It seems as if it has been forever since last I wrote, and I'd like to point out that this is not for lack of want! Every day I try to sneak some time to write at work, but I rarely take longer than a 10 minute lunch break, and I have yet to find free time while at work. But today is my friend's birthday and I'm taking her out, so while she gets ready, I have a little time to write.
Work.
I started at my new location a little over a month ago. Although I interviewed to work here permanently, I didn't see the odds going in my favor as for actually getting the job. But at the end of my first day, the property manager offered me the position. So here I am, working at a location that I've dreamed of for years prior. And yes, I work through many a lunchbreak and often leave late, but these things honestly don't bother me because I'm doing what I love, I'm doing what I have a passion for, and I'm happy!
In taking the position, I actually got a little more than I'd bargained for... The company in which I work would seem very straight laced to anyone passing by, and from an insider's standpoint, it is both extremely straight laced and extremely straight, two things that I know nothing about. But a day and a half after I started working here, I began to realize that one of my co workers might be...like me. And so in typical Brittney-Elizabeth fashion, I started a conversation with him in which I was a little too forthcoming. I told him about my break up, and how I'd just moved back to my mother's house, and how it was going to be hell for my dating life. He listened politely, then turned back to what he was doing, and I wondered if he was trying to decide whether or not I was a bag of chips short of a picnic. I spent the rest of the day wondering how I could have pegged him wrong, and thinking about how silly I was to give so much information to a total stranger. But that afternoon as we walked to a nearby bar for happy hour, he started to open up to me, too. Now, a month later, we party together regularly, talk about our lives- dating and otherwise, and he doesn't even flinch when I tell him that I have to poop! ...which is honestly an every day occurrence- I'm obsessed with pooping, always have been. And now, although it hasn't been very long at all, I can honestly say that I've made a great new friend.
Dating.
Still not talking about my date life. Sorry! But I will say that I'm still single, and I'm having a great time being single; I've made tons of new friends, I have a pretty active social life, and just last week as I was out with some friends, I stood in shock after realizing that I didn't go to the club with the secret hope of meeting Princess Charming as I so often did before...I honestly went to have a great time with my friends.
Home.
Aaaand living with my mother isn't so bad at all. It became quite obvious after a day or two that she has missed having her children so close to her. She calls me every day to ask if I'd like to come have breakfast with her, she's allowed me to be on her car insurance policy (I almost had a heart attack over this one!)- saving me an additional $150 a month, and overall, she's been really easy going. I have had company, even overnight company, and she hasn't said anything. ...although in truth, she may not know. Also in truth, I'm not going to volunteer the information. I held off on starting real estate classes because it became obvious that I wouldn't have a static schedule at work, and at least until I prove myself there, I don't want to ask for a lot of special requests. But part of my job is establishing as many connections as possible, oftentimes with realtors, so I've met a lot of great realtors who I keep in contact with and who give me lots of great advice about the industry, and when I do make the switch I won't go in totally blind.
Yikes- she's ready to go! But I have much more to talk about, so I promise to be back soon : )
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...
Sometimes when I don't catch myself, I revel in the most delicious fantasy... I take a stairway to the very top of a tall building and walk out onto the roof. The evening kisses my face, a subtle breeze blows, and far below I hear the sounds of that I can see for miles in any direction. To the south, I see lights from buildings twinkle as their reflections dance across the water. North I watch as traffic stops and starts, and for a moment I become fixated with the frantic flashing of the lights atop police cars as they speed off into the distance. I see this and I think, what a beautiful sight...what a perfect last sight... Then smiling, I stretch out my arms and fall forward. Lights are just blurs now, fleeting moments in time. I know it'll be over in seconds but I waste no time with regret. In my head I worry not of the consequences, what my family will think, how my friends might react, whether I'll go to heaven, hell...no- this moment is for me. And so as I dive ever downward, I think of my favorite song.
(Random journal entry written yesterday)
(Random journal entry written yesterday)
It has been too long!
So I'm at work right now, and with only 30 minutes left, I have at least 7 hours worth of work to do. That being said, I cannot tarry; just wanted to drop in in case anyone is wondering where I've been.
I have in no way lost the desire to blog- in fact, the contrary is true. Now that I'm settling into a life where nearly everything has changed, I've wanted nothing more than to blog about it. Problem is:
1. I sold my computer desk and haven't picked up my new, smaller one yet. And until I do, my computer sits decapitated, in different locations in my studio apartment.
2. When at work, I honestly do not have time to sneak in a blog or two. And speaking of work- there is so much that I want to say! But it's gonna have to wait.
And above all of the physical changes that have taken place, I've been going through the most extreme phase of self discovery since I found out about masturbation, and I cannot wait to let it out. So I am definitely still with you, but it may take a little longer to get back on track. But please Support System- I hope that you'll stay with me because I am certainly still here : )
I have in no way lost the desire to blog- in fact, the contrary is true. Now that I'm settling into a life where nearly everything has changed, I've wanted nothing more than to blog about it. Problem is:
1. I sold my computer desk and haven't picked up my new, smaller one yet. And until I do, my computer sits decapitated, in different locations in my studio apartment.
2. When at work, I honestly do not have time to sneak in a blog or two. And speaking of work- there is so much that I want to say! But it's gonna have to wait.
And above all of the physical changes that have taken place, I've been going through the most extreme phase of self discovery since I found out about masturbation, and I cannot wait to let it out. So I am definitely still with you, but it may take a little longer to get back on track. But please Support System- I hope that you'll stay with me because I am certainly still here : )
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Oliver.
So the move is finally done! All of the fears and reservations that I had have been resolved, and I'm totally glad that I made this move. More on that later. One of the biggest things that I was worried about though was my kitten. I didn't think Oliver would be happy because the space is pretty small- maybe 400-450 square feet.
Yesterday morning I woke up and felt pretty achy from the move the day before. I looked to my left and right and didn't see Oliver (he usually sleeps on my pillow or under the covers with me). Then I looked at the foot of the bed and saw him there, not moving. I'd never seem him sleep in that position before, so I got a little nervous. I called his name, but he didn't answer. So I put my hand on his stomach and shook him, but he didn't move. I called his name one more time, even louder, and when he didn't move, my nervous breakdown began. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom, then I sat down and started to cry. My mother told me last night that she'd placed rat poison around while the apartment was vacant, to ward off any critters. She said that she thought she'd removed it all, but that I should keep an eye out for it so that Oliver doesn't eat it. I thought about all of the places I didn't look, all of the things I didn't do...and I buried my head in my hands and started to sob. Moments later, I felt something soft rub against my leg- my dang cat! I looked down at him and he looked up at me as if to say, "What's your problem?" I suppose he was a little tired from the move, too. Now that we're semi settled in, I see that he loves it! There are lots of closets and crevices for him to explore, and there are stairs, which he has never experienced before. But the one thing that isn't here? Rat poison.
Yesterday morning I woke up and felt pretty achy from the move the day before. I looked to my left and right and didn't see Oliver (he usually sleeps on my pillow or under the covers with me). Then I looked at the foot of the bed and saw him there, not moving. I'd never seem him sleep in that position before, so I got a little nervous. I called his name, but he didn't answer. So I put my hand on his stomach and shook him, but he didn't move. I called his name one more time, even louder, and when he didn't move, my nervous breakdown began. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom, then I sat down and started to cry. My mother told me last night that she'd placed rat poison around while the apartment was vacant, to ward off any critters. She said that she thought she'd removed it all, but that I should keep an eye out for it so that Oliver doesn't eat it. I thought about all of the places I didn't look, all of the things I didn't do...and I buried my head in my hands and started to sob. Moments later, I felt something soft rub against my leg- my dang cat! I looked down at him and he looked up at me as if to say, "What's your problem?" I suppose he was a little tired from the move, too. Now that we're semi settled in, I see that he loves it! There are lots of closets and crevices for him to explore, and there are stairs, which he has never experienced before. But the one thing that isn't here? Rat poison.
So many reasons to be thankful...
So today is the 2nd full day of living at home. And I suppose I should stop saying it that way- yes, my mother and I have the same address, but I'm actually living in an apartment above her house. It's pretty small, and I really wasn't looking forward to this move...but now that I'm here I feel that this was a great decision. I was in love with my old apartment, but it never truly felt like home. I paid $1,000/month to live there because I was an employee. But the actual rent was $1,685, plus $100 for parking, which I was getting for free. A month after I moved in a new company took over, and although they hired me, they moved me to a different property to work. Their policy does not allow employees to have a discount unless they live where they work, so there was a very good chance that my rent would have skyrocketed later this year. That worry was always in the back of my mind and I never felt totally comfortable. What's funny is that I didn't realize how much it affected me until my first night here. I laid in bed, looked around, and felt for the first time in quite some time that I was truly home, and that I would be safe here.
The actual move was nothing short of whack! I didn't prepare as I should have, and it took many many hours. I felt abandoned by many of my friends who acted as if they were suddenly so busy and therefore couldn't lend a hand. But then I took a moment to think about it- rather than be mad at those who wouldn't/didn't help, I should be thankful for those who did. My sister- she's a saint. With a toddler and a newborn in tow, she worked tirelessly with me for two days to pack, move, and clean. Her babies, who are normally in bed at 8, didn't go to sleep until some time after midnight, but she never got irritated or made me feel as if I was inconveniencing her. And Mrs. Christmas- she's my sister's boyfriend's mom. First of all, she's in her late 50's, and she has no ties or relation to me whatsoever. Even still, she came over and got things under control. She helped me lug heavy boxes up and down stairs, she encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and she hung in there with me, just as my sister did, through the entire move. To me, she's second to a complete stranger, but she still donated her time without complaint. What an Angel...I'm still trying to figure out how I will thank them for their unbelievable kindness. And lastly, Adriel. She couldn't help me physically- and even if she could have I don't know that I would have let her. When I moved in to this apartment, I barely lifted a finger. She packed everything in my old apartment and moved me in while I was at work (or avoiding it). She did this without complaint although she also had to work, and also move out of her own apartment. In retrospect, I see that I was a total bitch at times when we were together, but I digress... She offered to send someone to help me, and even followed up to see how things went. This might seem like a small thing, but no one else did this and I really needed it. In addition to these three people, I'm thankful for Mr. Oliver. This move freaked him out as much as I, and I feel that we went through it together and our relationship has grown from it : ) I love that cat...
I'm thankful for the great weather that we had during the move. And I'm thankful for the last drive away from my old apartment, when I was listening to this very song. I felt a growing sense of peace as block after block separated me from my old apartment. At that moment I realized that a new chapter is beginning.
For some reason, I went back to the girl who I was dating as mentioned in a previous blog. But three days ago, I decided that it was time to quit while I was ahead. I see now that she is abusive, and that if I'd continued to talk to her, things would have undoubtedly become physical. During our short stint, there were days when I absolutely loved her,but there were many days when I didn't know who the hell she was. She became mad often over small and often non existent offenses. And when she became angry, she told me that I was cheap, that even though I'm gay I'm actually fucking a bunch of different men- including one of my best friends, Carlos. He's gay. She told me that I'm always talking about people's faults and praising myself. She told me that I'm a stupid bitch and a fucking loser. She accused me of flirting with everyone- people I passed on the street, waiters at restaurants...once I was looking for a bag of M&Ms at a convenience store and a guy pointed them out for me. I said "thank you". I had to hear for three hours about how I'd been flirting with him. She helped me move for a few hours, then got mad because she looked through my phone and found that I'd emailed a girl from Craigslist. My friend sent her post to me and said she thought I should write her. So I did. Although we were not exclusive (something that she loved to point out to me regularly) I wrote this girl on Craiglist after I'd decided not to talk to her anymore, and when we started dating again 2 weeks or so later, I never again communicated with the Craigslist girl. Still, she told me that I was extremely pathetic for responding to a Craigslist ad, she told me that I was desperate, that I was a liar and worthless and that I think I'm so attractive when I'm not and that I should go back to therapy and that I should be grateful for her because she was the only one who gave a shit about me because no one else would help me move. She told me that I'm worthless to other people because all I ever do is fuck everyone. But you know...I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that all that I've been through has made me strong enough to let certain things roll off my back. I've also learned to recognize when someone is volatile, abusive. And I know when enough is enough, and I have had enough. I honestly pray that she eventually seeks that help that she needs...and I'll leave it at that. But to all who are reading this blog- if you feel that the person you're seeing is very possessive, angry, mean, condescending, or otherwise unsettling, please do not ignore it. There is nothing at all that you can do for a person who is abusive, and if you stick around, it will only get worse. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to let it go...
Yesterday, I bought a ring- it's white gold with diamonds and an aquamarine stone in the center- my birth stone. I decided that this will be my promise ring. With this ring, I promise myself that I will never settle for things that I don't deserve, that I'll always put my best foot forward, and that I'll love myself enough to let those things go which serve no purpose in my life.
So, I know this is an abrupt end, but it's noon on an absolutely gorgeous day! I'm going to get out of here...but I hope that everyone has a fabulous weekend : )
The actual move was nothing short of whack! I didn't prepare as I should have, and it took many many hours. I felt abandoned by many of my friends who acted as if they were suddenly so busy and therefore couldn't lend a hand. But then I took a moment to think about it- rather than be mad at those who wouldn't/didn't help, I should be thankful for those who did. My sister- she's a saint. With a toddler and a newborn in tow, she worked tirelessly with me for two days to pack, move, and clean. Her babies, who are normally in bed at 8, didn't go to sleep until some time after midnight, but she never got irritated or made me feel as if I was inconveniencing her. And Mrs. Christmas- she's my sister's boyfriend's mom. First of all, she's in her late 50's, and she has no ties or relation to me whatsoever. Even still, she came over and got things under control. She helped me lug heavy boxes up and down stairs, she encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and she hung in there with me, just as my sister did, through the entire move. To me, she's second to a complete stranger, but she still donated her time without complaint. What an Angel...I'm still trying to figure out how I will thank them for their unbelievable kindness. And lastly, Adriel. She couldn't help me physically- and even if she could have I don't know that I would have let her. When I moved in to this apartment, I barely lifted a finger. She packed everything in my old apartment and moved me in while I was at work (or avoiding it). She did this without complaint although she also had to work, and also move out of her own apartment. In retrospect, I see that I was a total bitch at times when we were together, but I digress... She offered to send someone to help me, and even followed up to see how things went. This might seem like a small thing, but no one else did this and I really needed it. In addition to these three people, I'm thankful for Mr. Oliver. This move freaked him out as much as I, and I feel that we went through it together and our relationship has grown from it : ) I love that cat...
I'm thankful for the great weather that we had during the move. And I'm thankful for the last drive away from my old apartment, when I was listening to this very song. I felt a growing sense of peace as block after block separated me from my old apartment. At that moment I realized that a new chapter is beginning.
For some reason, I went back to the girl who I was dating as mentioned in a previous blog. But three days ago, I decided that it was time to quit while I was ahead. I see now that she is abusive, and that if I'd continued to talk to her, things would have undoubtedly become physical. During our short stint, there were days when I absolutely loved her,but there were many days when I didn't know who the hell she was. She became mad often over small and often non existent offenses. And when she became angry, she told me that I was cheap, that even though I'm gay I'm actually fucking a bunch of different men- including one of my best friends, Carlos. He's gay. She told me that I'm always talking about people's faults and praising myself. She told me that I'm a stupid bitch and a fucking loser. She accused me of flirting with everyone- people I passed on the street, waiters at restaurants...once I was looking for a bag of M&Ms at a convenience store and a guy pointed them out for me. I said "thank you". I had to hear for three hours about how I'd been flirting with him. She helped me move for a few hours, then got mad because she looked through my phone and found that I'd emailed a girl from Craigslist. My friend sent her post to me and said she thought I should write her. So I did. Although we were not exclusive (something that she loved to point out to me regularly) I wrote this girl on Craiglist after I'd decided not to talk to her anymore, and when we started dating again 2 weeks or so later, I never again communicated with the Craigslist girl. Still, she told me that I was extremely pathetic for responding to a Craigslist ad, she told me that I was desperate, that I was a liar and worthless and that I think I'm so attractive when I'm not and that I should go back to therapy and that I should be grateful for her because she was the only one who gave a shit about me because no one else would help me move. She told me that I'm worthless to other people because all I ever do is fuck everyone. But you know...I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that all that I've been through has made me strong enough to let certain things roll off my back. I've also learned to recognize when someone is volatile, abusive. And I know when enough is enough, and I have had enough. I honestly pray that she eventually seeks that help that she needs...and I'll leave it at that. But to all who are reading this blog- if you feel that the person you're seeing is very possessive, angry, mean, condescending, or otherwise unsettling, please do not ignore it. There is nothing at all that you can do for a person who is abusive, and if you stick around, it will only get worse. Love yourself enough to let it go. Love yourself enough to let it go...
Yesterday, I bought a ring- it's white gold with diamonds and an aquamarine stone in the center- my birth stone. I decided that this will be my promise ring. With this ring, I promise myself that I will never settle for things that I don't deserve, that I'll always put my best foot forward, and that I'll love myself enough to let those things go which serve no purpose in my life.
So, I know this is an abrupt end, but it's noon on an absolutely gorgeous day! I'm going to get out of here...but I hope that everyone has a fabulous weekend : )
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