Post #1: The day before day 1- an explanation

Okay, so before I get started, I'd like to explain to everyone just exactly what I'm doing and why. But first...I have to run to the restroom.

Ok, back. Let's get started...

Just Exactly What I'm Doing and Why:
As of last Friday, I've found myself single yet again. Now don't get me wrong- my relationship was far from perfect: she was older but not yet "out", I was younger with serious trust issues...but we'll probably get into more details about that later on. Adriel (I'll just go ahead and get her name out of the way and hope that no one she knows reads this. But then again if they do...surprise!) and I were together for about a year, which is approximately 6 years in Eastern Lesbian time. She had been my longest relationship yet- I'm just 22, so I hope this doesn't sound too pathetic. And now that it's over, I honestly feel broken. When I met Adriel, I felt that even given all of the many obstacles that we were bound to face, she was truly and definitely the one. But we had trust issues- she lied, then I cheated- twice if you must know, then she cheated and I guess decided to pursue the new girl- very common lesbian practice for those who aren't hip to the game. And that's how I ended up here, alone.
Now that I have a lot of extra time on my hands, I've been looking back at old blogs and journal entries that I've written. Luckily, most of them center around break ups since that's always when I'm most bored. After reading 3 or 4, I started to have a breakthrough... I realize now that before Adriel, there was Sheree. We were together for 7 or 8 months and ended in late November. I felt sad and broken and lost...and then I met Sam. We dated for a month and a half, but I didn't like the texture of her skin. Seriously- it was gross. so I weaned her off. Then I went through my blackberry and found some oldies but goodies whom I talked to at various intervals until the very day that I met Adriel. Before Sheree was BJ. I was her "girl on the side", and yet I stupidly allowed myself to fall for her. We dated on the side pretty successfully for about 5 months before she and her girlfriend decided to get more serious. So, I started dating Nikki, some girl I met in a club who I think only weighed 17 pounds...but she liked spending the night, so it was cool. After that, there was this stripper whose name I cannot remember to save my life. It's hard to believe, but she was too "out there" for me, so that ended. Then, I went through my blackberry and dug up some oldies but goodies to occupy my time until the day I met Sheree. So let's jump forward. Adriel and I broke up- Ok, Adriel broke up with me- on Friday. By 12AM Saturday, I had already joined Match.com, Chemistry, Tangowire, and responded to 4 Craigslist posts, and I had browsed through the trusty old 'berry and set up a date for Saturday night. Every day now I check my email at least 40 times hoping for some new connection or someone interesting to come prancing along. One of my best friends (not a lesbian, but a gay male) told me that the best way to get over someone is by lying under someone else. Though this was the first time I've ever heard anyone actually say this aloud (with pride, no less), is it not true that we all seem, or at least attempt, to do this? The moment we're single, we hunt desperately for some form of human connection in order to avoid feeling the hurt and pain that come along with being single. We search Craigslist, answering ads for people that we know don't fit our standards, we troll through local clubs, ask friends if their girlfriends have friends we can date...I mean, just admit it- we'd take any attention over none, even sinking so low as to conjure up folks from our past that we didn't like, because now that we're lonely, we like them, oh yes we do!
So tonight I'd like to stop the madness! The fact is, I'm hurt and I mean really hurt. Adriel cheating and then leaving me honestly caught me by surprise at a time when I though our relationship was finally improving. A lot of the time that I spend alone is spent crying, deleting her pictures, throwing away the shit that reminds me of her, and feverishly compiling evil plans to get her back, to make her hurt like I hurt. That is why I'm so desperate to have new friends, so I can escape that part of me, you know? So tonight I decided to dye my hair black, because I wanted my hair to be different hair than the hair that I had in our relationship. And that's when it hit me- I need some time alone. Time to regroup, to figure out what I did wrong so as to avoid making this mistake next time. I don't need to go out, or search for hotties online, I don't need to bitch to my friends anymore- it's not going to bring her back. What I need is solitude...and 15 seems like a good enough number. And so starting tomorrow, aside from work, I'm going to spend time alone. I'm going to turn off my cell phone, ignore my email (I'm really going to try!), and force myself to think this thing through. I want to be in a successful relationship one day, but I know that overlapping failed relationships with relationships is never going to get me there.

And so...are you still reading? Come with me on my journey: 15 days without reaching out to new girls, 15 days of spending time alone, 15 days of trying to make myself enough to make me happy, 15 days of hangin out in the house with my really annoying kitten who knocks things off of my night stand when I'm not looking, and drags them away to his lair 'neath the bed, never to be seen or heard from again. Most recently he did this with my inhaler. What a joy it was to discover it missing after a rigorous run! Fucking cat. But I digress... Starting tomorrow, and aside from work and this blog, I'm going to have 15 days of complete solitude, to hopefully help me find a healthier way to cope with the parts of me that are broken.

See you tomorrow evening.