I'm back with scars to show...

People often say that things get much worse before they get better. I have so much to be thankful for, but so much is about to change in my life and above all I feel so...lonely? It's not that I'm longing for a relationship (although I wouldn't turn one down either), it's just that I've never gone through these many changes at one time and had no one to talk to about it. My apartment looks so sad and empty...I'm going to be giving up my view in less than a week, and maybe my favorite chair, too. No big deal, I guess. But my family has opted out of helping me with this move. I sent them an email asking if anyone could spare a car, a box, or just a hand in helping me pack, and they all said 'no' in so many words. My mother, who doesn't hide her disdain for my sexual preference, said several times that I need a man to help me, that I need man power, that I should find a man blah blah blah. Funny, when they need help or want me to do something or go with them, I'm always there. And when I spend too much money to have dinner parties for them, they come without hesitation. I rarely ask my family for help, and this is why. So I'm a little dissapointed I guess, but not terribly mad. It's what I expected.

On top of the fact that I have to leave my apartment by April 30th, I start a new job on May 1st. Same company, same title (mostly), but at a new location. I remember when the Zenith was built...I wanted to live there so badly but knew I'd never be able to afford it. Then when my ex and I halfheartedly looked for places, she wanted to go there, too. And now here I am, working there. I certainly didn't see that one coming. I'm going to be there temporarily, but they're hiring for the position that I'll be working, so I could apply if I want to. I don't know if I want to though...

Because I'll also be starting Real Estate classes in two weeks. It only takes a few months to get a liscense, and I already have a home once I am liscensed. It's funny how things work... I took a job at a Real Estate office last summer after praying long and hard about it. The job was totally unrelated to anything that I want to do in life, and I only made $300 a week which was by no means enough to support all of my bills, but after a lot of prayer I felt that I was meant to take the job and so I did. I only stayed for two months before getting a much better job, and I often wondered...what was my purpose for having worked there? Now as I prepare for my liscense, it all makes sense. Any agent knows that when you have a liscense, you have to be affiliated with a real estate office. They usually charge you thousands of dollars for this, because you get a desk and computer usage, materials, business cards and other fun. But when I talked to my old boss, he told me that he would not charge a fee, and that I could most definitely work there when I am liscensed. He told me that he would help me with my first few deals, that he wouldn't charge as high a fee as other offices do, and that if I couldn't afford the other necessary start up costs, he would let me borrow his materials until I could. I remember during my interview telling him that the reason I was taking that job last summer was because I felt that that was where God wanted me at the time. I thought that it would sound crazy, but he totally understood. Now I understand, too.

On top of all this, I've decided that Baltimore needs a nice, classy lesbian..activity. Every well rounded lesbian I know usually travels to DC if they want to party with a classy gay crowd. So I'm going to try my hand at hosting a weekly happy hour. Supposedly I'll be partering with my best friend, but her plate is full these days because she and her girlfriend just moved in together, she has a full time job and she's a full time student, she has a small business as I do, and she's a full time mom. So as much as I'd love for us to partner on this one, I assume I'll be doing it alone. More on this as right now I'm still looking for a location.

With so many changes afoot (including some that I won't bore you with mentioning), I sometimes wish I had someone to go through this with. But I'm also pretty proud of how successful I've been at doing things alone. I'm handling this move alone- I've moved several times but I've never had to figure it all out by myself... I'm learning to make decisions alone, and I guess I'll learn to find success alone. So...we shall see where the road takes me from here. I hope everyone else is doing well- especially those of you who were also struggling through a break up. We'll be okay in the end- not to worry : )

Like masturbating when you live with your parents...

So, since I started dating one person exclusively...then stopped dating that one person because I got tired of hearing about how horribly slutty and immature I was : /

...My life has been so...great! I've finally come to terms with being single. It is not a death sentence; in fact, it's quite the contrary. Singledom is a rarity in the lives of lesbians, and since I consider myself a pretty good catch, I'm sure it won't last forever. But for now, I've been doing an absolutely fabulous job of entertaining myself, and I am so excited about how much I've learned about me.

But I digress...you may be wondering- why the title? Well it's because I'm moving out in about a week, so I had my cable/internet services disconnected. I don't miss the cable, I barely spend time indoors these days. But I do miss my damn internet. And since I do not have it, I've resorted to sneaking in a letter here, a sentence there, and an exlamation point over in the corner...when no one is around. I mean, it has literally taken me 2 days to publish the blog that you're currently reading.

So I don't want you to think that I've dropped off the radar because I in fact have much to discuss. But...it'll have to wait until the 'rents are out of town.

Talk to you soon : )

Hello out there bloggers and bloggees...

"I could tell you my adventures— beginning from this morning," said Alice a little timidly: "but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." Lewis Carroll

And so I took off on my bicycle...

Sometimes I just want to get up from my desk in the middle of the day, give my boss a very special finger that I reserve for those I love most, take off my suit jacket, jump in my car and head for the hills. My spirit has been feeling so stifled lately, perhaps because I can't enjoy this beautiful weather that we've been having since I'm always at work. I often ask myself...What the fuck is stopping me from doing what I dream of? I have no kids, I'm single, and I have disliked Baltimore since the day the plane dropped me here. I'd love to return to Europe and travel for a while, or go to the West Coast where I've always wanted to end up.

Anywhere but here.

I know I'm not alone on this one...but is anyone actually brave enough to pick up and go? And if not, then why? And if not now, then when?

Hmmm... An idea is brewing...

Okay, that is it.

I'm trying very hard to move forward, and shit- maybe even date someone new. But every time I meet someone they find my blog, read it, and immediately build a 17 foot wall to keep me out. Funny, since my thoughts are often fleeting and what I'm feeling when I write is probably not what I'm feeling the next day (is that so different than any other person?), but my uncensored honesty has turned some off. In a way, I can understand this since I wouldn't want to know every inner most thought of the person I'm dating. Most recently, I encountered the "you're not over your ex" story. Yes, I know that I said I miss her not a week ago. But I feel that I am indeed over her. I have moments when I miss what we had, but that is mostly because those that I'm dating now don't ever seem...right. When I date someone who feels wrong, I start to remember the deep connection that we had, because it felt right. I personally don't believe that this means that I am not over her- A good relationship should always consist of two (or more?) deeply connected people. And since I now know what it should feel like, it makes me sad, and perhaps a tad nostalgic, when I see that I won't experience that with whatever person I'm dating. Since my outward expression of my inner thoughts tends to be off putting, I think that I'll stop talking about my dating life for a while. I'm not going to stop blogging, but maybe I'll focus on other things. This is a prelim list, but so far I have several topics to choose from, like:

1. The fact that I am moving back to my mother's house. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it is true. I want to buy a house next year, and if I move back to my mother's house, I'll immediately save nearly $14,000 in the next 12 months. Not too shabby. And it's not so bad- it's a completely separate apartment with a separate entrance, so even though it's the size of half of a match box, it'll still be my own private space. My mother doesn't totally approve of my lifestyle, so that should make for some fun filled days. I only truly feel sorry for Oliver because of the lack of space, but I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll start taking him for walks! He'll like that.

2. My new love of the great outdoors. I went hiking on a mountain in Virginia two weeks ago, and since then I've been hooked! Okay, I should be honest- I nearly died several times, I cried once, and I stopped often to stare at the mound of rocks that I had to climb while yelling obscenities to God and whoever else may have been listening. It also began raining, which totally annihilated my 'do. But I didn't quit, and that's what matters. So now I've begun walking, hiking, climbing, and generally enjoying the outdoors as often as possible. So, this should mean many many pictures to come : )

3. Back to school, maybe? More on that later...

4. I don't know...my whole fucking life I guess!

So hopefully you guys will stick in there and keep reading. I may not always make sense, I might even contradict myself every now and then, but I can promise you one thing- it should be interesting!

Hmm.

Well, if I can't be honest with myself, then who in the hell can I be honest with? So here goes...



I miss her. Will this ever go away?


I have a lot of feelings about how our relationship ended, and I'm still angry, very fucking angry, with how I was treated in the end. And I don't know what this feeling means, but I do know that it's honest. So...that's it.