A good day

Today was a great day. I went to my second therapy session, where I talked about how I'm terrified to approach people that I'm attracted to. Yes it's true - if I see a girl that I find attractive, I get completely tongue tied. I'm a total dork about it, so as a result I just don't approach people. She assured me that we would work on that which for me is scary but long overdue.

I hung pictures that have been sitting in the corner of my living room for two months. ...okay, four months. Looks good, huh?

Per my therapists suggestion, I researched and found a gay community center and decided to attend a women's group session on Thursday, in an attempt to meet new people, better people, to befriend.

I listened to music for hours, changed some things on my website (http://www.theoutguide.com/ if you're wondering), ordered Indian food, and in 30 minutes expect to be in total bliss when my secret love Jennifer Beals returns to TV in The Chicago Code. Yess...today couldn't have been much better.

So, that's it! Good night everyone and no one :)

Just something I heard today.

"A careful man tries to dodge a bullet while a happy man takes a wallk" -Eals

Sometimes.

I was pretty nervous about seeing a therapist. I was worried that she would judge me, and for some reason I had this extreme fear that she wouldn't think much of me because I'm using insurance to pay for our sessions. I know that sounds crazy, but if you've ever looked for a therapist and noticed how many people don't take or don't like to take insurance, you would understand. In the end I'm so glad that I made that appointment.

Even after one single appointment, I feel that the swell of noise in my head has died down, and that I'm on the right path to making sense of my jumble of a life. And interestingly enough, admitting how I feel about my ex has helped me to regain some sense of control regarding the situation. I feel like- no I know- that I'm going to be just fine. So I guess that sometimes, just admitting the truth to yourself and saying it aloud is enough to take away its power.

I'm going to see her again on Monday and I cannot wait! In the meantime, I have a few other things that need to get back on the right track too. To every or no one who's reading this- have a great night : )

How do you let go?

I feel crazy for saying this out loud and putting it over the internet no less, but I'd like to be open and honest in hopes that doing so will help me to face this. Besides that, I have absolutely no plausible evidence that anyone's reading this, so maybe I truly am safe in my thoughts. Whatever the case, I'll get on with it.

It has been over a year since I got dumped, and I'm not over her. I never thought I would be that pathetic ass person who couldn't get beyond someone, who watched someone thrive in their new lives as I sat dejectedly staring in, but here I am. I may not have my dignity and I know that I'm standing completely alone, but I'm fighting with the only weapon I have left- honesty.

I had so much to work on when we were together and I was by no means ready to be in a relationship, and it strikes me as horrifically ironic that the person I am now seems so well suited for the person she was then. I've spent months fantasizing about her coming back, and after many conversations with her I should know that it isn't going to happen. But I'm still standing here waiting. My pride is completely gone, I feel so rejected that it doesn't even phase me any longer, but I'm still here knowing that she's with someone else, knowing that I'm completely pathetic for this, and still not wanting to let go. At first I thought that being dumped made me want her back, so that I could get even, or that I just needed to meet someone better. But I see now that there isn't really anyone better per se; there is only someone different. And if it's someone different, I haven't been wholeheartedly interested.

Now this is not to say that my current failed relationship is a result of my feelings, although I suppose that plays some part here- my ex is a good person, but I could not be happy with her under any circumstances the way she is now, and I left her because I could tell that the way she is might be the way she'll always be, and that is something I cannot accept in a partner.

I'm complete exhausted from playing the role of fool and I feel so pathetic for hanging on to someone who hardly thinks of me. I'm trying to understand that we're over, I'm trying to believe that some other thing pulls me toward her, and that if I were to get my chance to be with her again it wouldn't be what I want. I have so much love and so many things to offer but she doesn't want it and I just want to be able to comprehend that and let her go.

The truth is, even as I was writing 15 days of solitude, I was keeping a private journal that was very different than what I was saying to those who followed the blog. I wanted to seem strong, to help anyone else who was going through the same things, but I was still hurting, and I am still hurting.

I want to move on. What do I have to do to move on?

The End.

I told my girlfriend today that I'd like to end our relationship. I told her that her communication issues seem to run deeper than anything she can figure out without additional help, and that I too have things that I'd like to work on. I also told her that I've been feeling trapped in my thoughts, and that I feel that we're ill matched. And although it's cliche, I loved us when we were friends, and that I'd like to go back to that, even if it takes time. So for better or for worse, at least I was honest. Until today, I didn't realize how breaking up with someone could hurt you as badly as being broken up with. It makes me look at my past relationships differently as well...makes me wonder what my ex was feeling when she decided to let us go.

And although I know I'll feel the absence more and more before I move beyond this, I have to admit that I'm feeling one emotion much stronger than any other...

Relief.

Help.

After looking over my blog entries and personal journal entries, I decided that it might be a good idea to start seeing a therapist to help me sort things out. I've said this several hundred times, but today I actually contacted someone, and I've arranged an appointment for Wednesday. I go through highs and lows - during the highs, things go well, I'm social, I feel great about myself and my life. And then, out of nowhere usually, I hit a low, and I start writing. It didn't occur to me until recently that many people live their lives in a state of neutrality with happy and sad moments rather than happy and sad and no in-between, as I do. So I'm going to stand up and say proudly that I think I need help and I'm seeking it, and that if you're feeling similarly you shouldn't be ashamed.

If you need help, get it! You aren't alone.

I'm sure that I'll write again before Wednesday, but in case I don't, I'll tell you how it goes : )

Trapped.

I'm not happy with her.



This time last year, I was working to get beyond the hurt of my failed relationship. Now I'm with someone new; my friends and family really like her, she's very nice and mild tempered, and yet I must be honest: I'm not happy with her. My friends feel that I'm being too picky and that I should give her an honest chance, and their opinions only make me feel more trapped, as though I have no one who will understand these thoughts. I am giving our relationship a chance; I've been more open and honest with her than any of my past girlfriends, I wouldn't even think of cheating, and I've tried to let go of the destructive habits that have accompanied me in previous relationships. But no matter how hard I try to ignore it, communication is a deal breaker for me.



Whether it's about our relationship or the day I had at work, my girlfriend just doesn't like talking. I often wonder how she can be in any relationship without wanting to talk, as I've always believed that no relationship can work without communication. Still somehow, she seems to think that we could be fine even if we never discussed anything. For instance, several weeks ago, I disovered that she was not telling me the truth about her yearly salary. For the record, I don't feel that money is something that we should discuss having been together for only a few months, but she volunteered the information. I later found out that the salary she told me of is less than half of what she actually makes, and that because she's in the military, she only pays a small portion of her monthly rent. Discovering this hurt me quite deeply; I openly admired her ability to stick to a budget, and to be able to afford the apartment and car that she has on such a low salary. I asked her how she does it, and asked if she would mind sitting down with me to take a look at my finances so that I can model my spending after hers. So I guess the joke was on me, since the real reason she can easily pay her bills and save so much is simply that she makes much more than I. I asked her why she told me something that wasn't true. I explained that I wasn't angry- I was just a little confused.



Her response?



"Well, I don't have anything else to talk about, so I guess I'll just talk to you later".



She didn't call me later, or even the next day, so I eventually texted her, saying: "We eventually have to talk about this. When you're ready to talk, just let me know".



Her Response?



"I don't want to talk. I just want to sit here and stare at the wall."



Although I've let it go, she still hasn't explained why she lied - she said that she just miscalculated her salary. The whole situation completely baffles me, especially because I don't rely on her money at all- I work, I have my own car and apartment and I make decent money. I came to the conclusion that she wants to seem broke so that she doesn't have to pay for the things that we do. I love going out to restuarants, museums, movies, new cities, new everything, but she's perfectly content being at home all and every day watching TV.



Hmmm, I guess I'm just venting now, which is probably really boring to anyone who's reading this.



So in conclusion, I suppose the real issue is that because my girlfriend doesn't talk, and because my friends don't support how I feel, I feel trapped in my thoughts. That feeling is making me unhappy, and it's spreading to other aspects of my life. So, I'll end how I started:



I'm not happy with her.