3/15...Today has been ok.

Long and horrible weekends are very good for at least one thing- helping us reevaluate our lives.

...or perhaps I'm just speaking for myself.

My weekend was just nearly completely shitty. I was finally feeling better after last week's health scare - turns out I was a tad overzealous with my newfound veganism; the pain that I experienced was caused by a calcium deficiency since I had stopped eating dairy. I'm still vegan, but I've added a Vitamin D supplement to my diet and I'm feeling fine. Anyway, I was feeling better and I was ready to have a fun weekend. But instead I got an incredible dose of reality.

Friday: Whack.

I cancelled a date because I wanted to spend some time at home. That time alone- the first I've had in quite some time- got me to thinking about dating, as I said I would... I realized that I am not interested in casual sex and good times from several people. I'm not ready to jump the broom, but I...I guess I'd like to know that the person - not people- I'm dating wants more from me, but that we're taking it slowly to make sure things are right. I started to think about someone I'd been seeing a lot of lately. Though we have a lot of fun, it seems as if she's "killing time until the bus comes" rather than getting to know me and being open to something more. Then I started to think about other people I've been seeing. I hate to admit it, but I'm in pretty much the same situation with everyone. Without being sappy or getting ahead of myself, I casually brought the topic up with her. And do you know what she told me? She said that she's always liked me but that she was completely afraid to approach me because she thought she wouldn't be enough for me, but once we got closer and eventually had sex, it gave her a confidence boost and made her want to date more. Honest? yes. Fucked up? very. I felt extremely used and a little hurt. Yes, we're both single, but if I have sex with someone, it means I'm pretty interested. Usually, anyway. Armed with that information, I decided to give her a rest. I'm not mad and I didn't start an argument with her...I just don't like to be perceived as a challenge or a goal. I am, after all, a person. And I have fucking feelings.

Saturday: whack.

Aside from the fact that all of my plans were in one way or another foiled, I ended up hanging out with my ex. I was maybe 19 when we dated, and although she was very attractive (and she's not fat, I should add), she was a little immature and I got tired of dealing with it. We've been friends since then though, and thankfully she has finally grown up for the most part. She spent the majority of Saturday telling me that she doesn't know why we broke up and that we should try again, about how she can see us together... Now don't get me wrong- this was all quite touching, but I have built an unobstructable wall to protect me from all the shit that has been flung at me lately from various angles. I listened to her but didn't let it get to me- they were just words, and I know better than to fall for words alone. Even still, I was completely appauled when Sunday afternoon rolled around and, looking at her phone, she told me that she had to go outside to make a phone call, but that she had to think of an excuse first. I asked her if she had a girlfriend then, only because I hadn't the faintest clue that she would have one seeing as how she'd spent the day and night with me. And do you know what she told me? "I have sort of a 'friend'. But Brittney- I really missed you and wanted to see you." Honest? yes. Fucked up? Very. I do not go out with, or sleep with, people with girlfriends. Even if just speaking from a karmic standpoint, this is a very bad idea. I didn't create a scene or show her that she had just hurt me; I just sort of laughed it off and told her that we couldn't hang out anymore. ...but I would like to know- when did I become a sex object? I would like to reiterate- I have feelings. Real ones. And the increase of women who promise me the world just to get in my bed makes me wonder: Have the vast majority of single people become walking shells?

In all fairness, I have admittedly become a walking shell in terms of dating. And perhaps my "I just want to have sex and good times" attitude has morphed into a cosmic boomerang, turning back on me and reducing me to no more than an unpaid lesbian hooker. Girls are coming at me from every angle, wanting to hang out, laugh, drink, have sex (not all of them of course), and not consider commitment, at least not with me.

And so, like I said, I've reevaluated my life. I'm tired of dating. I'm going to spend more of my free time with family and true friends, and with myself. Today I unplugged my house phone, turned off my cell phone, and for once didn't anxiously wonder who might be trying to reach me. I turned off all the lights and stared out of my window. I live in a high rise, and my view is completely unobstructed, so for a long while I sat and watched the clouds ride through the night sky. This may seem cheesy, but I've never paid enough attention to clouds at night to realize just how beautiful they are. I was becoming consumed with all of the wrong things, things that surely won't make my life better in any way...but the time I spent alone helped me to realize that it's time to go back to the place where I should be- the place where I concentrate on my goals, and try to surround my self with positive people.

You know, I didn't want to write this blog, but the simple act of doing so has humbled me. My life isn't always great, but it helps to be honest about what I'm feeling so that I can face it and get beyond it. That being said, even with the fuckery that ensued this weekend, I'm moving to a better place now, and today has been ok.