These are a few of my favorite things.

Okay, so every blogger does this at some point...Why should I be the exception?

Today didn't turn out as I had hoped. Come to think of it, yesterday ended whackly also. But before I go getting depressed and hating life, I think about those things which make me happy. Little things, these...but I could never be totally down as long as I'm close to them.

So here they are...

-My cat, because he never wants to be far away from me...



...which is why he sleeps on the pillows next to me at night:



...and in my lap as I use the computer:



...and on the couch as I watch Saturday morning cartoons:



Before you ask- NO he is not narcoleptic; he just likes to get his beauty sleep. Moving on...

-This uber-awesome chair. I got it from a secondhand store for $5. It's ratty and out dated, but it is the most comfortable chair I will ever have and I'm never getting rid of it.



-sleeping, eating, crying, fucking, or just generally hanging out in the chair. Ha, sounds a little like the intro song for the L word.



-My favorite shoes. Yes I am aware that my feet are ashy- that completes the look. I wear these everywhere with everything, and I could care less that they don't match the rest of my outfit. Call them slippers and I'll slap you- these are sturdy, grade A shoes, dammit!



-And lastly, for now at least...the view from my apartment (especially when it rains). Even when I'm stressed beyond measure, looking at the cityscape from my window makes me feel like there's something way bigger out there. I never put my blinds down- it would be a sin to hide that beautiful view. The only time I hate it is at 7:30am when the sun itself taps on my window, then charges in without waiting for the okay, and lights the side of my face on fire. It could be 16 degrees outside, but if the day is fine, you better believe that the sun will come after my ass.




Fin.

Don't be mistaken- This one's for you.

Looks as though I'm staying in tonight although I had planned for the last two weeks to go out, even going as far as to take a day off of work tomorrow. Why, might you ask? Because I had some unexpected budget issues, and because I organized all of my friends to go out tonight...and one by one, all but one cancelled or went MIA. It's supposed to be for my birthday- does anyfuckingone remember that?

Actually yes- exactly one.

For a month, a friend of mine ran me in circles as she gave little hints about what she was getting me for my birthday. She kept asking me what colors I like, what size I wear, she even asked me if I like playboy. By the end of it, I feared that she planned to get me a pair of neon green hotpants with a big ass bunny on the left buttcheek. So when I ripped off the wrapping paper to find a tennis shoe box, I was relieved! ...then really worried. I thought to myself, "I hardly wear tennis shoes...what will I do with these?" Now let me point out- I normally don't get gifts, so I told her repeatedly that I wasn't expecting anything, and even though I was worried that her gift would directly reflect how little she knows about me, I decided not to be mad about her buying shoes because it's better than what everyone else I know got me. Combined. Over the last decade. I held my breath as I opened the shoe box, and inside was a bunch of decorative black tissue paper (I told her that one of my favorite colors is black). I sighed in relief as I realized that there were no 10th generation shock absorbant especially gangsta multi colored tennis shoes inside- because I don't really like those. I removed the mess of tissue from the box, and do you know what was in it? Do you know what the hell was in it?

An ipod- also black, naturally.

Now you must understand- everyone else in the world has had an ipod since 5th grade- but not me, buddy. I used to put it on my Christmas list year after fucking year, and when I excitedly opened my boxes on the big day, all I got was knitted sweaters, socks and underwear. ...And a voice recorder once. That was a decent gift. And I watched in sorrow when after Christmas break, all my stupid stuck up friends showed up for school with their fucking gidgets and their damned gadgets, and I showed up sporting a frumpy ass pink multi sweater with an oversized pony slapped on the front of it. Though it was difficult, I was strong, and I learned how to thrive in the 21st century using 3rd world devices that my neice will one day look at in the same way I do 8 tracks.

By the early 2000's, I had acquired an impressive CD collection that I cherished, even though my friends laughed and said, "silly Brittney- no one has CDs anymore!" But one horrible day, I went to get in my car and realized that someone had beaten me to the punch; and when they did, they kindly took everything out of it, including but not limited to my revered CD collection. The girl I was dating at the time had accidently left my car unlocked the night before, so when we realized that someone had stolen my shit, she gave me her ipod as a way to say she was sorry. Not a month later we broke up and she left. Strange thing is, she left all of her clothes behind and never came back for them...but she took the damn ipod.

Flash forward a year and a half to my most recent ex. My CD player broke in my car. In my very musically inclined world, a drive to work without music is more horrifying than playing leapfrog with unicorns. Maybe because she loved me, but most likely because she was tired of being chewed out all and every day, she borrowed my car one day and when she returned to pick me up, she'd purchased a new CD player, which also had an aux...thingy, and a cord in the glove compartment where I could connect my Ipod and control it through the radio.

But I still had no Ipod.

And she promised to get me one after Christmas. Maybe because she was too broke to buy it, but most likely because she was fucking a girl that she'd met in the club while I was in the bathroom, she dumped me. So now I had this radio that was designed for an Ipod...

...and no damn Ipod.

Since then, as you all know, I've been poor. So I took to downloading music on my cell phone, connecting my phone to the aux...thingy, and enjoying the same 100 songs-because my phone won't allow for many more- every day. Could be worse, though. Oh yeah, it is... I've neglected all of my friends (which could be why they've all stood me up tonight) because I can't listen to music and talk on the phone, and music trumps convo. And I use the navigation system on my cell phone. Do you know how awful it is to be in the middle of a great song, when all of a sudden it's rudely interrupted by a super loud "In 300 feet, turn right on 'your broke ass needs an ipod' Ave"? Very awful indeed.

So in closing, I have to say that I should've given her more credit- this is after all, the very same girl who bought me Oliver and Company, the same girl who always surprises me with things that I've mentioned in conversation. It's also the only fucking girl who had to work a 12 hour shift today, and is still planning to drive 40 minutes out of her way to celebrate my birthday with me although she has to be at work at 9am.

So I'd like to say...although I appreciate all of my friends, if this particular friend is reading this, I hope she knows that I do and will always love her for listening to me, for supporting my crazy ass decisions without judgement, for being a friend to the end, when all of my other friends push me to the side, and lastly- for my Ipod.

Finally!

3-22: I have a story.

So now that I'm trying to get back on track, focus on myself, and only date if I feel that it will honestly go somewhere...for the most part, lol...I've been really digging deep and trying to figure out why I usually date people who are in many ways not what I truly want. Today I was lying in bed and I realized- though I've come a very long way, my self esteem is by no means as high as it should be. And maybe that's because I spent a lot of time dealing with people who treated me as though I wasn't worth much. Now don't get me wrong- this was perhaps as much my fault as theirs...but my intention now is not to focus on blaming someone for this; I simply want to heal and live to my full potential. I have quite a story, and the fact that I'm alive and healthy is blessing enough. Other things, like self esteem, can be gained over time.

When I was in my early to mid teens, I spent a significant amount of time away from home. ...Okay- let me correct that: I spent a significant amount of time away from home because I ran away almost as often as some people change clothes. As a result of all of this running away, I ended up in the acquaintance of some very unsavory characters. There was a time- all before my 16th birthday- when I stripped or worse so that I would have a place to sleep at night. I credit said experience for why I do not like strip clubs. Most people see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become aroused. I see a nearly naked sexy (usually, anyway) girl dancing seductively, and become consumed with the fact that she is severly broken, and that I'd be wrong to find pleasure in her pain. But I digress...On a certain late spring day, one of my unsavory friends introduced me to a man so that I could have sex with him in exchange for money and a place to sleep that night. So the man picked me up and we drove to a hotel near the Baltimore inner harbor. It was clear that he made it a regular practice to sleep with random women (though I pray to God that the others were at least of age), because he wasted no time with polite formalities; he simply checked in, fucked me, paid and left. After his departure, I hung out in the room watching cartoons (and not because I was young- I still love cartoons, thank you very much!) and actually felt very content; When you're not sure when you'll next have a bed to sleep in, even one night of assurance can bring a great amount of peace.

Then some time after 1AM, I woke up suddenly from the sound of loud talking just outside of my room. And as the door swung open, a naked and surprised me quickly covered myself with a sheet to see who it was. It was the man from earlier and one of his friends. When he left he had given me the hotel key, but I suppose he asked for another at the front desk. Fabulous. He reeked of weed, and he said to me with a little grin on his face, no less, "Look- either you fuck me and my friend or you gotta go so we can call some other bitches".

And so I took the true walk of shame- I tried to keep myself covered as I found my pants, shoes and shirt, and I left the room so that they could call whomever they planned to double team that night, because it sure as hell was not going to be me. I remember taking the steps instead of the elevator to buy myself a little time before being back outside, seeing as how I again had absolutely nowhere to go.

Now I don't feel the need to defend myself- I am not a lesbian because I've been hurt by men. Spend ten minutes reading my blog and you'll see that I've been hurt by women too- perhaps moreso since I actually loved the women who have hurt me. I'm simply sharing this story (and soon others) to make a point. I was literally treated like less than trash by many a person, and I have had to build myself up completely independently. Should I not have a distorted understanding of who I am? I started 15 days of solitude because I thought that writing my story down would help me heal, and it truly did. So I think the time has come to share my full story so that I can finally heal, learn, and move forward.

3/15...Today has been ok.

Long and horrible weekends are very good for at least one thing- helping us reevaluate our lives.

...or perhaps I'm just speaking for myself.

My weekend was just nearly completely shitty. I was finally feeling better after last week's health scare - turns out I was a tad overzealous with my newfound veganism; the pain that I experienced was caused by a calcium deficiency since I had stopped eating dairy. I'm still vegan, but I've added a Vitamin D supplement to my diet and I'm feeling fine. Anyway, I was feeling better and I was ready to have a fun weekend. But instead I got an incredible dose of reality.

Friday: Whack.

I cancelled a date because I wanted to spend some time at home. That time alone- the first I've had in quite some time- got me to thinking about dating, as I said I would... I realized that I am not interested in casual sex and good times from several people. I'm not ready to jump the broom, but I...I guess I'd like to know that the person - not people- I'm dating wants more from me, but that we're taking it slowly to make sure things are right. I started to think about someone I'd been seeing a lot of lately. Though we have a lot of fun, it seems as if she's "killing time until the bus comes" rather than getting to know me and being open to something more. Then I started to think about other people I've been seeing. I hate to admit it, but I'm in pretty much the same situation with everyone. Without being sappy or getting ahead of myself, I casually brought the topic up with her. And do you know what she told me? She said that she's always liked me but that she was completely afraid to approach me because she thought she wouldn't be enough for me, but once we got closer and eventually had sex, it gave her a confidence boost and made her want to date more. Honest? yes. Fucked up? very. I felt extremely used and a little hurt. Yes, we're both single, but if I have sex with someone, it means I'm pretty interested. Usually, anyway. Armed with that information, I decided to give her a rest. I'm not mad and I didn't start an argument with her...I just don't like to be perceived as a challenge or a goal. I am, after all, a person. And I have fucking feelings.

Saturday: whack.

Aside from the fact that all of my plans were in one way or another foiled, I ended up hanging out with my ex. I was maybe 19 when we dated, and although she was very attractive (and she's not fat, I should add), she was a little immature and I got tired of dealing with it. We've been friends since then though, and thankfully she has finally grown up for the most part. She spent the majority of Saturday telling me that she doesn't know why we broke up and that we should try again, about how she can see us together... Now don't get me wrong- this was all quite touching, but I have built an unobstructable wall to protect me from all the shit that has been flung at me lately from various angles. I listened to her but didn't let it get to me- they were just words, and I know better than to fall for words alone. Even still, I was completely appauled when Sunday afternoon rolled around and, looking at her phone, she told me that she had to go outside to make a phone call, but that she had to think of an excuse first. I asked her if she had a girlfriend then, only because I hadn't the faintest clue that she would have one seeing as how she'd spent the day and night with me. And do you know what she told me? "I have sort of a 'friend'. But Brittney- I really missed you and wanted to see you." Honest? yes. Fucked up? Very. I do not go out with, or sleep with, people with girlfriends. Even if just speaking from a karmic standpoint, this is a very bad idea. I didn't create a scene or show her that she had just hurt me; I just sort of laughed it off and told her that we couldn't hang out anymore. ...but I would like to know- when did I become a sex object? I would like to reiterate- I have feelings. Real ones. And the increase of women who promise me the world just to get in my bed makes me wonder: Have the vast majority of single people become walking shells?

In all fairness, I have admittedly become a walking shell in terms of dating. And perhaps my "I just want to have sex and good times" attitude has morphed into a cosmic boomerang, turning back on me and reducing me to no more than an unpaid lesbian hooker. Girls are coming at me from every angle, wanting to hang out, laugh, drink, have sex (not all of them of course), and not consider commitment, at least not with me.

And so, like I said, I've reevaluated my life. I'm tired of dating. I'm going to spend more of my free time with family and true friends, and with myself. Today I unplugged my house phone, turned off my cell phone, and for once didn't anxiously wonder who might be trying to reach me. I turned off all the lights and stared out of my window. I live in a high rise, and my view is completely unobstructed, so for a long while I sat and watched the clouds ride through the night sky. This may seem cheesy, but I've never paid enough attention to clouds at night to realize just how beautiful they are. I was becoming consumed with all of the wrong things, things that surely won't make my life better in any way...but the time I spent alone helped me to realize that it's time to go back to the place where I should be- the place where I concentrate on my goals, and try to surround my self with positive people.

You know, I didn't want to write this blog, but the simple act of doing so has humbled me. My life isn't always great, but it helps to be honest about what I'm feeling so that I can face it and get beyond it. That being said, even with the fuckery that ensued this weekend, I'm moving to a better place now, and today has been ok.

The Other Side of the Single Life.

So my last blog talked about how I've been living it up here lately, and enjoying all of the wonders that come along with being single. But today I got a small dose of reality...

Yesterday morning I woke up and hung out in bed for a few minutes too long as I do most mornings. Then with only 23 minutes to spare I decided to get up, take a shower and get ready for work. I yawned and stretched and stepped out of bed, and immediately gasped in pain. My calves were in a lot of pain, as if I had pulled the calve muscles in both of my legs simultaneously. Still, I could function and I figured that things would get better as time went by.

After work I told my friend what was going on, and she suggested that I eat a banana or something else high in potassium, as sometimes a potassium deficiency can cause your legs to do this. Bananas and I don't roll in the same crew, so I bought one of those all natural fruit smoothie drinks that are really high in potassium, and prayed that it would do the trick.

This morning I woke up and noticed that my calves were still rather sore. Even still, I climbed out of bed to start my day. This time however, I did more than gasp in pain- I fell down. It has been about 2 hours since I woke up, and I can barely walk. I hate to say this aloud, but I haven't worked out in nearly 3 weeks, so I know it can't be from that. I haven't lifted anything heavy, and before you ask- no, I have not played the bongos with my calves. ...I guess I should also note that I haven't had sex in almost a week...so though it is unfortunate, this isn't a result of trying out new positions.

I don't have a doctor, so I'm calling a bunch of places, most of which aren't open until after 9 (so when I finish writing this I should have a little more success). And when I do find a doctor, I will have to find a way to drive there. I'm not playing the victim or feeling super emotional, but I have to admit that I finally remember at least one thing that I miss about being in a relationship- in times like these, there was always someone there who had my back. Now don't get me wrong- I'm sure that those who I'm dating would care...but I can't help but ask myself: would they care out of obligation, or would they honestly and truly care? Also, no one that I'm dating resides on the mean streets of Bmore as I do, so I wouldn't want to bother anyone with trying to get here. Shit...I honestly miss being deeply cared about. And as I hobble my sad ass to someone's hospital or doctor's office, I'm going to start thinking about my life, my goals, and whether I really want to just hang out and be single, and ultimately be alone because I'm too scared and too selfish to look for something beyond surface level.

Fuck.

The single life.

Hey all! It has truly been a while since last I wrote, and that is for a reason: I have been, well, living! Aside from work, I've been dating, working on my business, hanging with my friends, chilling with my beautiful neices and the rest of my family, and just generally (and genuinely) enjoying my life. ...Aside from the fact that I'm still pretty broke : / But why dwell on the negative?

I'm writing today because I've had this really strange thing on my mind for a few days and it won't go away... I went to the movies on Friday with my sister, her best friend, and my neices. Before the movie, we browsed some stores in the mall, then headed to a restaurant to get something to eat. On the way there, I saw this girl who I thought was really freaking attractive. Strangely, I'm finding that lately I'm less ashamed at showing people that I'm attracted, and I no longer struggle to find words when speaking to someone who I'm interested in (thank GOD!). So I looked at her pretty confidently, smiled a little, and said "hey". She smiled back...then I watched as her eyes quickly darted down, and she continued walking. "What the fuck just happened??", I wondered. Then I looked down and realized that I was pushing a baby stroller. For just a moment I considered making my sister's friend push instead so people wouldn't assume things. Then I thought about it... This is my neice, this is my family- and they come first. To be totally honest, I don't think I'd date a girl with children (or child), but I'm still not going to push baby Charley to the side in hopes of getting some digits.

Still, I couldn't get the moment out of my mind... That night I went home and actually had a nightmare. I was four months pregnant and starting to show, and I was terrified. Girls looked at me in disgust and kept walking, I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone, and worse- I didn't know who the father was. I remember feeling trapped, scared, alone, ugly... I didn't have any sort of breakthrough after the dream, but I guess I'm sharing it with you guys because I've discovered here lately that I don't think I want children. I'm only 22 (until the end of the month, at least) so I guess I have some time to work through these feelings, but...I just wanted to share that.

Moving on...My dating life has been really nice. My friend and I hung out last weekend and as we were leaving my apartment, concierge called to tell me that I had a package waiting at the front desk. Since I am online order queen, I excitedly headed to the front desk to get the book I've been waiting for (I ordered the four agreements WEEKS ago, but have yet to receive it). When she handed me the package, I thought it seemed a little small, but I shrugged it off and tore it open. What I found inside was not a book at all- it was Oliver and Company, a movie that is commonly known to be one of my favorites. "I didn't order this..." I said. My friend turned to me and said, "No, you didn't". Okay, so it was just a Disney movie, and it probably didn't cost much...but I swear that was so fucking sweet. I saved it until one day this week when she spent the night again, and we watched it together. I might love that one... The girl, I mean.

By the way, after another friend of mine let me borrow and read "Skinny Bitch", I officially made the transition from vegetarian to vegan, baby! And I feel great! So she came over yesterday and we went shopping together, then came back to my apartment and together we made turkey, fresh spinach and buttered noodles- all totally organic, delicious, and vegan. While we ate, we talked- really talked, and I learned a lot about her. I think I might be starting to love her too, lol.

I do have a great connection with both of these girls (aaaand maybe one other), but we are all single and honest with one another, so I'm not "playing" anyone. I should also state that I'm very open to the idea of dating one person again...but if it's going to happen, it's going to happen at snail speed. I need to make sure it's right this time, and that I'm dating someone that I could truly spend a significant part of my life with. And until I'm absolutely sure I'll continue to date and enjoy the pleasures of being single- contrary to popular belief, there are a great many benefits that come with it.

So to recap- babies freak me out, single looks good on me, and things are nice right now. That's about it! See you all soon : )