But by yesterday I realized that that theory was complete bullshit- I had great sex before her, so I'm sure there will be great sex after her too...and I really want to have some of that great damn sex! So without reservation, I made plans with someone I've been seeing, and I honestly didn't feel at all bad about it. We've been spending time together and I like her...I could potentially more than like her one of these days. So it seemed...safe.

Broke

When I got home from work today, I felt a little dirty when I realized that I'd been thinking of tomorrow's impending sex the entire way home. After a quick dinner I got online to check my bank account so I could budget out a little money to take with me tomorrow- I'm supposed to be going to a basketball game tomorrow as well. And to my fucking horror, I discovered that the balance in my account is -$186.00. Now I just got paid on Friday, and all of my bills have not yet cleared. So this...haha...this is some fucking awful news. Ten minutes after I got punched in the face by a fistful of poor, I was still sitting in silence, staring at my computer screen. I had been automatically logged out of my account for safety purposes, but the image of my beyond empty account was still all that I could see. Fuck. My. Life.

Reality

Since my break up, I've been concentrating on personal development, loving myself, dating, moving on, living, partying, and ing. But I'd forgotten about the things that are important - like finding a way to live a comfortable life, working on my business more than half heartedly, fighting to be more than what society says I'm going to be. In retrospect, I can barely believe that I'd been thinking about sex for two days. Sex! When I should be worried about things that matter so much more. Let's go a step beyond that- I can't believe I'd spent all that time pouting about my ex. Screw my ex! I need to worry about how I'm going to be successful! This living paycheck to paycheck was never my dream, but because I've let circumstance guide me, it has become my reality. I still want to meet people and date...but I might just have to befriend my trusty old bullet until I can make a better life for myself. And Oliver.


So I don't know if I'll be keeping that date for tomorrow. I can see it now...me crying in the middle of sex- not because I'm happy and not because I wish it were with someone else- but because I'm having a vision of my few dollar bills walking out the door with suitcases in their hands.

That being said, I'd like to ask a huge favor of all who read my blog.

If you're up to it, and only if you're up to it- please email me: brwilliams389@hotmail.com. I'll send you an attachment with a flyer for my writing/editing business and ask you to please just post it in one place- be it at school, in your apartment building, somewhere...anywhere! ...where there are people. And if you have a business or service, I'll do the same for you. I need to get back on track here, and if anyone out there can help, I'd be eternally grateful.

Okay, well that's it for now. ...Actually, not quite.

Remember my friend Carlos that I was telling you about in a previous blog? Well he's decided to start his own:

http://los-state-of-mind.blogspot.com

...and she doesn't know I'm doing this, but I just joined another lesbian breakup blog called... lesbian breakup blog, lol. She's still in the early stages of healing so she could really use some support. And aside from that, she has quite a story to tell. So if you're interested: http://lesbianbreakupblog.blogspot.com/

Okay, enough with my shameless promotion. Good night : )

2/14 again...Oliver

Since I always talk about him, I thought I should put a face to the name. Yesterday morning Oliver was hanging out on my pillow while I was trying to sleep. Then he stretched his legs down and took up the majority of my pillow space. So I looked up at him as I prepared to push him off of my pillow and go back to sleep. He knew he was wrong, and he also knew that in several seconds, he'd be looking for a new place to sleep. But instead of simply getting up to move, he looked down at me, and verrrry very slowly stretched out his paw...and placed it on my nose. He then looked at me curiously as if thinking, "I wonder what she'll do...". And do you know what I did? I took a picture:

2/14...9:55AM- How many ways can I say Valentine's day?

Happy Vday : )

This day has always been admittedly underwhelming for me because I'm usually single, so I never look forward to today like so many people do. But I'm expecting that today will be slightly better than the norm because:

1. I'm off tomorrow. Yay!
2. My friend spent the weekend with and it's been a lot of fun.
and, 3. I purchased some great lotion yesterday, so after I shower, I expect to smell quite sexy ; )

Okay, speedbump. I just went looking for Oliver because I heard him crying, and I found him running out of his kitty litter box. Then I looked in the box to see if I should clean it, and do you know what I found there? Not poop, not even pee...but a mechanical pencil. Why in the hell does he have a mechanical pencil in his kitty litter box?

...anyway. I think it's quite ironic in the whackest of ways that rather than being in a great relationship on the V, I'm always at the very beginning stage of dating, or not dating at all. Is this a side effect of the current economic crisis? Are people naturally inclined to break up shortly before Valentine's day to avoid spending money on lavish gifts and expensive dates? Because contrary to popular belief, I'm a pretty reasonable date. I don't expect or demand much at all! But who's gonna know that since I keep getting the axe beforehand? It's gotten so that I dread those weeks and months leading to February, because I know that some supreme bullshit is sure to ensue. And then right around 2/14, I always meet someone or somethree and things get interesting for the rest of the year, and then boom! I'm single again by the time V-dog comes into town.

So this year I'm breaking the habit. Rather than concentrate on one person like I'm so naturally inclined to do, I'm going to try my hardest to stay single. I don't intend to be like a pimp or anything (if you knew me, this would be especially funny. I'm far too timid to be such a thing)...but I fully intend to max out my singledom and date- really date- until I've found someone who I think I'll make it more than 6 weeks with. ...and anyway, my horoscope specifically said that I won't end up with my next love until June 13th. Yes, specifically that day. And ironically, I'm pretty sure that that's Baltimore Pride week, so there will most definitely be lots to love ; )

Until then (not necessarily June 13th specifically; I'm not that into horoscopes...), I'll concentrate on other things, and lately I've found that there are plenty to keep my attention.

So for all who have been following this blog, you probably know by now that my plans and life's damn plans are usually not the same...plans. So though this is my goal, I'm quite interested to see what actually happens.

See ya...and Happy 'tines day

02/09/2010, 6:42pm...Flirt.

So today I've decided to start revamping my blog a little. I wondered if maybe I should just start a new one, but I kind of like the idea of this one extending to include everything that I'm going through. That way, many years from now when I'm old and gray, I can read back over my life (that is, on the days that my cataracts aren't giving me too much trouble), and remember all the dumbass things I did when I was young. Then, like every old person, I'll be able to curse myself for not knowing then what I know now. Aaand then I'll get back to watching my soap operas...

I decided that having a blog with a black background was making me sad...so I added some color! More changes to come, but don't worry- it's still me. And besides, change is a good thing!

Now. You may be wondering why I decided to label today's blog "flirt". It's because after careful consideration, I realized that I have absolutely no idea how to. Take today for example. I noticed that yesterday was the birthday of one of my social networking friends. So I wrote her and said, "happy belated...better late than never, right?"

...Then I rolled that over in my head 73 times as I thought of better things that I could have said. I secretly hoped that she would just read the message and move on with her day, but she responded. Now don't get all excited, the response was bad-

"you're not late- today is my birthday".

So then I sat there for two hours, unsure of what to say next. I mean, what do you say to that? Do you make a joke out of it and correct yourself? Do you say something geeky? In a state of panic, I came up with a list of possible replies:

1. oh :/ Well happy actual birthday then!

(Uugh, corny!)

2. Damn...usually I don't make people age faster than normal until after they get to know me, lol. Happy Birthday : )

(I don't know about this one...)

3.

(that is not a typo)

4. Oh okay. Well happy birthday- I hope you get to celebrate even though everything is closed due to inclimate weather.

(Oh my god...could I BE a bigger square??)

or, 5. Oops...well Happy Birthday : )

(*biting my nails and looking around nervously* Too passive???)

In the end, I opted for #3. I mean, you have to admit that it's the safest. And this way, I don't have to accidentally flirt because what if she doesn't want me to flirt and even if she did I'll never know so it won't bother me that we didn't get married in the end.

...But I will say this- I guess it's not too late to respond, so if anyone can think of anything cute or something, please let me know!!

Aaah, moving on. I decided to do a search for pictures of "flirt" because I thought it might help me gain a better understanding of exactly how it's done. Now, I'm a lesbian so maybe things just look different to me. But I thought it quite strange that among the first images to populate, I found this:



Who thought to do something like this? This image will forever be burned in my skull, making the already near impossible act of flirting even more arduous!




So since



is now the visual that springs to mind when I think of "flirt", I've decided to forego the pics for now. But like I said- I'll work on it : /

As my fellow East Coasters know, I'm once again snowed in...or at least getting snowed in. Luckily my co workers (who are currently in the building where I live) are meeting for a movie night- so I have to run. Have a great night guys : )

Feb 8, 210...8:20PM

So my snowed in weekend was....a success! On Friday while I was at work, I dreaded 5:00 because I was not ready to go home and be alone. To be totally honest, I didn't think I would make it through the weekend because of the way I was feeling. By Saturday morning, I felt foolish for thinking that things would be bad. For one, I had Ciara (Thank you babes!!!!) to talk to. We literally talked for at least 13 total hours this weekend. As a result, I feel like we found out a lot about each other. Now guys, I totally don't want you to think I'm rebounding- I'm so not rebounding. I just honestly found a great new friend amidst all this drama. Aside from Ciara, I did some blogging, did a lot of flirting with people who shall remain unnamed ; ) and also spent a great deal of time alone. Well, not completely alone- I had my main man Oliver here. Yes, I changed his name to Oliver...it's what I wanted his name to be from the beginning.

I'm going off on a tangent here, but Oliver and Company is my absolute favorite movie, and my cat looks just like him- it so fits him : )

Anyway, things went pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. I know I'm not totally ready to have a new girlfriend, but the thing is, now I know that I'm not ready because of me...not because I'm still trying to get over an ex. I want to find the right person, I want to date, and flirt, and have fun, I want to spend nights alone, reading a book or working on my business, I want to be with me.

Okay, one more thing - if anyone has downelink, please send me a request: www.downelink.com/brittney-elizabeth. I blog about a lot more than my failed relationship there, so maybe it'll keep you entertained. Plus, I only accept people who have something to say, and as a result, I only have a handful of friends : /

Okay well, I'm done here for the night. I hope everyone is doing well : ) Remember that if you ever need to talk, please email me- as soon as I get it I'll write you back. And to my fellow East Coasters...enjoy the 20 inches we're getting tomorrow night! ...and no, I'm not kidding.

2/5/10...9:20PM

Ok so...today I totally acted out when talking to Adriel. I don't know...I obviously live in this fantasy world where she'll suddenly come back and apologize for all of this crap so we can be happy again. But the reality is, she's done all this stuff and though she told me the truth, she's not sorry. I want her to be, but she's not. And so today, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I stepped totally out of my character when talking to her. I'd like to remind that I'm PMSing, so I'm not totally shocked that in light of recent events, something like this finally happened. I was just so frustrated, and I'd had so many emotions bottled up that they all just poured out at once. I certainly didn't come off as very lady like or classy, and I will always kick myself for that, because she's definitely not worth me losing my cool. But long story short, as I was in the middle of my little moment, my friend called. She reminded me that I'm a great person, and if Adriel wants to be with someone else, then let her- because there are still some wonderful people who would be with me. She reminded me of how much I'm loved, so who cares if one person takes her so-called love away? And in the end, I felt pretty foolish for having the little moment that I had, because she's right- I will be okay. When you lose someone you loved, it hurts- but it is not the end of the world and it is certainly not the end of the road.

And so, I'm back everyone! I'm sure I'll have some moments when I think about her and get upset, but you know what? I have the means to get through this! Which brings me to my next subject...

In retrospect, I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea to date just because I still have hurt feelings about my ex. Why should I pass up good people just to sit around and wait for her, when she has no interest in being with me? One of the first indications that Adriel was cheating was that she stopped telling me that I was beautiful, she stopped looking at me with adoration. And so, though I know I shouldn't have, I started feeling unattractive, unworthy. Though you should love yourself enough to automatically know, dating can help remind you just how desirable you are.

And so, I'm going to start living for now instead of putting my life on hold for something that's never going to be with someone who's not worth my time anymore. Now don't get me wrong- I don't plan to start screwing a slew of miscellaneous women...but I am going to get back out there and let the world know that I'm here! ..okay maybe not the entire world.

And I might not find "the one" anytime soon...


...but it should certainly make for some interesting blogs ; )

To my support group and all of those who follow my blog...

I'm truly sorry about the tone of my last post, I'm just very angry and hurt and I have no outlet. I hope that you'll stick in there with me, because I know it's going to get better- I mean shit, it really can't get much worse. So please forgive me if it seemed a little harsh. Besides crying, I don't know how else to relieve this pain.

Just stay with me...some days, it's just the comments and emails I get that keep me strong.

Solitude concluded.

So today is the last day of solitude. I'd hoped to have wonderful things to say, but in normal fashion, my ex decided to find a way to fuck things up for me. After reading my blog, she decided that she wanted to sit down and talk to me because she felt like she'd been wrong for not telling me the truth. She then preceded to tell me about how, a few months ago when we went to a club with a group of my friends, she met some girl at the bar while I was in the restroom. She then walked to the girl's car with her, and they exchanged numbers. Meanwhile, I waited inside the club, very confused about why my girlfriend had dissapeared for 20 minutes. When she came back, she told me that she'd walked to an ATM so she could get money for a drink at the bar. ...but what bar doesn't take credit cards? I was pissed, but all of my friends sat me down and convinced me that Adriel was a good person, and that her story was true so I just had to let it go even though it seemed strange.

Adriel told me that she wanted to tell me the truth so that we could start over with a clean slate. So I asked her if she was still talking to the girl, and she said yes, but now they're just friends. How do you expect to start over when you're still fucking the source of the problem? I asked. And she said that I'm giving her an ultimatum, making her choose.

So long story short, Adriel saw that I was healing, doing a good thing, and preceded to shit on it and destroy it, and pull me back into her con artist-esque world of bullshit. I've been really good about getting past her, finding positive ways to deal with the pain, and above all- not bad mouthing her. But she is a complete asshole who I shouldn't have given the time of day from the beginning, and I've been doing her too many favors while she continues to try to fuck with my head. She fooled all of my friends, had them thinking she was actually a worthy girlfriend, when all along she's been nothing but a mangled fucked up mess who's nowhere near a good person.

So tonight, when I thought I'd have a wealth of positive to take away from this, I'm so angry inside, so hurt, and so frustrated. Why do people like her exist? And moreso, how can these people be considered religious leaders when they seem to do a better job of destroying lives and breaking people down than any non-minister I know?

I am just so completely frustrated that I don't even know what to do. But shit- maybe this is my fault for falling into one of her pathetic little traps and communicating with her. Clearly she's just the type of person who seeks pleasure in hurting others.

I've just about lost faith in true love. ...but the operative words are "just about". I'm going to vent, get past this moment, continue healing and eventually find someone who's worth my time.

So I'm sorry for all the negativity here, but I have had enough. I'm tired of holding all of this in because I don't want to blast her. Fuck her. I need to let this out- she thinks she's a good person, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling like she is the scum of the fucking earth. I wish I could un-know her and take all this pain away.... At first I loved her and just felt hurt, but now, there is truly hatred in my heart for Adriel and all of her cons.

Needless to say, I'll be back as soon as I regroup, because I'm nowhere near close to healed. I just hope that all I'm doing right now is venting, and that I didn't allow her to reopen the wounds that she caused, and deepen them.

Good night.

#14

I wanna swim away but don't know how...sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.