The End.

I told my girlfriend today that I'd like to end our relationship. I told her that her communication issues seem to run deeper than anything she can figure out without additional help, and that I too have things that I'd like to work on. I also told her that I've been feeling trapped in my thoughts, and that I feel that we're ill matched. And although it's cliche, I loved us when we were friends, and that I'd like to go back to that, even if it takes time. So for better or for worse, at least I was honest. Until today, I didn't realize how breaking up with someone could hurt you as badly as being broken up with. It makes me look at my past relationships differently as well...makes me wonder what my ex was feeling when she decided to let us go.

And although I know I'll feel the absence more and more before I move beyond this, I have to admit that I'm feeling one emotion much stronger than any other...

Relief.

Help.

After looking over my blog entries and personal journal entries, I decided that it might be a good idea to start seeing a therapist to help me sort things out. I've said this several hundred times, but today I actually contacted someone, and I've arranged an appointment for Wednesday. I go through highs and lows - during the highs, things go well, I'm social, I feel great about myself and my life. And then, out of nowhere usually, I hit a low, and I start writing. It didn't occur to me until recently that many people live their lives in a state of neutrality with happy and sad moments rather than happy and sad and no in-between, as I do. So I'm going to stand up and say proudly that I think I need help and I'm seeking it, and that if you're feeling similarly you shouldn't be ashamed.

If you need help, get it! You aren't alone.

I'm sure that I'll write again before Wednesday, but in case I don't, I'll tell you how it goes : )

Trapped.

I'm not happy with her.



This time last year, I was working to get beyond the hurt of my failed relationship. Now I'm with someone new; my friends and family really like her, she's very nice and mild tempered, and yet I must be honest: I'm not happy with her. My friends feel that I'm being too picky and that I should give her an honest chance, and their opinions only make me feel more trapped, as though I have no one who will understand these thoughts. I am giving our relationship a chance; I've been more open and honest with her than any of my past girlfriends, I wouldn't even think of cheating, and I've tried to let go of the destructive habits that have accompanied me in previous relationships. But no matter how hard I try to ignore it, communication is a deal breaker for me.



Whether it's about our relationship or the day I had at work, my girlfriend just doesn't like talking. I often wonder how she can be in any relationship without wanting to talk, as I've always believed that no relationship can work without communication. Still somehow, she seems to think that we could be fine even if we never discussed anything. For instance, several weeks ago, I disovered that she was not telling me the truth about her yearly salary. For the record, I don't feel that money is something that we should discuss having been together for only a few months, but she volunteered the information. I later found out that the salary she told me of is less than half of what she actually makes, and that because she's in the military, she only pays a small portion of her monthly rent. Discovering this hurt me quite deeply; I openly admired her ability to stick to a budget, and to be able to afford the apartment and car that she has on such a low salary. I asked her how she does it, and asked if she would mind sitting down with me to take a look at my finances so that I can model my spending after hers. So I guess the joke was on me, since the real reason she can easily pay her bills and save so much is simply that she makes much more than I. I asked her why she told me something that wasn't true. I explained that I wasn't angry- I was just a little confused.



Her response?



"Well, I don't have anything else to talk about, so I guess I'll just talk to you later".



She didn't call me later, or even the next day, so I eventually texted her, saying: "We eventually have to talk about this. When you're ready to talk, just let me know".



Her Response?



"I don't want to talk. I just want to sit here and stare at the wall."



Although I've let it go, she still hasn't explained why she lied - she said that she just miscalculated her salary. The whole situation completely baffles me, especially because I don't rely on her money at all- I work, I have my own car and apartment and I make decent money. I came to the conclusion that she wants to seem broke so that she doesn't have to pay for the things that we do. I love going out to restuarants, museums, movies, new cities, new everything, but she's perfectly content being at home all and every day watching TV.



Hmmm, I guess I'm just venting now, which is probably really boring to anyone who's reading this.



So in conclusion, I suppose the real issue is that because my girlfriend doesn't talk, and because my friends don't support how I feel, I feel trapped in my thoughts. That feeling is making me unhappy, and it's spreading to other aspects of my life. So, I'll end how I started:



I'm not happy with her.

So many thoughts, So few caring ears...

I'd like to preface by saying, I am currently PMSing.

Perhaps the real reason I decided to start a blog again is that I've had a lot of frustrations lately, and no one to talk to about them. Because I'm sure that my "friends" will never read this, I can openly say that I don't know what's going on with them lately. I try to always stand behind my friends, lending an ear when they need to talk, helping out when they need help...but this is certainly not reciprocated. I don't do hoping for things to be done, but I have to admit, sometimes it would be nice if my friends could be, well, friends. When I call to talk, I'm met with silence, a subject change, or any number of non helpful responses. After my attempts to talk, I'm left feeling even more frustration, and wishing I hadn't tried in the first place.

Maybe the real problem is my girlfriend. Yes- I have one now. We've been together for five months and she's amazing in so many ways...but there is one pretty big problem: I find that when I need to talk, when I need advice or a friend, I simply cannot go to her. When I tell her about situations at work, she tells me that I should 'call people out' and tell them how I really feel about them. It might just be me, but I've always thought that telling your co workers that you dislike them makes you look bad in the end. My girlfriend has been in the military for a few years now, and I'm pretty sure that going off on your co workers is frowned upon in her field of work too, so I'm not sure why she keeps suggesting it. Other times when I talk to her, I'm answered with "Uuummmm....", or her famous, "You'll figure it out". In the past, I've been able to talk to my partner about everything, so I didn't look to my friends to fill that void. So for the last few weeks I've been trying to figure out if not being able to talk to my girlfriend about things is something I can live with for the rest of my life.

So I have a question for all (or none?) of those who have begun reading my blog - Do you think that it's important to be able to talk to your partner about things, or are you content as long as there's someone in your life that you can talk to about things? Furthermore, would you stay with someone if you know you can't talk to them when you're frustrated, upset, confused, or pretty much any emotion besides happy?

In terms of accountability, I also wonder if I should just be more self sufficient, and not need to talk to others when I'm frustrated or need advice. I also wonder if I should simply start seeing a therapist...

I just don't know...so many thoughts...so few caring ears...

Hello again : )

Dear support system:

It has been a while, but I hope you're all doing well! By now, you have undoubtedly forgotten about me since I ended 15 days of solitude. But if you are still out there somewhere, then I'd love it if you would follow my fabulous new blog - Musings of a Self Righteous Lesbian ( http://lesbian-musings.blogspot.com)! I just started it today, and it promises to be interesting...to me at least : )

Also, if you live in Maryland or DC, you may be interested to know that I've started a website called theOUTguide.com - it chronicles gay events in MD and DC so that you'll know what's happening when you want to go out!

That is all. Talk to you soon!

Damn.

I have a parking ticket. Again.

In just over 365 days, I moved into an apartment that I loved, then out of said apartment and into my mother's attic, then out again and into another apartment of my own. But me and the new apartment have had some growing pains, to say the least. First, there was the no heat problem. For weeks, I went days without heat, even when temperatures fell below freezing. Then there was the paint (or lack thereof). It seemed as if a blind chimpanzee visited my apartment before I moved in, splattering ill-matched patches of paint on every wall. But now the heat is more or less fixed, and I had my entire apartment custom painted, and things are beginning to feel more comfortable. However, if everything in my life were going right, it wouldn't be my life, so of course there's one issue with my apartment that persists- my ever growing pile of fucking tickets. Even as I type, there's one on my car, the top half shivering each time the wind blows as if delivering silent belly laughs. Since November, I've gotten five tickets, and since responsibility is for ninnies, I've not paid one. The problem is that my new apartment is in the heart of the City's gay district (yay); I'm surrounded by gay clubs and bars, restaurants and fun (woop woop!!), but with great entertainment comes super shitty parking, and I've enjoyed nothing less than.

The parking here is so terrible that I avoid going anywhere that's beyond walking distance because I know it'll be hard to park when I return. And when I do drive places, such as to work or to the grocery store, I do what I call "camping out" upon my return. Camping out is quite an art. To do it properly, I need:

- a helmet. This will make sense later.
- a pair of binoculars, because eyes alone can only do so much.
- a case of water, because I could be in my car for quite a while.
- a glass bottle, because all of that water makes me go!
- air spray for odors, including but not limited to pee odor, body odor (because I really could be there for a while) and of course pet odors - because by the time I make it in the house, I worry that my cat will have died of old age.

Once my supplies are in tow, I turn my hazard lights on and double park on my street. I secure my helmet because I live on a main street and I worry that someone could ram into the back of my car at 65 miles per hour. I then turn the radio on, grab my binoculars and stare determinedly at any person who walks down the street, hoping that they’re walking to a car. Should I see a person with keys in hand, I drive behind them as they walk (you may have seen similar practices in mall parking lots) until they get in a car or begin running in fear, whichever comes first. Eventually I get a spot, but the process can take an hour or more, and a great deal more patience than I prefer to exercise.

So I guess I'll do the responsible thing and pay the fucking tickets when I get paid on Friday, and I'll call my landlord and request a private parking space - the $120/month that they charge is beginning to feel like a slight inconvenience compared to what I go through now. But the real question is – with no heat concerns, beautiful hues of blue, tan and taupe covering my walls, and convenient parking…what in the hell will go wrong?

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…