A good day

Today was a great day. I went to my second therapy session, where I talked about how I'm terrified to approach people that I'm attracted to. Yes it's true - if I see a girl that I find attractive, I get completely tongue tied. I'm a total dork about it, so as a result I just don't approach people. She assured me that we would work on that which for me is scary but long overdue.

I hung pictures that have been sitting in the corner of my living room for two months. ...okay, four months. Looks good, huh?

Per my therapists suggestion, I researched and found a gay community center and decided to attend a women's group session on Thursday, in an attempt to meet new people, better people, to befriend.

I listened to music for hours, changed some things on my website (http://www.theoutguide.com/ if you're wondering), ordered Indian food, and in 30 minutes expect to be in total bliss when my secret love Jennifer Beals returns to TV in The Chicago Code. Yess...today couldn't have been much better.

So, that's it! Good night everyone and no one :)

Just something I heard today.

"A careful man tries to dodge a bullet while a happy man takes a wallk" -Eals

Sometimes.

I was pretty nervous about seeing a therapist. I was worried that she would judge me, and for some reason I had this extreme fear that she wouldn't think much of me because I'm using insurance to pay for our sessions. I know that sounds crazy, but if you've ever looked for a therapist and noticed how many people don't take or don't like to take insurance, you would understand. In the end I'm so glad that I made that appointment.

Even after one single appointment, I feel that the swell of noise in my head has died down, and that I'm on the right path to making sense of my jumble of a life. And interestingly enough, admitting how I feel about my ex has helped me to regain some sense of control regarding the situation. I feel like- no I know- that I'm going to be just fine. So I guess that sometimes, just admitting the truth to yourself and saying it aloud is enough to take away its power.

I'm going to see her again on Monday and I cannot wait! In the meantime, I have a few other things that need to get back on the right track too. To every or no one who's reading this- have a great night : )

How do you let go?

I feel crazy for saying this out loud and putting it over the internet no less, but I'd like to be open and honest in hopes that doing so will help me to face this. Besides that, I have absolutely no plausible evidence that anyone's reading this, so maybe I truly am safe in my thoughts. Whatever the case, I'll get on with it.

It has been over a year since I got dumped, and I'm not over her. I never thought I would be that pathetic ass person who couldn't get beyond someone, who watched someone thrive in their new lives as I sat dejectedly staring in, but here I am. I may not have my dignity and I know that I'm standing completely alone, but I'm fighting with the only weapon I have left- honesty.

I had so much to work on when we were together and I was by no means ready to be in a relationship, and it strikes me as horrifically ironic that the person I am now seems so well suited for the person she was then. I've spent months fantasizing about her coming back, and after many conversations with her I should know that it isn't going to happen. But I'm still standing here waiting. My pride is completely gone, I feel so rejected that it doesn't even phase me any longer, but I'm still here knowing that she's with someone else, knowing that I'm completely pathetic for this, and still not wanting to let go. At first I thought that being dumped made me want her back, so that I could get even, or that I just needed to meet someone better. But I see now that there isn't really anyone better per se; there is only someone different. And if it's someone different, I haven't been wholeheartedly interested.

Now this is not to say that my current failed relationship is a result of my feelings, although I suppose that plays some part here- my ex is a good person, but I could not be happy with her under any circumstances the way she is now, and I left her because I could tell that the way she is might be the way she'll always be, and that is something I cannot accept in a partner.

I'm complete exhausted from playing the role of fool and I feel so pathetic for hanging on to someone who hardly thinks of me. I'm trying to understand that we're over, I'm trying to believe that some other thing pulls me toward her, and that if I were to get my chance to be with her again it wouldn't be what I want. I have so much love and so many things to offer but she doesn't want it and I just want to be able to comprehend that and let her go.

The truth is, even as I was writing 15 days of solitude, I was keeping a private journal that was very different than what I was saying to those who followed the blog. I wanted to seem strong, to help anyone else who was going through the same things, but I was still hurting, and I am still hurting.

I want to move on. What do I have to do to move on?